Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

06 Jul 2022

Lost In Translation


“Mei wen ti”.  The Chinese Pinyan expression does not ring a bell to you?  How about, “Hakuna Matata?”  You do not need to have had children to have heard this expression from the Disney classic, “The Lion King,” Pumba the wart hog sings, “it means no worries for the rest of your days, it’s our problem-free philosophy.”

“Mei wen ti” may not have the familiarity of Hakuna Matata, but it most certainly is the way of life that I strive every day to maintain.  You may also have heard of the serenity prayer, and I am paraphrasing, “give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I keep coming back to “Mei wen ti.”  Why?  Because of all the challenges in life that I have faced, too many to list in this post, those three words, “Mei wen ti” changed my thinking and way of life forever.

I first heard “Mei wen ti” at a hotel in Hong Kong.  I had just landed in Hong Kong to adopt my daughter, a blessing from China.  I handed my credit card to the desk clerk to pay for my overnight stay.  Before I left, I notified my bank, a small credit union, that I would be travelling overseas, so that they would not suspect anything with my credit card being used in China.  And then I heard…

“It was declined,” said the clerk.

I told the clerk to try again.  I knew it was working.  I knew there was zero balance on when I left for the airport the day before.

“Sir, it is declined again.”

Beginning to panic, I urged the clerk to try again.  There has to be a mistake.

Our guide for this part of the trip, Ben, came over to me, asking what was the matter.

I told Ben, that my credit card was being rejected and I had no idea why.  I had only enough cash for some expenses during our two week trip, and still needed to pay for hotels and in country flights to finally meet my daughter.  Impossible without that working credit card.

“Mei wen ti.”

I said, “excuse me?”

Ben repeated it.  “Mei wen ti.”

Now completely baffled, as I do not speak Chinese, I shouted, “what the hell does that mean?”

Ben translated, “it means no worries.”

Oh my God.  You have to be kidding.  Does he not understand English?  I hear him speak it.  But I just got done explaining my problem, and all he can say is “don’t worry about it.”

Ben continued, “we are coming back to hotel in fourteen days.  You take care of bill then.  Mei wen ti.”

Ben really did not understand.  I had no working credit card, and I was on the other side of the world.  All he could do was tell me not to worry?

Later that morning, we took the flight to the province where my daughter lived.  We met our guide for that part of the trip, De.  I began to explain my problem, and only got as far as the beginning before he interrupted, “mei wen ti.”

What the hell is it with this “mei wen ti?”  I have a real problem here, and some quirky Chinese expression is not going to get my credit card working.

As we arrived at our hotel in the capital city, my turn came in to check in, with no credit card, and not enough cash to pay.  De joined me at the counter, looked at me and smiled, “mei wen ti.”  While I felt like blowing a major gasket at that moment, in just that instant, De pulled out a credit card, and said something to the clerk behind the desk, which I assume, was informing the clerk that De was accepting responsibility for the room until I got my credit card mess figured out.

De turned to me again and smiled.  “Mei wen ti.”  This time, emotionally choked up, I repeated, “mei wen ti?”  De said, “go take your bags upstairs and come downstairs right away.  It is time to meet your daughter.”

With a thirteen hour time difference, and a turtle-slow internet connection, over a weekend no less, four days later, the problem with my credit card was resolved and by the time it was to check out, I was able to pay my hotel bill.  Now, I just had to worry about the hotel in Hong Kong which would now be done.

Mei wen ti.  I could have worried myself into a frenzy, and all that would have happened in a foreign country, at the least could have led to an international incident with an American going berserk.  Instead, the kindness of two strangers, and three words, spoken in Chinese, taught me a new way of dealing with things that were beyond my control.

Mei wen ti.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
18 Jun 2022

Father’s Day Thoughts


I have made one thing clear to my daughters as they have either reached adulthood, or about to, of any of the holidays of the year, Father’s Day is the most important to me. As I am sure for many, Father’s Day carries many different emotions and feelings. But I define my life, by those three letters, “D” “A” “D”. And as the subtitle of my blog states, “life as a Dad, and a survivor,” “Dad” is the first mention of my two definitions.

I have made many references to Harry Chapin’s song “Cats In The Cradle” over the years. And as the meme suggests, as the song reaches its later verses, reality sinks in. And though I would never have expected Chapin to have added an alternate final verse, as a grown son in his fifties now, I wonder what he would have wrote and sung about life in the end, without “Dad”. As happy as Father’s Day is for many of us, it is also a sad day for those of us who have lost our Fathers, some long ago, some recently.

The life between my Father and I was a complicated one, a tale of two halves, fortunately, the second half being more memorable and lasting. And as I have written recently, I am finally working through at least one of the issues from my childhood with him.

And that brings me to others who are celebrating without their “Dads” for one reason or another. There are any number of reasons a child may not have a Father figure in their life. But none will be more difficult than a child knowing that they have a Father, somewhere, and either the Father has made the choice not be in that child’s life, or, just as bad, a mother choosing to alienate her child from their father. When this happens, while the intended target is the Father, it is ALWAYS the unintended target, the child, who will pay the most for that act. EVERY TIME! This is not only an unnatural act to deny a relationship with a parent, but it is child abuse.

Being a Dad has been one the most meaningful thing in my life. Being a parent does not come with a manual, if you are lucky, you may have experiences that you have witnessed from others that may help guide you.

Just to get to the point of becoming a father was an uphill battle for me with my health issues. Having the title of “Dad” does not automatically make you a Dad. Sure there are lots of fun and laughs watching your child grow, but parenthood also comes with seeing your children experience pain and sometimes heart break. And that can be real tough.

And if that is not hard enough, throw divorce into the mix. While trying to make sure that the bonds between father and child are not stressed or fractured, additional pressures are faced. Unlike my father who made the choice to be distant in my childhood, I promised my daughters I would always be in their lives. And I have kept that promise. With the exception of two Father’s Days early on in the divorce, for reasons I will not go into presently, I have celebrated this day every year with my daughters.

But just as Chapin’s song goes, when our children grow, they have their own lives, and eventually their own children, their own Father’s Days. And that may mean, just the phone call from your daughter or son having to be good enough. The first time that happens will always be hard. But to have gotten to this point in all of your lives is a foundation that can never be taken away.

I have one more Father’s Day yet with a “child,” and then I will have two grown daughters, who will always be my daughters, but may have something going on in their lives which may not allow them to be with me on this day. But I will have Facetime to fall back on, and just to see their smile will be just as good, to bring back all the memories that they have given me over the years.

And with each year, yes, I miss my Dad. I am sure that he is watching, and happy with the young ladies my daughters are becoming. And I am sure he is happy with the Dad I am. I know I am very happy.

Happy Father’s Day to all. And for those whose Fathers are no longer with them, I hope you have fond memories to carry you through this day.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
12 Jun 2022

40 Year Forgiveness For My Father


To quote Lizzo, “it’s about damn time.”

In over the span of a week, I got to experience two of the greatest milestones of being a Dad, graduation. My oldest daughter graduated from both her art program at the tech school that she attended, and of course, her high school. I am pretty sure that I was making more of a big deal about the pending ceremonies than she was. But I could tell, she knew things were about to change.

From the first note of the processional to the pronouncement of the completion of their education, my eyes were trained solely on my daughter. She would make a great poker player, as she does not often show emotion. But I could see it on her face, today was one of the happiest days in her short life. At each ceremony, as her name was called out, I felt the overwhelming emotion pour over me at the moment.

She did it.

She now enters the next stage of her life, and will quickly come to realize what I meant when I repeatedly told her to “stay a kid for as long as you can.”

Though these evenings were all about her, I wrote just a week ago, that I struggled with an issue since my graduation nearly forty years ago, the fact that my father had not attended my graduation, after a childhood I felt filled with absentee disappointments by my father, one after another. It was an actual struggle to keep my focus on my daughter, and not the actions of my father.

There is no escaping the reality of these evenings for me as a father, and preventing my daughter from having the feelings of loss like I lived with most of my life. My struggling health, issues related to the divorce, and even a pandemic were all things that stood in my way of these moments. But the strongest thing I could not get over, was that one night in June of 1983. My determination not to let the same thing happen to my daughter drove me the most to get to this night.

I cannot help but feel, though my father has long since passed, he was watching over his granddaughter, with the pride that I am sure he would have had for me, and that he played a role somehow with us getting to this point.

It was then that I realized, I need to, and I wanted to, forgive my Dad.

There is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting. To forget something, is to have no memory of it, as if it never happened. And most often the case, the reason we do not forget something, is because we do not want to forgive. I will not say that it was foolish for me to have carried this with me nearly four decades, because the hurt was real. And while I do wish this could have been resolved before my father passed away, it was this moment, that I felt an enormous weight lifted from my heart, and I know that it was my Father accepting my forgiveness.

So, on to the next chapter for my daughter, my younger daughter coming up the next year. My health issues will continue. I have proven my status as a reliable Father of a divorce to the only people that matter, my daughters. And clearly we will be dealing with the pandemic much longer, and I have learned to survive through that as well.

Not just the next chapter for my daughter, but now, on to the next chapter for me as Dad.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment

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