Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

07 Feb 2020
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S2SS – Safe 2 Say Something


1974… “I’m gonna kick your ass after school!”

2020… “I can’t take any more.  I have a list of kids and I am going to kill them all.”

In nearly fifty years, this is where we are at today.  I know first hand this is the progression of a problem ignored.  And I also realize it was around before I ever set foot in a school.  Television shows like Happy Days and movies like American Graffiti all glorified “rumbles” to deal with territorial or bullying issues.

Clearly, I was a troublemaker.  Smaller than nearly everyone in my classes from the first day of kindergarten, younger than everyone for sure.  I was also quite shy.  Being the early 1970’s, since no one really talked about divorce, no one was aware that I did not have a male influence in my life, as it would take no time to become obvious with my lack of sports experience, as well as sticking up for myself.

Being such a high risk for being a bully and exhibiting the aggressive behavior of such, kids took the offensive and preemptive position to strike first, and make sure I got put in my place.

So between the description of my childhood stature and personality, and the sarcasm pointing to the threat I obviously presented, you can gather, I was not actually a bully.  Instead, I was a victim, often, and many times.  And there were several times that in spite of my ability or my personality, things were always able to be made worse for me.

Options I was given ranged anywhere from “ignore them” to “go to the principal,” both of which resulted in an escalation of not only incidents, but a variety of participants.  Soon, it was not just other boys coming at me, soon, even girls (I was taught early on, never to fight a girl – so I allowed it to happen), and even multiple assailants.  Instead of learning subjects in my classrooms, I was busy plotting ways to avoid what I knew would be waiting for me either during recess, or worse, on the way home from school.  I had to decide which stairwell to take, and then which roads or alleys would be safe that day.

When things finally got bad enough, requiring intervention, those in authority took the following position, “it’s just a phase… all kids go through this stuff.  You just need to start sticking up for yourself.”

I never resorted to the most extreme acts of “snapping,” which back in the 1970’s would have been me actually just breaking a nose.  But I definitely get the mindset of students today, who feel they have no other choice, and sadly feel the need to respond in the most violent of ways.  I am not speaking for those back in the 50’s and 60’s, but since my days in school, though things have been “tried,” and I put that in quotes, because I honestly do not believe any honest full hearted approach has ever been put into dealing with the chronic condition, clearly not a phase.

The results from my history involved with bullying are not scientific, but they are fact.  I do have a huge chip on my shoulder, one that results in zero tolerance for impacting me negatively in any aspect of my life.  I suspect every one of trying to get one up on me, and I will not allow it to happen.  For those that were the bullies, many ended up with a criminal history.  Some raised bullies of their own.  And those that made it through adulthood, continued the aggressive dominating behavior leading to their “success” today.

This is not healthy.  Back in my school days, there was no solution to bullying, and there was no interest in it.  Even a school shooting involving a classroom near where I lived in the 1990’s, a bullying victim finally had enough, walked into his classroom, and murdered his bully in cold blood in front of his classmates.  I want to be clear, I am not talking about school shootings or gun rights or anything like that.  I honestly do not believe I will ever see any solution to this type of violence in my lifetime as it has now become a regular assumption, our children go to school every day, prepared to be the next victim.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!  I never went to school thinking I had a chance of being killed.  Now, it is just a way of life.

When I became a father, the two places I felt my children were supposed to be safe from the hatred and violence, was church, and school.  Early through their childhood, I know the school district did make an attempt to take on bullying with an anti-bullying program called “Olweus” which in spirit was a good program, because it made many aware of the problem, but it also held those accountable.  Two problems, program was tedious to maintain and no one had any interest in doing it, and of course, the “not my kid” parents, quick to threaten lawsuits defending their child’s rights to a public education.  Olweus, disappeared.  The option of dealing with bullying at the lower levels, still could not be handled.

Over the last couple of years, schools have come up with a different plan.  Having no choice anymore, given the stakes involved, an option once considered a reason for further abuse, “narcing” on someone, with the help of technology, students are now able to request help, and report concerns, without fear of reprisals.  An anonymous tip sets off a response of school officials and local authorities, hopefully to preempt a legitimate threat or event.  This resource is called “Safe 2 Say Something.”  Clearly a statement opposite of an attitude long gone by, “don’t be a narc” or in the late 90’s “snitches get stitches.”

The risks, and dare I saw it, the rewards, are immediate.  With our children being ground zero, not just in the environment, but likely first to find out of such concerns with involvement in social media, and knowing that they do not want to be the next headline, there is now a safe outlet for them to report a concern or threat.  And this program is not just about dealing with bullies or a full-blown violent event, but even helps in preventing students who have concerns of hurting themselves.  If a friend is concerned for another who has recognized a negative change in behavior, that friend may just make that necessary call to get their friend help.

Does “Safe 2 Say Something” work?  When it is used, yes, it does.  Because one the authorities are involved, they can respond before something has the chance to happen.  At the least, the authorities can determine if any threat is of real concern, or just someone venting.  What this means, we are now at a crossroads, where we have to stop saying “it is just a phase” when something happens.  Whether the threat is real, or “I was just joking, I wasn’t serious when I wrote that,” these acts need to be taken seriously.

I have talked with both of my daughters about this program, and actually every time an incident occurs.  I get the emails from both schools when there was a perceived threat, and I discuss with the girls their feelings about what happened, and how it is being handled.  They both know about the “Safe” program, though I respect their privacies not to ask if they have ever used it.  Though they do admit to knowing some who have.  But I do believe that both would do the right thing if they were faced with knowing a potential harm.

It will be another post, but parents need to be more involved when concerns are raised.  We also need to do more to deal with emotional needs of our students.  And though I recognize that legally, school districts are often restricted in information that can be made public, there is more that can and needs to be done to keep the spotlight on a zero tolerance in accepting any violence against themselves or other students.

Please in almost fifty years, we should have made more progress in dealing with violence in our schools, than just giving a “safe” way to tattle on another student.  Bullying in school was never a phase.  It was a symptom of a bigger problem, and it is still happening today.  Knowing the problem is not enough to make it go away.  Decades later, we know this.

 

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By...
02 Feb 2020

The Sham Of The “Best Interests of The Child”


Being an advocate, it is hard to turn off the “ping” that goes off, triggering a call to respond to something that goes against an issue that you fight for.  Before I begin, I must state for my trolls…

THIS POST  DOES NOT REFLECT MY INDIVIDUAL SITUATION CONCERNING MY DIVORCE OR CUSTODY ISSUES IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.

I was doing what I often do, helping one of my daughters in determining what courses she should take for next year.  This particular daughter, has some big eyes.  She wants to do and take everything.  Initiative.  You have to admire that.  Once she has expressed everything she is interested, in an effort to help her whittle her list down to a more manageable and doable schedule, she still found herself in a bind with one or two courses that she wanted to take.

Admittedly, you probably will not find many kids who are willing to take on extra classes, just because.  But as I helped my daughter to prioritize what was important to her, I asked her what she felt especially strong about, passion.

I was about to present an option to her that I know she was completely unaware of, but I did.  Her school district offers after school courses, which, two of her choices that she was looking to enroll in, were actually available outside of school.  Meaning?  She could take the courses that would make the difference academically, and the extra courses she could take to help her decide if that is what she really wanted to do, without wasting valuable credits.  I have her curiosity and we are currently working on that situation.

But it is what I found on one of the pages of the brochure of the community education provided by the school district, that is what triggered me.

This is a snapshot from the brochure, and I have intentionally scratched out the instructor’s name, coincidentally, a family court lawyer.

Now unless you have been through the process of custody, you have no idea the what it is like to have the rush of bile into the throat upon seeing this.  If you have never gone through a divorce and are about to, you see it as an opportunity how to DIY (do it yourself) with important information such as the “sixteen factors” which do exist in the state’s law, but the “tools that can be used to aid in presenting your case to the court?”  I have a problem with that.

The timing of this class is unfortunate as well.  This was taken from the Fall brochure, but as I researched, the instructor is teaching another one of these courses in the Spring, so, in spite of the hope that lies ahead, it seems that at least someone is teaching “business as usual” instead of the great news of the new process that will hopefully be coming.

You see, the state in which this is occurring, is one of the latest, and one of the last, to recognize the rights of both parents in a declaration of 50-50 shared legal and physical custody.  For many, we still cannot understand why this is not a guarantee for all states, and still there are some that have not begun the process to legislate this.

Many states have approved, and more are in the process of approving, laws that guarantee the rights of both parents (when applicable) to legal and physical custody.  Prior to this, in spite of the “sixteen factors,” if both parents  met those factors equally, one parent still was likely to be given an award of full or primary custody.  Full meaning just that, primary meaning that children would get to spend overnights with the other parent, visitation if you will.

Back in the 1950’s, mothers were stay at home, so courts often ruled against the fathers for custody, simply because they were never around, BECAUSE THEY WERE WORKING!!!.  They were penalized for being the only one bringing in money, by not being considered for custody of their children.

I will spare the chronological progression through the decades, but needless to say, in the 21st century, it is more the rule than the exception, that in a two-parent family, both parents work.  So it would make sense then, that perhaps there should be an adjustment to the assumption of custody.  Only in recent years, have states begun the process of giving both parents equal rights of custody.

In Florida, also one of the states lagging behind correcting this injustice, in December of last year, the legislature filed a bill that would give equal custody to both parents, presumed, not by way of contesting and objections.  In the state where this “course” is being taught, the bill was filed back in May of 2019, still yet to be passed into law.

I will get to the opponents of the position of equal custody in a moment.  But first, the obvious argument to which their can be no objection to.  I challenge you to find a reason why equal and shared custody should not be presumed.  And here is the example.

Husband and wife, a.k.a. father and mother, never have any negative history in their family in regard to their parenting.  Both work.  Both play an active role in their childrens lives.  No history of domestic issues.  Regardless of what the current status of any laws in any state, if something happens to one parent, such as a debilitating illness or even worse, death, the surviving (or healthy) parent would then assume 100% custody of the children.  Why?  Because that person is the parent.  So, if that parent is to be assumed capable of taking over custody in the event of a tragedy, why should that parent not have the equal right to the children when both parents are capable?

You cannot argue that.  If that parent is good enough when “forced” into full time single parenting, that parent is just as good to have the right to be the parent with equal time shared with the other parent.

This is the exact scenario that is being argued and states are in the process of passing laws in favor of, making this thinking the presumed situation.  Or as advocates for shared custody would call it, literally, “the best interests of the child.”  And this is in agreement with psychological professionals as well, that as long as both parents exist, it is in the best interests of the children to have equal time with both parents.

There are two main groups that will be very vocal against this.  The first of course, will be the lawyers.  They argue that the children risk being exposed to domestic violence if the children are not given to one particular parent until the situations are completely researched.  In other words, assume the worst of one of the parent, until that parent can litigate their rights for equal custody.  And yes, children do need to be protected from abusive situations.  But not at the innocent expense of a parent and children.  Especially when there is no known evidence of any kind of domestic abuse.  The cynic in me will go one step further and say of course the lawyers will not support a bill like this, because financially, they have everything to lose.  Imagine, parents being given equal custody means no more lengthy drawn out and expensive court filings and modifications.  For the parents, this is a win because of all the money saved that can be used for the children.

And of course, the other group are the bitter spouses/parents.  The ones who feel entitled (i.e. only a mother can take care of children), filled with vengeance for a relationship ending in break-up, and a phenomenon called “the baby mama” (ones who get pregnant for the purposes of collecting court determined and ordered child support).  Obviously it is called that, as the male cannot get pregnant, and only the mother has full control of the situation.  Just looking at the descriptions of the above and tell me what you see missing.  The relevance of what role the children have in these selfish behaviors… NONE!  How is this in the best interests of the children?  It is not and everyone knows it.

Another group does exist, and is definitely for the best interests of the children, and that is advocates against domestic abuse.  We all know these situations exist.  We have also heard the nightmares of children services not responding or doing enough to protect children in harms way.  But to throw a blanket over the whole custody issue claiming domestic violence as the reason for presuming less than shared custody, to protect the child, then other children are harmed by being denied the opportunity of equal time with both parents, who are not exposed to that violent environment.  In other words, being punished for something they did not do.

We all experience this type of situation at one time or another in our lives.  We get punished as a group for something someone or some group has done.  An entire class gets extra homework because someone was talking during class.  Yes, that will teach the innocent ones.  All employees lose extra “break” time because a supervisor has an ax to grind with one employee.  Instead of the supervisor dealing with the employee, the boss makes all employees pay a price, which he hopes will result in those employees “correcting” the offending employee.

Do you see how awful this thinking is?  Punishing someone for something that they did not do?  Remove the parents from the equation, leaving only the children.  How is restricting a child from one of their parents, whom they have known the entire time that their parents were married, never witnessed any violence in the home against the other parent or themselves, with both parents more than capable of taking care of the child, in the best interests of the child?  It isn’t.

That is why, like the two states mentioned above are in the process of doing what so many have already corrected, and others need to come to the realization, in the families where children have two parents, that in the ending of that relationship, the children need both parents… EQUALLY!

I wonder if that lawyer is teaching that in the class.  Or does she follow the lead of the temperament of the “students” simply looking for less expensive advice, emotional support and “understanding” of their situation, and lead those how to follow the path if they feel sole custody is what matters and how to get the system to order that?

Posted in Adoption, Bullying, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Politics | Leave a comment
30 Jan 2020

How Road Trips Have Changed


“99 bottles of beer on the wall.  99 bottles of beer.  Take on down, pass it around.  98 bottles of beer on the wall.”  The things we did as kids to occupy our time on road trips.

Of course nothing beat harassing the driver in the car behind ours because they had to look at our stupid faces we made for however long they followed our car.

God help you if you got stuck riding on one of these things for any duration.

Ah… good times.

As a grown up, all I was worried about was having some good tunes to listen to, enough to last the length of time it took to arrive.  Because nothing was a better gauge of how much time you had left to go, than, how many CD’s you had gone through already, and still had to go.

Then, there are the road trips as a parent.  Along with all the necessary baby supplies, there was now the on-board entertainment.

With two children, all that was needed was for both to agree on which movie would be watched first.

And then they become teenagers.  I was expecting to recall the old days of stupid and nonsensical songs.

I want to be clear.  I was blessed with two great travelers.  They started at a very young age with a 16 hour non-stop flight from China, each, and endured several trips, many longer than a six hour drive.  So, my daughters keeping themselves amused is not really a concern.

As I drive with them now, they keep themselves entertained.

And so began the escalation of the level of entertainment.  As my daughters peruse social media, one stumbles upon a particular crude meme, which by itself, stands alone as a conversation starter.  But as my older shows it to me, the gears between my ears go into reverse, and recalling the road trips of my childhood, I take what my daughters have given me…

Upon realizing what I am looking at, the challenge is issued.  How many words can we come up with that will rhyme with the sound “a-shun” to make a catchy slogan to go with the meme.

That killed about a good half an hour of time on that long drive, and provided a lot of words, and a lot laughs.  Then it was back to their phones while I continued the drive.

Out of the blue, I hear from the back seat where my older daughter is sitting, “so Dad.  Who do you think is the better whistler?”

By now I had been driving  four and a half hours straight, listening to “Roxanne” by Arizona Zervas for seemingly the dozenth time, not an exaggeration either and the song is ten times worse than the “Roxanne” by The Police.  Before I answered my daughter, I realized that I actually did hear both of my daughters whistling along to the song, that evidently my efforts to drown out the music, drowned out the whistling as well.

Regardless, I normally do not tune my daughters out for any reason, and having done so in this instance, I was still able to give an answer to my older daughter’s question.

Me:  You know I am not going to answer that question.  There is no “better than” ever, when it comes to you and your sister.

Sibling rivalry goes back centuries.  But over the last several years, I had been noticing a ramping up of “competition”, mainly stirred up in a one sided fashion, always the same daughter looking for the verification of a notch over the other sister.

Besides the fact that my daughters are both adopted, they are legally sisters, but come from different provinces.  They have different skin complexions, different shapes.  Even their hair is different in texture.  The bottom line, I love them both the same.

Decades ago, my mother had been a newspaper reporter for a local paper.  One of her fellow reporters had gone to report on a car accident involving a young driver.  My mother told me the story, how the while the reporter was interviewing the mother of the teenager, who sadly had been killed in the accident, the reporter had discovered that the mother had another child.  To witness my mother tell me what happened next, was pure horror.  The reporter asked, “so which child was your favorite?”  I was not even a teenager myself when I heard this story, but it has always stuck with me.  I could not believe someone could be so mean and insensitive to ask a question like that, EVER!  But before my first daughter was ever placed in my arms, regardless how many children I would have, I would never allow a question like that to be asked of me.

Over the years, I have been asked repeatedly about the “so who is better” by my daughters, more often by my older.  The comparison could have been about karate, eating habits, and of course school.  School comparisons are the hardest to be neutral about, because unlike comparing habits and activities, grades are black and white.  And at least once a year, maybe even twice, I am challenged about the difficulty or ease of school grades.  Both are good students, that is for sure.  But that is definitely where the similarity ends.  They have different study habits.  Both have different interests in school, and therefore have different academic plans.  And yes, grade results are different.  For the most part, they have not had the same teachers for their courses which also plays a role.  It is wrong for either to feel that one just has an easier time, or “comes natural”, and I remind them both of that.  But we are entering an even more difficult time next year.  One daughter has begun the SAT process, and my younger daughter will begin her testing next year.  So I will not only have grades to disprove in importance for comparison sake, but now will be results of the same test, taken by both, for the sake of their continuing education, which of course I am hoping for both.

This issue has its moment where it is a concern to me.  Self esteem development during teen years is tough enough without feeling good enough cognitively.  And if you are an older sibling, there is definitely that feeling that there should be an edge when it comes to grades and scores.

Or could it be more than just sibling rivalry.  What if, as parents, their mother and I actually created the situation that has at least one daughter striving to be different, or better?

I swore I would never do this to my kids, and it happened.  Sure, they looked cute dressed alike, something that was once specific to identical twins, and hilarious unable to tell who was who.  But except for Hallmark Cards or Normal Rockwell paintings, I personally do not care for dressing children identical.  But they were cute.  As time went on, my older daughter would hear the question, “are they twins?” when clearly they are not, but it actually became an irritating question to her.  She loved her sister.  But it bothered her to be considered a twin.

Complicating the matter, was when the decision was made, and I need to state, not by me, and quite possibly not originally agreed upon by both of my daughters, that they would share a bedroom.  They each had their own rooms for the first three years, and then they ended up in the same room, “because that is what sisters do.”

Combining these two factors, I cannot help but wonder, dressing alike, sharing the room with each other, did we as their parents create, or at the least enable the competition levels of the sibling rivalry to escalate.  Admittedly, dressing alike did not allow them to stand out from each other, and having them share a room, when they did not need to, prevented them from developing their independence.  And now, there seems to be a struggle to stand apart, and the only way to accomplish that, is to have higher marks, or to be “better than.”

It seems like a monthly conversation that I have with both daughters.  I emphasize how much I love them both the same.  There should be no competition between them.  The things that they cannot control that one would have an advantage over the other, is their age, and the time that they were adopted.  Everything else is being determined by nature and nurture.  As they get older, their own individual interests have either developed, or are beginning to develop, and maybe those will change.

And besides loving both daughters the same, they will both get the same encouragement and support in their goals.  That should be important to any parent.

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation | Leave a comment

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