Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

08 Jan 2020

It All Seems So Long Ago


Reality is beginning to set in for me.  My daughters are growing up.  I knew it would happen.  I saw it happen to all the kids of my friends.  Nobody seems to have been able to stop time so that we can hold on to these childhoods, just a little bit longer.

I do miss the days of Backyardigans and Little Einsteins, messy table settings, and telling bedtime stories and singing lullabies to my daughters.

A promise I made to myself, and I would think every parent would want the same, was to make sure that my children were not only prepared for their future, but would also be given as best an opportunity to get there.  We should always want better for our children.  I know that I do.

In recent years, homework assignments have become much more serious, and detailed.  Social and recreational activities soon needed to be scheduled.  And of course, shopping for clothing is no longer done at the Children’s Place or Justice.

The reality of growing up occurred recently as I took my daughters clothing shopping, partly to see if they could spend their Christmas gift cards, the other, with a specific task of choosing a dress for a school dance.  I, as well as my opinion, have been replaced by sibling support.  I get to participate only as a witness, only as a courtesy.  Together, the two sisters decided which looks best on who.  I am just driving them from store to store.

With both daughters in the final quarter of their secondary education, they are encouraged to begin to consider the direction in life that they want to take.  My daughters are sisters, both are intelligent, and other than those facts, any comparison of the two is completely unfair to both.  The ideas that both are considering for their futures could not be any more different from achieving higher education to job selection.  How both get to their goals ultimately will be up to each of themselves.  It is my job as their father, to make sure that they have the opportunities, and to help figure out how to get there.  And I want only for them to have that success.  And other than my health issues, it is the futures of my daughters that consume my time.

As both continue to progress, and earn their own individual accolades and achievements, I offer nothing less than praise and congratulations.  Like any proud parent, admittedly I probably go overboard with the amount of “I am proud of you” I give to each of my daughters.  Again, they are each their own person, their own personality, their own style, and their own future.  But they are sisters.  Most importantly, their achievements, have been because of their own hard work.

I should not be shocked by where I am at right now in parenthood.  It is what drives me every day.  My doctors have told me, together they will make sure that in spite of my health issues, I will get to see my daughters grow old.  And in order to get there, that means accepting they are getting older as well.

I miss those younger years.  But man… the memories I am making today are so worth it.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment
06 Jan 2020

It Is So Quiet


A family, when including both a mother and father, untouched by divorce, have routines for their children following the holidays, getting back to the normal day-to-day activities of school, work, and things around the home that need to be done.  Moms and Dads seemingly pick up, right where things leave off.

But for families who have gone through divorce, have a different process to go through, because there is a process called “custody”, normally dictated by a court though sometimes simply agreed on by both mothers and fathers.  This means, that following the holiday, one parent will continue to pick up the activities of the children as mentioned above, for others, it is just so quiet.

I do not talk about my own specific details of my divorce for many reasons that I will not get into.  I will clearly specify when things pertain to another family.  But for the purposes of this post, I am simply talking about an emotion.

During custodial periods, especially during a holiday period, for however long that period lasts, the non-custodial parent gets to enjoy the quality of time with his or her children, like that which once was uninterrupted and filled with tradition and lots of fun.  There are increased bathroom routines under the roof with the additional family.  Though meal times may remain relatively unaffected, bed times are often extended either out of pure excitement, or the difference of the times between homes.  The mornings can be just as upside down and staggered causing all kinds of adjustments to be made to the day.  And this will go on for every day of the custodial visit.

The parent who normally spends the majority of their time alone, perhaps with a partner is likely to enjoy the return of the activity around the home and the lack of any down time to recover.  For the non-custodial parent, the time being spent is not infinite.  That particular period does have an end.  And that end, is just so quiet.

That first morning after, it is just so quiet.  There are no extra breakfasts to make.  There are no plans to be made.  There are no “chimes” from a text message being received in the bedroom just twenty feet away.  There is no random appearance from your child just to say “Hi.”

There were a lot of memories shared during this period.  And of course the attention is steered toward the next visit and the activities that await.  But for now, it is just so quiet.

When two people make the decision to become parents, it is more than likely, a divorce being in their future is the furthest thing from their mind.  But things happen.  And though husband and wife divorce, mother and father do not.  And regardless of where either parent lives, when two parents are involved, the child has the right to spend time with, be loved by, and love, both parents.  Mother and Father do not divorce.

During custodial periods, especially holiday periods, that is when the relationships are not only put to the test, but when allowed to continue naturally, allow everyone to move on in a progression of peace.  And the children end up all the better for that.

I relish every moment I get to spend with my daughters.  I do not take this for granted.  There are too many fathers and mothers who do not get to spend time with their children for any number of reasons.  As a child of divorce myself, I know what it was like not to have my father around.  I applaud the state of Pennsylvania, as well as others, that have either taken the steps, or are in the process of, enacting legislation to make shared 50-50 custody the presumption when it comes to the children.  Pennsylvania house bill HB1397 gives the starting point for both parents, as if they were married, both equal parents.  With the exception of domestic violence (or any other criminal act), the children have the right, in their best interest, to relationships and time, with both parents.

It is really common sense when you think about it.  If there was nothing wrong in the house between parent and child, why should the parent be penalized with anything less than equal time with their child?  If something were to happen to the one parent, without question, the other parent would take full responsibility for the child, rightfully so.  So why then, should children be expected, and parents forced to accept, anything less than equal time with both parents?

Sure, there will be some who object to this simple to understand concept, and I will not discuss what I am aware of.  But the simple logic, children deserve a relationship with both parents, when there is no recognizable danger to the child.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
19 Dec 2019
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30 Years Of “Birthdays” I Never Thought I Would See


Today is one of the last milestones I will recognize in my year of “30th Anniversary” posts, surviving Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  And that is to recognize that today is my 30th birthday after being told I was in remission of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Over half of my life has been spent in the world of cancer.  I have not been able to put aside the thoughts, the experiences, the memories, and just move on with my life.  Because, when I did, I was always served a reminder, usually in the most extreme example.

I remember the first comment I made, having just been diagnosed a month before my birthday as well, “I don’t want to die.  I will fight this and beat this.”  No matter how much negativity I heard, or witnessed people’s reactions to me, hearing I had cancer, I wanted to beat this.  I knew the odds of beating cancer were assumed to be difficult, though Hodgkin’s had, and still does, have a high cure rate, still too many do not survive.

My first birthday following the news of my remission, was ten times more emotional for me than when I was diagnosed.  My fifth birthday, not so emotional, but more of an acceptance, and recognition, “I actually did it.”  Ten years would go by, fifteen, twenty.  And if I am being honest, events related to my cancer past, coming to the forefront, I never thought I would see number twenty-five.  And no one is more surprised to be here, THIRTY BIRTHDAYS LATER than me.  Through the ups and downs, no one can appreciate what today truly means to me, including me.

I got married, twice.  I also got divorced twice.  I had two houses.  I lost two houses.

I was blessed to run a large youth group in my church, that trained me to prepare for teenagers of my own some day.  Many of these “kids” are still friends of mine today, with kids of their own.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever run for a political office, yet I campaigned twice for school board.  While I did not not win, actually lost the first campaign by 135 votes, not bad for an “unknown.”  It would also be the last time I would be involved in politics.

To “give back,” I was certified by the American Cancer Society as a peer-to-peer counselor, offering personal experience in survivorship and guidance with the many issues cancer patients and survivors face.

I held a career for seventeen years until I was physically no longer able to do my job.  It was work I never saw myself doing in a million years, yet, without the college degree, working in medical research, dealing with several projects in cancer, and even handling several of the drugs that I was exposed to during my treatments.  Talk about coming around full circle.

I have literally met hundreds of other Hodgkin’s survivors, and know of thousands more.  And the fantastic thing is that many of them are “older” than me in survivorship years (although some are younger chronologically).

I have written many things that have gotten published, but I actually got to see one of my writings be performed in a staged reading.  Not too shabby for a guy whose college professor told me, “you don’t have the intelligence to write a comic strip.”

I was recognized as Honorary Survivor Chair for our local Relay For Life in recognition of my 25th year in remission.  Yet another “mind blown” moment that I never would have thought I would see.

A movie waiting to be made… I had nearly fifteen years with the best fur friend anyone could ever be friends with.

But nothing, nothing, could mean more to me, thirty birthdays later, than to be blessed with my daughters.

My treatments left me unable to have children biologically, but that would not stop me from becoming a father.  Even if it meant travelling across the world, twice.  I definitely never saw that coming.

In 2008, I had to have emergency open heart surgery, as I was dying from a “widow maker” heart blockage caused by my treatments thirty years ago.  And though that episode definitely rocked me, as far as grabbing my attention reminding me about my mortality, it also stirred up a stronger fight, to say, “not yet.”

I am so appreciative to be able to write this post today.  And I have always wanted to see my next birthday, and so on.  And now, as my daughters are older, I am seeing the women that they are becoming, as the choices they make today, are determining who they are going to be, and I want to be there for that.  And to be able to do that, means I will have to celebrate many more birthdays.  And I know it can be done.  Of the many other survivors I know, so many are years ahead of me in survivorship, some, even decades longer than me.  All of us agree, it has not been easy.

But I am so thankful for the life I have.  I am blessed with my daughters, family, and friends too many to count, all who have gotten me here today.

There is a joke I play with my daughters, I do not tell them my actual age.  They can do the math if they want to.  They have the information.  But one number that will definitely mean so much more to them, is thirty.  Thirty years of birthdays.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart

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