A Vicarious Life
At one point in your life, you have had to hear the phrase “living vicariously through the life.” But what exactly does that mean? According to Merriam-Webster, it is “experienced or realized through imaginative or sympathetic participation in the experience of another.” When it is said, under normal circumstances, it usually refers to some sort of thrilling experience or achievement. But it can also apply to trauma or a traumatic event. Living vicariously means experiencing more out of something, by imagining yourself right in the thick of whatever is occurring, not just sitting back and watching it.
It can be said, that parents often live vicariously through their children. I make no assumptions about any particular parent, but many seem really push their children in extra curricular activities, sometimes, too hard, sometimes, too unrealistically. It is one thing for a child to have an interest in something, say basketball. It is another to build that child’s life to being the number one pick in the NBA draft. Or you can see it with so many “stage parents” on television or elsewhere, who may just have a natural born gift or talent pushing for a golden ring towards a big break in entertainment. What is the motivation? That is the difference between a dream, and living vicariously.
There is another way to live vicariously, and as opposed to what I previously wrote, is more likely to be beneficial, especially to the one who’s life is being piggy-backed to. Perhaps a person fell short in their own life with dreams that they had, whether by plan or by fate (i.e. health had other plans). Maybe, in the hopes of a child, a parent simply wants better for their child.
I have done this parent thing with my daughters by “instinct.” The only role models for fatherhood that I had, were those of my friends who had fathers, and of course TV dads. As far as my friends were concerned, I knew their family makeup was different than mine, and as for TV dads, well, Hollywood is not necessarily accurate. Oddly enough, it was the things that I feel that I missed growing up, that helped me to make the decisions that I did. More importantly, I realized that probably the thing needed by my daughters most, was guidance.
Growing up, they learned values and morals quickly. They learned the importance of making decisions, which would result in rewards, and which would result in consequences. As I said, I wanted them to have a better start in their adult life than I had. Whatever cliche you want to use, trial by fire, school of hard knocks, there was no reason for my daughters to learn the way that I did. I needed them to learn how to communicate when issues needed to be worked out. I wanted them to learn how not to make the financial mistakes that their parents made.
It appears that in those regards, I have succeeded. Fortunately, everything has worked out in the things they have done, just as I said it would. It would have been nice to have gotten advice like I gave my daughters, from anyone, anyone.
But what about the fun stuff? My health history has made that a bit more difficult because I can no longer do the things that I once used to, especially with them. I am still about the opportunities that I want them to have and if I get to watch along the way, that is living vicariously through them. I get my greatest joy seeing their smiles, whether it is skiing, swimming with dolphins, or riding a roller coaster. Them getting to have fun, is me having fun.
The great thing in the end, is the direction that each daughter is going in, is their direction, their dreams, not mine. I want only for them to be happy, healthy, and prosperous. How they get there is up to them. They just know that they have my endless support and guidance.
Paul's Heart 