Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “May, 2015”

19 May 2015

Describe The Feeling


One of the statements that always frustrates me when I hear it, is “I know how you feel.”  No, you do not ever know how I feel because you have not personally experienced what I have felt, thought admittedly, you may have an understanding, perhaps because of having had a similar experience.  So, gasp, at the risk of being “politically correct”, gulp, something I am not very good at to begin with, yikes, perhaps instead of stating “I know how you feel,” if you feel a need to respond, simply say, “I understand how you must be feeling.”  It lets us know that you have heard us express what we may be dealing with.

There is a pretty good chance that if someone is expressing something that appears painful, physically or emotionally, that person is either trying to relieve some of the angst or negativity, or is reaching out for help.  And though it may seem harmless, to say “I know how you feel,” and perhaps you may be trying to say “I hear you”, that is not how it will come across to the person seeking someone to just recognize that the individual is not alone.  What that person hears, is that you also have your own problem, and there is a good chance that now guilt will be added to the other’s issue, or perhaps if it is someone who has the personality of taking more on their shoulders than they should, they will add that to their issue as well, because friends do not turn away friends, especially when in need.

Okay, so I got off topic with the title, but I could not help writing the first two paragraphs, whenever I hear people discuss how they are feeling, or what something feels like, and I always hear the same thing, “I know how you feel.”

So, the other day, I was asked, what did it feel like to get diagnosed with cancer?  To get diagnosed with a major heart issue?  To find out that the price of my survival has been more physical ailments caused from the severity and toxicity of my treatments decades ago?

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Yeah, like that.  Like having the wind knocked out of me.  At the time of my cancer diagnosis, I was six months away from getting married (the first time), had a great job.  Things were looking great.  And just like that, it all changed.  When it came to my heart issue, again, everything was going great, my daughters were growing rapidly, the house was in good shape (and so was the economy until a few months later).  And just like that, it all changed.  As for the other issues I am dealing with, they have not presented themselves yet to the point, that I am left with that “punch in the gut” “knocked the wind out of me” feeling.

But just as fighters get pumped for their big fight, something they have looked forward to doing, so it is with events in our personal lives.  But eventually you have to get into the ring.  Sometimes you just get hit with jabs.  Sure, they sting, but not often do they have the impact that a good punch to the rib cage will cause gasping for air, like wondering “what just happened?”  And very quickly you need to regain your focus before you end up taking another severe shot.  Very much so, once being given a difficult diagnosis.  It is so important to regain that focus.

There is a lot of information that will follow that “punch in the gut.”  And unless you have someone else with you to help gather the information, you are the only one in that ring.  You have to defend yourself and get on the offensive.

I have people who have given me news of diagnosis, getting divorced, deaths of loved ones.  And while I have a strategy for getting through these events, some work, some do not, it is not a “fitsall”.  But neither are the feelings that I had when experiencing these things.  But what I do have, is an understanding of what someone may be going through.

“I understand how you are feeling,” may just open the door for the other person to reach out for help or support, that if originally told “I know how you are feeling,” the person may just shut down feeling you have your own burdens and then not wanting to burden you with anymore.

And just for the record… I have taken a punch to the rib cage knocking the wind out of me.  Emotionally for me with my diagnosis, it left me with the same feeling, just mentally, instead of physically.

Posted in Cancer, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
13 May 2015

National Stroke Month


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I am not sure what the other leading causes of death are, but I am certain that auto accidents, heart attacks, and cancer have to be in the top five.

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Timing is everything when it comes to dealing with someone who has had a stroke.  Effects from the stroke can be minimal or severe, short term or permanent.

So what exactly is a stroke?  There are a few main types.  The first is called an ischemic stroke, which for simplest terms, is a blood clot in an artery going to the brain.  It can be caused by fatty substances building up a blockage, or even due to an injury.  Another is called a hemorrhagic stroke, which yes, that means bleeding out.  A common cause of this is a blowout of a blood vessel, called an aneurysm.  Finally, there is the TIA, the transient ischemic attack.  Often times this is not considered a “stroke” per se, but rather a “pre stroke.”  If you have one of these, chances are likely that a stroke is more common to occur.

The truth is, without awareness, you may never realize if someone is having a stroke, and just consider a situation odd.  But having had one relative die of a stroke, another suffer a stroke, my awareness of my father having a stroke following surgery for lung cancer led to a discovery that was definitely unexpected.

My father had just has part of his lung removed for cancer.  The surgery went as anticipated, but his recovery took longer.  He would not wake up.  When he was finally alert, they brought him to his room.  But after the first 48 hours, he was expected to resume normal behaviors such as eating and drinking.  Instead, clearly  my dad was confused.  Both my brother and I witnessed several odd circumstances such as my father claiming to need his glasses to eat, he could not see the food and coffee placed in front of him.  I knew my father wore glasses, but not every moment.  He was not blind, and definitely did not need glasses to see things directly in front of him.

But when a certain food item was placed in front of him, a conversation started that would probably save his life.  A particular food item sparked my dad’s appetite, a mozzarella stick that I purchased down in the hospital cafeteria.  Yes, I know, an odd food choice served by a hospital, but I was glad to have it, trying to get him to eat.  He took a bite and then offered the following compliment, “this is good… how did they make it so soft?”  I thought my dad was just goofing around, though he normally does not have that type of humor.  I told him, “Dad, it’s a mozzarella stick.”  And then he sternly responded, “NO, it’s a carrot stick.”  We exchanged back and forth a couple of times, but clearly my dad was not joking.  My brother and I looked at each other and knew something was wrong.

The sad thing is, a doctor was just in to see my father, and pretty much pronounced him, “recovering well.”  But following that conversation with my dad, I dragged the doctor back in, and then a neurologist was called in, and yes, after further testing, my father had not only suffered a stroke, but two of them.  And more effects from the stroke would be discovered.

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A family member is the best opportunity for a quick response to someone having a stroke.  We know how our loved ones act, speak, walk, and go about daily activities.  And just because they do something odd, does not mean that they have suffered a stroke, it could have just been a moment.  But being aware of the following expression, might just make a difference to someone you know and/or love:

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The clip art on this post, were all taken from the American Heart Association and American Stroke Association web sites.  But one word, FAST, says it all.  Fast not only describes the symptoms and response needed, but also tells you how quickly you need to react.

You can make a difference.

Posted in Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
12 May 2015

A New Kind Of Mother’s Day


I hope that everyone who celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday, had a wonderful day.  If you are a mom, or a dad in the role of “mom”, you earn this day every year.

Holidays for me have always been difficult for me to deal with, but I get through them.  When we adopted our daughters, those issues seem to disappear for awhile for the sake of our children.  In recent years, those issues have returned  Having had to deal with several major lifestyle changes, I have found it difficult to focus on the meaning of the holidays, let alone celebrate them.

I made a choice last year, to move to another state, following the proceedings of my divorce (the reasons will not be discussed in this post, as they are inappropriate for this topic).  So I am more than a thousand miles away from my mother for the first time in my life.  Situations being what they are, she was more than glad to get a simple phone call, wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day, as well as some other chit chat.  It has been nearly six months since I have seen her, and currently, there is no time frame when we will spend time together anytime soon.  Here is a recent picture of my mother with my daughters at a school function.

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Okay, so for those following the score at home, yes, my daughters are also more than a thousand miles away from me as well.  And it is very difficult for all three of us, but it currently is what is best.

Now I will not post any picture of the girls with their mother for one reason only, that I do not have permission to do so.  And it should be expected, after all, when two divorce, it is rare that the couples do not become adversaries.  If they could remain allies, then the need for divorce would not be there.  And while last year, was the first Mother’s Day since the divorce filing, and court proceedings were held during that month, along with the passing of my father, I really did not pay any attention to Mother’s Day last year.

But this year I did.  The one thing that my STBX (soon to be ex) and I will always have in common, is that we will always be our daughters’ parents.  There will be no others.  Sure, there is likely to be at least one step parent at some point, but they will have only one mother and one father.  Husband and wives divorce, but not parents.  Parents have a responsibility to continue to co-parent their children.  And even though I am so far away, I remain in their lives whether it be in school or personal.

I make sure that our daughters know that I stand by most of the things that their mother decides, and for those that I do not, I am careful not to criticize their mother because one parent should never undermine the other.  They do not ever hear anything bad come from my mouth about their mother.  Anyone who should come into my STBX’s life, I let my daughters know that I am happy for her.  It is important that my daughters know that I will never put them in the middle of what is going on between their mother and I.

So yes, yesterday, I did wish my STBX a Happy Mother’s Day.  And I also told my daughters that I hoped they had a fun and enjoyable day with their mother.

Of course, I also encouraged them to call their grandmother to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day as well.

But for many, there are those who have very understandable reasons to find sorrow in this day.  I know many people who are dealing with this holiday for the first time without their mother due to illness or tragedy.  And just as painful, if not more so, is a mother trying to deal with a day, having lost a child, again, due to illness or tragedy.  My heart definitely goes out to each an every one of you on this day.

On a final note, someone who came into our lives more than ten years ago, was a merchant in China, named Anne.  One of the more friendly locals we met, and still keep in touch with today, has something to definitely be thankful for.

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We met Anne on our first trip to adopt our oldest, and then ran into her again when we adopted our youngest.  Anne has probably met more than a thousand families and will be forever remembered for her friendliness.  But today, it is her turn as she finally becomes a mother herself.  So, Happy Mother’s Day Anne, and congratulations!

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment

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