Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “October, 2020”

Expected To Do The Right Thing – Part 2


In the first part of this post, I wrote about a co-worker who was sick with something very contagious, and in spite of having paid sick time, decided to come into work anyway, putting all of us at risk, perhaps myself even more.  So, in spite of her having the means to stay home and recover, she chose not to do the right thing and come into work.

After some thought, I was considering a third part, but will include that section with this post.

The next example I want to give also involves co-workers who also have sick pay available to them, but instead have an employer that has a disincentive to use that sick pay, reprimands.  And we are not just talking slaps on the wrist.  It was a progressive ladder that once you took more than three sick days in a year, you got a warning.  Miss one more day in that same year, you received a verbal reprimand.  Another day missed, you got a 1-day suspension.  Another day, a 5-day suspension.  Call out again in that year, you could be terminated.

The average worker could have up to 10 days a year of sick pay.  But what good is it, if you are going to be punished for using them.

As was the case of a co-worker who came into work with pink-eye, another highly contagious illness, though not as severe to me as a risk as strep is.  Rather than risk a harsh punishment for calling out sick (he had used sick time for other occurrences during the year so he was in the higher level of discipline range), he made the decision to come to work.

So again, what is the right thing we are expected to do?  Did the employee do the right thing for himself, or his co-workers?  Is the employer doing the right thing by dissuading employees from legitimately using sick time?

Having the amount of health issues that I have, I was definitely not popular at work, with my co-workers or my supervisors.  I missed a lot of time, either due to frequent doctor appointments, or health emergencies that came up.  No one denied that they were real, but they definitely let me know that it was a pain in the ass, and it was not fair to them.  That’s right, I was going through these health emergencies, and that was not fair to them.

Now, my attendance issue is a bit involved, because I know my rights when it comes to the Family Medical Leave Act, and the Americans With Disabilities Act (a separate post).  But because I knew my rights, I survived the punitive chain of reprimands that others chose to accept.

One example.  My 1st heart surgery.

Besides of the traumatic surgery, the healing was going to take longer than usual because of my exposure to radiation during my treatment days.  FMLA which protected my job from being terminated for up to 60 days, would not be enough time.  And as those protected days expired, my employer wasted no time in sending me letters as notice of reprimands, if I did not return to work.  I was not cleared by my cardiologist to return, and in fact, was not expected to be cleared for another three months.

The ADA would protect me, by requiring my employer to accommodate any health restrictions I would need, but my employer was not budging on that either.  They felt that they had an opportunity to get rid of someone who had a poor attendance record, regrettably so.  While I could fight for my ADA rights, if I were terminated, financially I was already dealing with the economic crash of 2008, I could not do without a paycheck while I fight for my ADA rights.

I convinced my cardiologist to return me to work sooner than I was prepared, and without restrictions.  I would rely on my co-workers to help me get by until I was healed.

Expecting someone to do the right thing.

The final example, what about someone who does not have paid sick time available?  There are plenty of people in that situation today.  You don’t go to work, you don’t get paid.  No matter how they feel, even if they are dealing with something as serious as cancer, they must go into work because otherwise would be financially devastated and unable to recover from the snowballing effect of falling behind in bills.

This is what concerns me about government officials, and some others who voice their opinions about CDC recommendations concerning dealing with Covid19.  Rather than us all working with each other, to use minimal efforts of wearing a mask and socially distance, instead those against actually mandating these efforts, the defense is to let people “do the right thing.”

But as in the prior examples, it is not always easy or possible to do what is considered the right thing, let alone determine what is the right thing.  And with those examples, by no means did they produce devastating losses such as Covid19 has left us with, and showing no end in sight.  Clearly, people need to be encouraged to do the right thing, but it has to be done by the right person, or people, and it is not.  So, just as my example in part 1, leaving us up to determine ourselves what is the right thing, the losses are going to end up greater, because just as my co-worker in part 1, some just do not care about anyone else but themselves.

Expected To Do The Right Thing – Part 1


Decades ago, in a former employer of mine, a co-worker came in to work, and let it be known that she had been diagnosed with “strep throat.”  Simply put, it is a very contagious bacterial infection involving the throat, easily confirmed and diagnosed.  It is also easily treated with antibiotics.

I mentioned that it is highly contagious.  You can contract it by being sneezed or coughed on, or by touching a surface that has been sneezed or coughed on by someone who has strep throat.

Like I said, it is easily treatable under most circumstances.

But what happens if you happen to be someone with a compromised immune system?  I have mentioned many times, that I am asplenic, I have no spleen.  My spleen was removed as part of my diagnostics for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  What this has left me with, is not just a condition of increased susceptibility, but an increased risk of complications, up to and including death.  This situation exists for me with all kinds of viruses and bacteria including chicken pox, the flu, and yes, Covid19.

Upon learning that my co-worker had strep throat, I approached my concern about my exposure as we worked in a small enclosed office.  He said, “well what do you want me to do about it?”

Here is what should have been done, often referred to as the right thing, she would have stayed home during her contagious period.  But now she was at work, possibly contaminating the entire workforce.  Instead, I was not faced with the decision of using my own sick time, to go home, so as not to expose myself to the risk.  Oh, except I would not be allowed to use sick time, as I was not officially sick.  Forced instead to use up personal time.  She was sick, yet I was the one affected.

Let’s look at it from the employer point of view.  Would it have been better for the employee to have called out sick from work leaving the workforce only short one person?  Or should the employee be praised for coming in no matter how crappy she felt, but now the potential for multiple employees contracting strep, resulting in many employees out sick, leaving a huge work shortage to make up for?

Let’s look at the employee’s point of view?  She was an adult, so she knew that she had a contagious illness.  She also was lucky enough to have an employer that offered sick pay, so that was not incentive to come into work.

And finally, my point of view.  I was now in the position of having to leave work myself, AND I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS NOT SICK!  I am now being looked at as a pain in the ass and instigator.  I was just expected to suck it up and shut up.  While she was likely not to have any issue with getting over her strep, if I contracted it, I faced huge risks.

This post is relevant.  I am doing it in two parts, normally when I do this it is because they are so long, or has multiple things discussed.  But I am writing this in two parts intentionally.  The next part you will see why.

But based on so far, given today’s attitude either in the some of the government in regard to safety precautions to dealing with the Covid19 pandemic, or the opinions of some of the public, if we are expecting the public to do the right thing, in the above situation, what was the right thing to do?  And why?

Friend Or Parent?


Chances are likely, that a parent with at least one young child, has walked by, or tried to avoid walking by, a dreaded claw machine.  Children’s eyes light up with how simple it must be to win, because the prizes are all just sitting there, waiting to be plucked from the pile.  As parents, we know the game is usually rigged, those cute and cuddly toys packed tighter than a size 9 foot into a size 6 shoe.

Only one of my daughters was fascinated by the game, then determined.  That is when I made the situation worse.  That is when I earned the nickname from her, “the ‘no’ Daddy.”

Neither of my daughters have been want for anything.  I also made sure that I never crossed the line to spoiling them.  I can honestly say, I never dealt with one temper tantrum, in public or at home.  And here is how I did it.

As I said, if my daughters needed something, they got it.  If they wanted it, and neither their birthdays or Christmas was around, there is a 95% chance that they were told “no,” hence the nickname.  And it really had nothing to do with being strict or preventing tantrums as much as it was about not wanting to disappoint them.

My philosophy was simple.  I would rather surprise them with a “yes,” than disappoint them with a “no.”  And there would come a time eventually, that this would become important.  Between the economic crash of 2008, as well as the crash of my health from late effects from my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma treatments, financially things got tight.

But my daughter was persistent with this claw game machine.  Every time we went grocery shopping, I knew that a request to play the game was coming.  If pushed, I would offer some excuses as to why “no” was my response.  I might not have had a dollar bill on me, or my favorite, I would just say the machine was broken.

On one fateful day, my daughter witnessed someone playing the claw machine.  So, I could not say the machine was broken.  And she avoided having to ask me for a dollar because she just so happened to have a dollar bill that was given to her previously by one of her grandparents.  Despite having the advantage, she still held herself respectfully and approached me for permission to give it a shot.  I was in no position for my patented “no.”

And then it happened.

A scream followed by a very proud expression by my daughter.  She was silent and cerebral in what could have possibly been her one and only attempt at victory.  And she not only came out with one prize, but had positioned the claw perfectly, and had grabbed two at the same time.  The claw smoothly slid over to the chute, and then dropped the two toys in, and with a prize held in each hand, she turned to me with the biggest smile a child could ever have.  “You see Daddy!  The machine’s not broken.  And I not only won one prize!  I WON TWO!”

Her victory did not change her behavior when it came to asking for anything, well, except for a kitten, but that is another story.

Like I said, I am so happy I did not have to deal with tantrums.  I know before I got married, heck, even dating, I knew that tantrums were one thing I wanted to avoid.  Toy stores, shopping, the candy aisles, even amusement parks, neither daughter ever threw a tantrum with me.

It was not just the “fun” times or things either.  From the moment both were placed in my arms, every day was about teaching them, setting an example for them.  Just as with “things,” neither gave me a difficult time when it came to schoolwork.  I took advantage of the earlier grades of being not only being able to help with schoolwork, but understand it.  Homework and studying was always a priority, whether we were at home, or on a vacation.  If there was an assignment that did not get done before we left, it came with us.

Even today, my daughters in high school, during my custodial periods, which vary in length, if there is homework to be done, or a test to be studied, I make sure that they have the time to do so.  At this point in their education, and their subjects, they are well beyond any help I can offer with the exception of some proofreading opportunities.

Our current family arrangement has been in place now for several years.  We live quite a distance from each other.  And as is often the case of a non-custodial parent, and I want to be clear (for my trolls), I have never been called the following, “a Disney parent”, a reference to a parent who’s custodial time is only about having good times, while it is assumed the parent with the primary custody “does all the hard stuff.”

I have dreaded the first time I would have ever heard that reference directed at me.  As a divorced father, I have made sure to stay involved with my daughters lives, as much as teenagers will allow.  Circumstances are much different than they were many years ago when we were a whole family.  But my daughters know that my marital status has not changed who I am, and what they mean to me.

And as they head around the final turn of their childhood, things still have not changed for us, just the issues.  Course selection in school has become important.  Extra curricular activities are now a part of building who they are.  And gasp… boys are being mentioned in the singular tense when it comes to activities.

My daughters have often heard me say, “I am your father before I am your friend.”  I have told them I want to make sure they are as prepared as I can make them for their adult lives.  And once they have taken over their adult lives, then we can add friendship to our relationships.

They know times like today are difficult.  They understand when I have to make hard decisions.  And honestly, they are both blessed with good health, so that theory has never really been tested.  I have no problems handling the small stuff.

In the beginning of the Covid19 crisis, I had some difficult decisions to make, to protect my daughters, and to protect me.  The reality that their childhood is winding down, time I can never get back if I am to have to miss something, hits me hard in the stomach.  But with no idea how to handle the virus, what to expect, and the risks people would take, we did miss time with each other.

As time has gone on, and we learn to go through day after day, with Covid19 all around us, we all have adjusted, including school, which has continued on.  Sadly, for the graduation class of 2020, they lost a lot.  And I am hoping that by 2022, Covid19 will be just a horrible chapter in our history books.

But even as we have learned to take precautions to protect ourselves, whether it be individually or as a business, we still must be smart and follow the recommendations.  I would love to carry on with activities as we have with all of our other times together, but right now, that is just not possible.  And that is the hard part of being a parent now.  It is no longer about tantrums, it is about safety for them, and safety for others.

These are just some of the things that have been a priority for me as a parent.  There will come a time, just as I did with my father, that we will sit down, and share stories and memories, have some laughs.  Right now, I still have more work to do.  College is right around the corner.

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