Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Still Grieving For A Friend


A few months ago, my long time canine pal Pollo had to be euthanized. He was a fourteen year old Golden Retriever that had been a faithful companion to everyone not only living in the household, but friend to anyone who entered the door. I am extremely grateful for the years that I got to spend with him and his unconditional commitment. I definitely appreciate the length of time that I had with Pollo, quite uncommon for Goldens, especially one that came from a puppy mill.

Memories of Pollo still exist all over our house and beyond. There is still his cage that he slept in. Every night he willingly went into the cage because the closeness of the sides of the cage helped him feel safe and snug. His feed bowl and water bowl are still in the corner of the kitchen. His food bin and toy bin are still full. Last week I noticed his rope chew toy behind a piece of furniture, and I was not able to remove it.

I have pictures of Pollo to remind me of his healthier days. And recent snow storms with massive snowfall totals quickly reminded me of all the winter memories of him enjoying the snow. I used to love how I could let him outside with an approaching snowstorm, and he would look up in the sky, and start smelling it, snow. When he would come back into the house, he would stay by the back door, to make sure he was ready for when the first snow flake would fall. You see, Pollo suffered from what I called “snow deafness”. Once outside with snow falling or on the ground, he would not even hear a dog whistle.

He loved to roll in the snow, run through the snow, and would even route through the snow like a pig. And playing fetch with snowballs, pure comedy as he would look all over for where the snowballs ended up. He enjoyed having snow shoveled on him, as long as it was the powder variety. Yes, I have so many memories of Pollo, and they are still fresh in my mind.

Prior to his passing, my daughters often talked of wanting another dog. Madison would actually give me the speech that “when Pollo dies we will need another puppy.” As any dog owner will agree, it takes a long time to grieve even for a beloved pet. Which is why I took the stance with my daughter, no more pets for awhile. Not only for our grieving needs, but it would not be fair to a new animal brought into the house while we were still grieving Pollo. Of course, it is a bit more complicated right now, because I am in the middle of a divorce.

Pollo, I miss you so much. This has been an ultimate winter that you truly would have enjoyed. How I wish to have to blow dry the iceballs frozen to your fur and then spend an hour blowdrying your fur. I used to enjoy the snow.

Who Is The Doctor Here?


I will be the first to admit that I have no idea how long it takes to become a doctor or be a doctor. And with the exception of my family practitioner and perhaps a few others especially at major cancer hospitals, I have no problem stating that the majority of doctors have no concept of what it takes to care for a cancer survivor.

Yes, I am very frustrated right now. Over the years I have seen so many cancer survivors go through so much torment trying to convince their doctors that something was wrong, but because of the unusual circumstances of being a long term cancer survivor, and developing late term side effects, understanding our symptoms is not something always easily figured out. Chances most likely going to an emergency room with a cough as a cancer survivor, the patient is probably going to be checked for pulmonary issues only, regardless of the likelihood of congestive heart failure to due either chemotherapy or radiation therapy. Taking preventative steps to reduce the chances of infection due to a compromised immune system may just make the difference between life and death.

Like I said, I have seen so many cancer patients over the years go through so much. Most of our time is spent arguing for our medical advocate to keep looking, that we are not making our symptoms up.

Recently, I gave a couple of residents that very lesson. The patient was in the hospital with a persistant and productive cough. The obvious direction would be something pulmonary related. And probably in many cases that would be what it would end up being. But when you factor in a prior and major heart attack, combined with a recent lobectomy for lung cancer, chemotherapy and radiation, you need to look at every possibility, not just “nickel and dime” the diagnostic process. If there is something major going on, time is too important to waste like that. I argued for the patient to get an echocardiogram only to be told that an EKG had been done, and it should the heart had normal rhythmn. That was not what I was getting at.

On the third day in the hospital for the patient, still dealing with the chronic cough and confirmed fluid build-up in the chest cavity, a new symptom popped up. The patient had a 20 point difference in blood pressure from one arm to the other. While this may happen, the fact that they were recording a reading from the arm which was giving the higher numbers, kept them from realizing that his blood pressure was actually low, just as what originally prompted the emergency room visit. With hemoglobin numbers also borderline low, enough to warrant a transfusion, I had finally had enough of no one paying attention to the possibility of a cardiac issue as the probably cause.

I pulled the patient’s nurse aside, and explained a recent case that was hauntingly similar as far as the onset of symptoms. And I punctuated my concerns with the fact that this other patient had died at a very young age. While doctors originally chased that former patient around for a pulmonary issue, he was dying from a cardiac issue. I did not want to see another patient who was already mirroring the other with symptoms meet the same end. I wanted the patient to get an echocardiogram. With tears streaming down her cheek, she agreed that a cancer patient like this, needed to have the extra surveillance and consulted with the doctor, and it was ordered.

Now this is not going to be a very clean ending, because the echocardiogram did reveal some cardiac issues, issues that need follow-up at the very least. Cardiac symptoms that no one was aware of, and no plans to follow up on in the near future. They were not the cause of his appearance in the emergency room, those causes have yet to be found.

In all my years counseling cancer patients, this is one of the most frustrating things for me to understand, following up on patients and what should be done. I try not to be cynical to those that feel too much is done to diagnose patients, but as this example shows, cutting corners for a diagnosis, left unnoticed could eventually cost this person his life. Blood tests are done before treatments begin to make sure our bodies are strong enough to handle the poisonous toxins and dangerous radiation. If blood counts are too low, treatments are modified or delayed. But why are imaging studies not done when a treatment is known to have possible side effects on a particular body organ. If damage is occurring, would it not be wise to take a moment, study it, and then decide which is the best solution, either to press forward, or look for an alternative? And then of course, what about when treatments are done? Bloodwork is still done even at the first follow-up, but not the imaging studies.

This patient still has a long way to go. But he now has the doctors’ full and undivided attention. Am I pissed off? Absolutely, a young patient never had the chance, and now another is in the fight for his life, and getting the proper diagnostic care should not be this difficult to get.

Change In Pressure


Part of the departure lecture we get when we fly in an airplane goes something like this…

“in the event of a pressure change in the cabin, a mask will drop from the ceiling. Place the straps around your head and secure the mask over your mouth and nose. Make sure to fasten your own mask before securing anyone else’s.”

It makes perfect sense. If you pass out before you get your own mask because you were unselfishly putting the mask on someone else, what good does it do you? But what happens if the person sitting next to you is your spouse or child? Of course your instinct is to place the mask over the face of your loved one first. But the need is still the same, by the time you secure their mask, you will not likely have the opportunity to place the mask on yourself.

Everyday life is like that for me as a cancer survivor. I have needs that must be taken care of due to late term side effects. Of those needs, seeing more than a dozen different specialist at one of the top cancer hospitals in the country, if not the world, Memorial Sloan Kettering. Every year I have dozens of appointments to attend to make sure that my body is still behaving, and usually, I am facing some sort of other drama as well. This drama puts me into a situation of “will I put the mask on myself first or that of my loved one?”

Last year, it was both my ex-wife(before the filing) and my father. She was dealing with something optional, he was dealing with his diagnosis of lung cancer. Several of my appointments had to be cancelled or delayed so that I could tend to those needs. This year is no different, as I am now dealing with just my father’s situation, and it is around the time of year that all my annual surveillance stuff is done. These are important tests, but as my father’s caregiver, I am between a rock and a hard place. Lung cancer is nothing to mess around with, and we have been believing that it has been caught early enough right from the beginning which is why we need to stay on top of it right now. And if that means delaying my appointments a month or so until his case is finally declared in remission, so be it. It is a conscious decision that I am making.

I just hope I never see that mask drop from the ceiling of an airplane.

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