I have a lot of posts cued up, ready to go. They are a bit on the more serious side though. So, before I get to those, yesterday, a couple of my friends who have toddlers, both shared photos of the young children playing together. Both families echoing the same sentiment, hoping that moments like this would last forever. I am here to tell you that it can happen.
I was given this photo album last Father’s Day. It holds 500 photos, which I should have plenty of slots left open for the future. I don’t. Truth be told, and I can confirm the actual count, as I have my near entire catalogue of photos of my daughters saved in my laptop and external hard drives. The number of memories I have, is well over 50,000 photos.
I spend a lot of my free time, going through them, and remembering all the situations and stories behind them all. And when I get to the part, where my first severe medical issue came up in regard to my cancer survivorship, I can see all of the memories that have been made ever since, time I thought that I would never see.
I wrote to my friends and offered them this advice. Provide them with time with each other, and give them time separate with their friends. As time goes on, experiences that they share with others, provide opportunities for discussion with each other. And experiences that they have with each other, become conversations of memories when they are hanging with friends. Soon, they are no longer toddlers, no longer teenagers, but parents themselves.
I am the first to acknowledge, after what I went through in 2008 with life and death heart surgery, no one is more appreciative, happy, to have witnessed their children growing up, and staying close, as me. I plan on being around a lot longer, and I cannot wait to see the relationship they have with each other as adults. I know that they will have plenty to look back on and remember. And if they need help, I have a few more photos to show them.
The nursery rhyme goes, “sugar and spice, and everything nice. That’s what little girls are made of.” This is one of many rhymes and lullabies my daughters heard from me when they were younger. There are still buzz words and phrases they hear from me, that remind them, I have not forgotten their childhood memories they have given me. Of course, that often more likely results in the teenage “eye roll”. I don’t care.
Those days are so long ago now, and Easter dresses and other holiday outfits, are now prom gowns and other formal dance dresses.
But this moment is more than just about inevitability. It is yet another milestone that I have been able to reach in my cancer survivorship, and with all the health issues I have faced because of that survivorship. In the past, many of my caregivers often accused me of understating and undervaluing the events that I have gone through, just because I keep on “keepin’ on.” It is all I know.
The reality is, and words I will never forget hearing from my cardiologist, I was dying back in 2008. It was “not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’ from a fatal heart condition.” Not my cancer, but an issue related to the radiation therapy I received for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988. That therapy has cause many issues, just to my heart alone.
My daughters now old enough, did not witness my cancer journey, and were just toddlers when I had my life saving open heart surgery (the first of three eventual heart surgeries), so they really do not have many memories of that. As time has gone on, they have seen more of the issues I struggle with, but now they are older and can understand why.
They understand it goes beyond a Dad being all sappy and mushy as I cling to pictures with the Easter Bunny and playground games, and then look at them now, and lose it.
My doctors now know, I do not underestimate or undervalue the medical challenges I have faced. But boy do I celebrate each new milestone and event, I otherwise would never have seen had it not been for the medical experts and the science that found the cures and surgeries to help me heal.
I warned my older daughter that with this being her last semester of high school, these next few months were going to fly by. We are already through two months, and prom season is around the corner. Another milestone by all rights, I know I am more than lucky to be able to see.
Though I see this daughter all of the time, fortunately, the “look” is not something frequently seen. She is normally a very happy young lady, with a smile and a giggle that melts my heart. This particular look has one more level, that of which is referred to as the “stink eye.” For those unprepared, she can make you feel quite uncomfortable. For those who know her well enough like I do, it is all show.
I have been on the receiving end of this look occasionally, I think I can count less than necessary of my ten fingers. But one particular incident took me off guard.
It was a Valentine’s Day and I had just come home from work. I needed to get changed for dinner as we were all going out. My cell phone rang. I was currently in a cycle of receiving phone calls for my first ex-wife (wife in this story is ex-wife #2). They were bill collectors trying to reach her, and by using “guilt by association” data bases (I had not been married to her over a decade by this time), when they cannot get ahold of the person they are trying to reach, they will contact everyone in their data base.
Typically, I ignore these calls. Once you answer them, they will keep calling, even when you explain that you have not seen or talked to them in over ten years. But I was in a good mood. And that meant, I was up for a little fun.
I let the caller go through their talking points, asking for my 1st ex-wife. And then I unloaded on them.
“How many times do I have to tell you, I have not seen her, heard from her, in over 10 years! What else do I have to do to get through to you people, I have no way to reach her?
The caller interrupted, “I am sorry for the inconvenience…”
Then I interrupted him. “You’re sorry! It’s freaking Valentine’s Day. I am planning to take my wife (now ex-wife) out to a romantic dinner, and she hears you asking for my ex wife? You have ruined this day for both of us. I hope you are satisfied.” And then I hung up.
As this call was occurring, I was pacing the floor, so that my voice sounded as if I was excited and upset. I saw my ex standing in front of me, and she had an odd look on her face, which did not appear related to the call. After I disconnected the call, I asked her, “what?” She nodded at me to turn around.
At just about waste height, I had not looked lower from eye level, to not realize my older daughter had been standing there.
My daughter had a stern look on her face, like the picture above, pointed a finger at me, and said, “you had another wife?”
Throughout my parenthood, I had always played out scenarios of situations where my daughters might just ask me questions about my youth, to perhaps help gauge a decision about to be made. It did not matter if it was about dating, smoking pot, underage drinking, or whatever else. They were going to get honesty from me, at an age appropriate level.
But there was one part of my life that I had not given any thought to, because it really had no bearing on my daughters. Their mother and I are the only parents that they know. So I did not feel it was imperative at their young age to know that I had been married previously. Sure, it might come up for discussion perhaps in their adulthood. However, I had no ties to my first ex-wife, especially children.
I stuck my own foot in my mouth though. The topic, it was not a secret, was out. I had a short conversation, lasting five minutes or less, my prior marriage, again, keeping it at age appropriate level. And then, my daughter moved on.
My daughters are still teenagers, one of adult age now, and my resolve is still the same, to be open and transparent with my daughters about my past. Right now, my focus is on school, and after graduation, and making sure my daughters have the right ideals and morals, when it comes to dating. Dating is one concern that I do have as a father, because I remember how I was as a teenager. I am fortunate that my daughters had a great role model as their baby sitter, because they remember her. And when I tell them how focused a student she was, that when she was not at school, she concentrated on her work, which included babysitting, and of course her family. Dating and boyfriends came after those.
I do not talk to my daughters about my divorce from their mother, except when something is mis-stated and needs to be corrected. I also do not want them to think I am sour against marriage though I have no interest in that again. As they approach their adulthood, I just feel it is important to be one of the two most important people in their lives to set an example for them, and to support and encourage them.
My health has been challenging since my late effects from my cancer treatments caught up with me. I had no guarantee that I would be here to see this day, yet, here I am. That means I am going to have more conversations with them, including about my past. Hopefully, and there is no rush, this will include parental advice.
Paul's Heart 