Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the tag “cancer”

If I Had Only Known…


Growing up, I had this uncle with a very warped sense of humor. Back in the 60’s and 70’s no doubt we were all exposed to the “they will do it just once” and our parents let us find things out on our own, such as touching the burner on a stove when it was hot. The thought being that the really smart ones would learn from that scorching mistake in judgement.

Around eight years of age, I pondered what would happen if I held on to the prongs of an electrical cord and plugged it into the wall. My uncle told me he did not know and I should try it if I was curious. After all, I did know that the cord was connected to a lamp, so I knew it could turn the lamp on. And then of course there was Uncle Fester on the TV who could light up a bulb by just sticking it in his mouth.

Fortunately, there was nothing in the path of my tragectory as I was thrown backwards from the jolt of 110 volts going through my hand. I hated that uncle ever since. He could have just said “no” and in theory I would have listened.

Then why is it, that as adults, we have such a hard time, knowing better with our judgements if we are to guide our younger family members. A patient recently diagnosed with lung cancer seemed genuinely shocked to find out, when asking the doctor what could have caused the lung cancer, that the answer was smoking. The patient wanted to present any other kind of explaination. Major denial.

My generation had the subject “Health” in school. And during the elementary years, a good portion of the class was committed to “smoking”. Looking back, it was really a harsh class. As part of the demonstration, an actual, preserved lung was displayed, that was riddled with emphasema. It was awful. Compared to the healthy lung which was not black and hardened, clearly the message was to get to the children, and then the hope was that the children would convince their family members to quit. Emphasema, COPD, and lung cancer… three major reasons to never start smoking, or to quit if you can.

And that is the tricky part, if you can. Cigarettes are one of the most addicting habits one can ever be trapped with, physically addicting and the cigarette companies know that. So, when someone has been smoking for decades, is most likely going to be unable to quit, or restart. And no matter who brings the message home, that person is practically powerless to do anything about it.

I did come home from elementary school one year, following the anti-smoking campaign lesson. And I begged both my mother and father to quit, and why. I got several reasons why they could not, one of which was, “nothing will happen to me”. And that is what happens to people when they make that choice to start smoking. They do not believe that they will be the ones to get cancer.

Funny… I thought the same thing too. But no one knows what caused my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. With lung cancer, it is usually an obvious answer.

It is sad really, to hear these words from someone who has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, “If I had only known…” I guarantee both my parents knew, but just as I held onto the prongs of the cord, I did not listen.

It is a horrible thing to watch anyone die. But even worse when it is from something that could have been prevented. And the sad thing is, there are those in my life, that my children will see smoking, and feel sorrow for them, because their grandfather is battling lung cancer from smoking. And that is what they will remember about him, and worry about anyone else that is smoking.

Smoking is not just a bad habit, it is a deadly habit. If you do not smoke, do not start. If you do smoke, quit now.

And here are a few other things I can let you know now, you can prevent later:
Sun burns skin – wear sunblock
Fast Food burgers – not good for your cholesterol
Clean hands – less germs spread
Reality TV… not very real

Now you know.

Cancer Does Not Discriminate


Back in 1989, as I walked through the hallway of the 9th floor at St. Luke’s Hospital for the first time as a cancer patient, the first lesson I learned was that cancer does not discriminate. Whereas early in my childhood, and mainly because of stereotypes that cancer created, it seemed that only certain people were diagnosed, and died from cancer.

Within minutes, I would see the widest of ranges in age of patients, from as young as two, to patients in their eighties. I saw men and women, people of all ethnicities. I would be willing to be also, that it did not matter if you were a good person or a bad person. Short and tall, rich and poor. It did not matter.

It was after those first steps on the cancer floor, that I had it in my mind I was going to be my cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. But it also became a moment that would change my thought process. After seeing the various patients, and in their various states, from that moment on I no longer gave myself the opportunity to feel sorry for myself, to allow myself to feel or acknoledge any pain or discomfort, physical or emotional. Someone was always going to have it worse than me. My situation was going to be temporary. This was thinking was going to be an issue for the rest of my life, and it is, often in a horrible way.

You see, no matter what the pain or discomfort, it does not take away from the reality, that it is real. Your pain, my discomfort, someone else’s ail, they are all real, and all deserve the proper attention. Yet while for the most part, I appreciate being able to be referred to as a long term cancer survivor. But at the same time, my heart mourns for Jennifer (see Jennifer’s Story on this blog page), and now my heart completely mourns for Michael. My thoughts begin to be dominated by a three year old neighbor battling a cancer that just a few years ago, took my stepsister’s life with her second battle having survived the first time for more than 30 years. I worry about my dad who just turned 70 as he worries about his cancer surviving.

Cancer does not discriminate. And even if it did, I do not know if that would help to make sense as to the “why” it has to happen. All I know is that it hurts. Every time I must say goodbye who has come into my life, it hurts. That is why I participate in fundraisers like the Relay For Life, Light The Night, breast cancer walks. Money cannot be the reason that we continue to lose someone. We need to find the cures, for all cancers, and then prevention.

Turning Things Around


As a rule, I am generally a positive person. I have to be. It would be too easy just to be swallowed up by all the negativity in the world whether it be the news on the television, co-workers, or even family and friends. The “deck” has been stacked against me my entire life, but I always found a way to get through whatever challenge was thrown my way. No matter the challenges, being bullied in school, cancer, heart surgery, and now in the later stages of my second divorce, I am always able to find my way through, “rise up from the ashes like a Phoenix”.

At the age of 48, it is time to stop living challenge to challenge. I have always had strong faith in a supreme being (I am respectful to all religions which is why I worded it that way) so that has never been an issue. Physically, as the school bullies found out, I can take a pretty good beating. However, emotionally, it has always been a struggle of the old “one step forward, two steps back.” I would get so far through one crisis just to realize that another crisis had been lying in wait. But, as always, I was positive I was going to get through anything thrown at me. I am ready now to take two steps forward, and push back against anything thrown at me.

As I recovered from my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, having gained over fifty pounds from the chemotherapy, it was positive thinking and commitment that helped me to get back into physical condition, drop the excess weight. I had done it. But just that quickly, as always, was another set back.

My recovery from emergency heart surgery was no different, just more cautious. But as time went on, again, there were factors standing in line against me. It was discovered that late developing side effects were now coming to the front of my physical condition. And as I have done every time, I have taken them on head on. But over recent years, it has required the help of prescription medications, meaning, it has not resolved my problems, just hidden them. But that is going to be my next post. Right now, I am so pumped up because I think I have finally found the right direction to stay several steps ahead of negativity and finally talk the talk, and walk the walk.

To have a positive outcome, I have had to surround myself with the most positive and supportive people, professional, family, and friends. It sounds simple. I had heard through my life “you can do it” or “hang in there.” That is not good enough. Positive support and reinforcement means just that, constant, all in. Unlike my recovery from my cancer and heart surgery, I am surrounded by people who genuinely want to see me live a life, free from all the forces that try to stand in my way.

I have struck gold in a dietician who has told me, “I’m not going to give up on you”. Evidently something that I said sparked that response. I have gone through three other dieticians to get a grip on my finicky and poor diet choices. And I am heading in the right direction no longer struggling to try new foods, and also eat healthy. I am being encouraged very strongly, with plenty of incentive, to exercise. Yes, the incentive of a healthy body should be good enough, but there are so many wonderful things that are waiting for me. I have been exercising regularly and it is beginning to show. Finally, the emotional part of this journey, dealing with the stress that often comes along with the trials, but also contributes to their effects. I strongly believe that a lot of the medications that I was placed on following my heart surgery were due to the stress I have been under.

A challenge has been issued to me within the next 30 days. It is a realistic goal to me. I can reach this because I am surrounded by people who want to see me succeed. This time, I really want to turn things around.

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