Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “The Heart”

R – E – Spons – I – Bil – I – Ty


Do you see what I did with the title of this post?  I had to take a liberty and stretch it out for the proper number of beats, but it works.  I wonder how the Queen of Soul would have written lyrics to this title instead of her easily recognized hit, “Respect.”

“What I got, baby I have it.

What you got, I don’t want it.

All I’m asking

Is for a little bit of responsibility, when you are out (just a little bit).

Hey baby, when you get home (just a little bit).”

I could probably re-write the song in “parody” to message today’s crisis concerning Covid19.  Emotions are running high, complicated by fatigue, denial, misinformation, and an overall “enough already, this should be gone by now” attitude.  But it is not.  We are currently dealing with Covid19 at its worst levels, with no sign to an end, just a hopeful light at the end of the tunnel with a vaccine.  There is a problem however.  There are four huge holidays dropping on us at the same time; Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, and New Year’s.  This is the time of year that families not only need each other, but should be together.

And yet, as we enter this period, the experts tell us “no.  Don’t do it.”

We find ourselves now, as we did at the beginning of all of this, facing advice and recommendations from medical experts on what we need to do to prevent contracting Covid19, to reduce the spread of Covid19, and to hopefully eliminate the need for drastic measures to deal with any cases of Covid19.

And what did we do back then?  Not all of us, but too many, scoffed at the recommendations.  Using all kinds of excuses from “they changed their minds, they have no idea what they are dealing with” to “my freedom not to follow the recommendations.”  After all, who better to decide what is the right thing to do to live with a major pandemic, health experts who themselves were learning what to do as this was a completely new and unknown virus, or “Joe Sixpack” who believes better to believe in conspiracy theories and immortality.

Responsibility.  This word got tossed around a lot at the beginning of this crisis.  The health experts said it was our personal responsibility to follow CDC recommended guidelines.  Political hacks threw the term “responsibility” a lot more loosely, making it more up to the individual to determine what is right for them to do, and not what the CDC recommended.

I will not spend my time arguing about origin, time frame, blame, none of that.  Because that will not get us through this any quicker.  But, here is the fact, leaving it up to individuals incapable of being responsible has led us to where we are today, now, nine months later.

It was believed and recommended by scientists, you know, the ones who study viruses and outbreaks, that if the majority wore masks (and it was not even based on 100% compliance because by nature, some of us are defiant about anything for no reason), washed our hands, and kept a fair distance, we could be in a spot where this was better managed.  Yes, the sacrifice would take some time, several weeks at least.  But it would work.  We saw it happen with other countries.

We did not stand a chance.  Misinformation, and lack of leadership by example, there was no need for people to follow the recommendations of the professionals.  And so, we continued to “burn” with Covid19, never actually even leaving the first wave, but building up to a level unimaginable for anyone in this modern era for a country as advanced as ours.

But here we are again.  The warnings are stern.  Now more than just masks and distance, we are being told to “stay” away during the holidays.  And just like back in February and March, the misinformation, conspiracy theories, and goading, encouraging people to take a stand, that to give up their holiday with loved ones, is to be better off dead.

Is this where we really are?  That it would be better to get together, possibly contract Covid19, and lose the life of a loved one to Covid19, as a protest to being told not to gather for just this year?

As a cancer survivor, I know all too well, the length of time, taken away from a life, dealing with a health crisis, in my case, eighteen months.  Eighteen months that people would not visit me, spend time with me, and that many times I was physically unable to do things and go places.  This is an advantage I have with patience, as opposed to those who have not had to face this type of adversity.

But remember, in the beginning, the pushback at the thought of smothering the outbreak in the United States, just as we had seen done in other countries.  It was only going to be several weeks, likely no more than two months.  The war cries of the economy cannot handle that kind of restriction, and of course, “don’t take my freedom away,” took all hopes of getting the initial onslaught of Covid19 under control.

Nine months later, our cases are more than ten million more than back in March, and our economy is far from recovered, as we approach more restrictions, going backward from the openings that had occurred.  Please, someone explain to me, how much worse would it have been to do as thought was best in the beginning to control Covid19, than dragging it out all these months, with many months to go, the loss of lives and the struggling of the economy at levels I never would have thought I would see coming from the greatest country in the world.

We are heading into the busiest, and for many, the most important holiday season.  And it has gotten so bad, experts are telling us not to travel and visit homes for any of the holidays, stop the spread.

If you have someone in the family of older age, some think, “this could be their last…”.  There literally are any number of reasons, besides Covid19 fatigue, that we want, no, need to see our families.  And the driving factor could very well be, “their last opportunity.”  But the reality is, what is it worth to get through the holiday, only to contract Covid19, and die because of that gathering?  How many famous people have we seen, reach such a ripe age, only to be taken out by Covid19?

Trust me, I get it.  It is no secret, there is travel involved for me to see my daughters.  The above photo, was the last trip they flew before things got really crazy.  Since then, I have had to miss several visits for many reasons, all related to Covid19, whether at the beginning, when we did not know what we know now how to get around life with Covid19.  With all the precautions I take, and my daughters follow, with proper planning, I was able to have visits with them during this time.  I am one of the vulnerable to Covid19 checking off nearly every box of risks.  But, confident in having done everything I can, I believed these visits could be done safely, and they were.  The experts were correct with their recommendations.

But it is the actions of others, that I cannot control.  I know plenty of people who either denied the virus, or ridiculed the precautions.  Many got sick with Covid19, and some died.  Those that have survived the virus, there are still some just shrugging it off as “nothing”, perhaps their pride preventing them from being upfront about their experience with Covid19.  Most of the people I know that have had Covid19 all say the same thing, “you don’t want it.”

Covid19 is taking a lot from all of us, in the form of time.  My daughters being older, I am losing opportunities of their youth, restricted by the virus.  I have to balance risk along with frequency, making the difficult decision to reduce number of visits while our country is still struggling.  But as hard as it is, I cannot control what everyone else does, which means I have to take control and make the decisions on my own.  I am doing all I can that I keep from happening, not being able to see my daughters until well into the next year when they expect Covid19 to abate.

But it is my hope, with a new president, and a new attitude among the health agencies, that the messages and warnings that I have respected as the right and safe thing to do, will convince many others, we have the power to help things get better, even if just wearing a mask.  And wearing a mask does not take away your freedom.  I still have my freedom and my life.  The only ones who lose their freedom, are the ones that die from Covid19.

It boils down to responsibility.  The prior administration, and some states governors, say it is up to individual’s responsibility to do what is necessary.  And so far, that has failed, in the form of over 265,000 dead Americans and nearly 13 million Covid cases in the United States alone.

What does responsibility mean to you?

Twice The Frustration


Over thirty years of cancer survivorship, I never thought I would see the days, of better diagnostics, treatments, and extended survivorship.  I definitely did not expect to survive this long.  I wanted to.  I just did not think it was possible.  Yet, here I am, witness to progress over three decades.  I am able to look back at the progress from those who were treated before me and the barbaric methods used to treat their Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  And as I see the many social media pages, I am amazed at the progress made in just the short time since I was treated.  Being a witness to this progress has been the backbone to my direction as an advocate.

If I had to describe myself from the advocate point of view, it would be a combination of Patrick Swayze from Roadhouse and his “never quit” fight to the death determination, and the proverbial “bull in a china shop”, not worried about the aftermath.  As long as my advocacy effort was successful.  One aspect was missing for a long time, because I never needed to worry about it.  Someone else always took care of that for me.

A moral compass, or a voice of reason.  I had a couple of those people in my life, in my early survivorship, that provided me guidance when it would ever get called into question.  But as issues with my survivorship worsened, the dials of my advocacy efforts dialed up as the need for advocacy in survivorship became even more evident.

Two posts that I read yesterday, frustrated me, horribly.  And as an advocate, it cannot be handled like the bull or Swayze.  It needs to be handled with the third characteristic, the voice of reason.  To be honest, even once things started sinking in for me the path I was on, I am still a bit uncomfortable with being looked at as a “voice of reason,” rational.  But the truth is, I have been there.  I have done that.  I have seen the progress.  I have seen the success.  For thirty years.

The two stories were all too familiar.  I see them many times throughout the year, even on the same pages.

This is the truth.  Chemotherapy and radiationtherapy are difficult, and for the most part, toxic.  But, they are scientifically proven as treatments to either extend life, maintain quality, or put a patient into remission (also considered “cured”).  With today’s awareness, people want “healthier” ways to deal with cancer.  I get it.  I have written extensively over the years about the side effects, short term and long term of these treatments.  And in the case of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, there is a huge success ratio, not to mention the progress made in diagnosis and treating with these modes of treatments.  But they are still dangerous.

I saw the post come up, looking for alternative options.  The first thing I have to do before I respond, is research the writer.  I take it upon myself, to determine if this is someone legitimately looking for an alternative perhaps because nothing has worked.  Or is it someone who just wants to take a less toxic approach?  Or worse, is it a “troll” just trying to stir up controversy on what is normally a very helpful website?

To be clear, I am 100% an advocate for going the scientifically proven method supported by decades of research by various institutions.  That said, I do support “complimentary” methods, as long as they are approved by the oncologist.  But wait, what is the difference between “complimentary” and “alternative”?  There is a difference, though both supplements are the same.  Complimentary works along with the chemo and radiation, if the oncologist feels that it will not compromise the treatment plan.  But alternative is actually replacing the scientifically proven treatments with something, that while healthy, does not have the success that modern medicine provides.

And to make matters worse, even though those alternative methods may provide some relief and the confidence that it is working to cure the cancer, it is more likely than not, that is it not curing the cancer, just boosting the other systems of the body.  That bad thing about this, and the most important thing about Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, is timing.  The success rate for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is at its best when it is caught and dealt with early, and quickly.  Going the alternative route first, wastes that valuable time.

Is there a place for alternative medicine?  I am sure there is.  But it needs to be studied more extensively than it has been, and it must be supported by the doctor you trust to cure you of this awful disease.  Until then, it is always my position, do the scientifically proven treatments, and if able and desired, complimentary additions.

The other post, refers to the lack of a protocol, that I cannot believe is still not widespread, no, 100% being used in treating Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  And the truth is, this protocol should also have an impact on those being treated for breast cancer with this particular drug.  I have written many times about the drug, and the ability to monitor the side effects caused by this particular drug.  And many institutions do use the protocol, while sadly others still do not, either because they do not know, or do not believe it is financially worth while, which that one pisses me off, because it can make a difference.

Two of those prior articles if you search the archives are called, “A Call For A New Protocol” and “If My Survivorship Will Mean Anything.”  Those posts will go into the full details of an interview that I completed with a scientist who researched how to diagnose potential damage, if caused by one of the chemotherapy drugs for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and now breast cancer, Adriamycin, something we survivors refer to as the “red devil.”  It is one of the most powerful and successful ingredients in the chemo cocktail.  And sadly, for about 5% of the patients, it can cause issues with the heart.  And unless a patient brings awareness of any issues like shortness of breath or pain, up until recently, the damage, if any, caused by this drug, went unnoticed until it was too late, and extreme.

But as the story I mentioned above, this scientist discovered a technology that could determine if the heart was being damaged by the drug, as early as the first dose, not waiting until the end of the 12th dose.  I cannot encourage you enough to check out those prior posts.

Across the country, I know this protocol is now being followed by many oncologists.  Sure, this echo is expensive after every dose.  But do you know what you cannot put a price on?  A human life saved.  At first signal that damage is occurring, the oncologist has options available to change either dose or the drug regimen itself.

Yet sadly, either because of money or the lack of awareness, still so many do not know of this valuable tool that does make a difference.

When the author of the post wrote about her symptoms, related to shortness of or difficulty breathing, it only makes sense to gravitate to the obvious source, the lungs.  And it is likely that another drug in the cocktail, does have the capacity to affect the lungs, called Bleomycin.  But the truth is, the heart also affects the breathing, and in spite of being aware of the potential for heart issues because of Adriamycin, attention to the heart is not recognized as quickly as it should.

In both cases, I urged the need for them to advocate for themselves, to chose the treatments that are proven to work, to ask the questions that do not make sense, but someone else’s experience proves otherwise.  And casting aside the attributes of the bull or Swayze, I chose the directions of the moral compass, the voice of reason.  Dr. Banner instead of the Incredible Hulk.

That’s right.  That’s me with the Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno.

A Smile That Will Last Forever – A Tribute To Julie


Over the years, you have seen tributes that have been written for fellow cancer survivors, that had come into my life in one form or another, and had always had an impact on me with their attitudes towards life and survivorship, and sadly, pass away.  Unfortunately, for many of my fellow Hodgkin’s survivors, while we beat our cancer, it left us fighting for our lives against side effects caused by the treatments that saved us.  Julie passed away last week.  And as much as I knew about her, there are those who had even greater interactions and support with her, and found an even more eloquent way to pay tribute to Julie.
I have asked one of those fellow survivors, Gail, to put her words, here, for all to see the true impact that Julie had on all of us when she came into our lives.  Gail is a wife and mother, and a three-time cancer survivor, one of those cancers being Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, just like me, just like Julie.
Here is Gail’s tribute to Julie.
“There is a great relief and joy that comes when you find a group of people that understand you. Especially when it comes to health challenges.
Such is the case for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma family particularly those treated with the same radiation and other therapies I was years ago. We are all now experiencing the same or similar repercussions. And even if we don’t have the same exact repercussions we know what it feels like to hear that you have been diagnosed with another one. (We find similar repercussions with people treated from 1960’s-90’s)
You bond with these people, go to doctors with them (albeit by way of text or messaging or reading a post after they are done), you get the fatigue they live with, the frustration they feel, the anxiety over health care issues and so so much more. They become family.
The hard part of this is the reality we all face. That death may find us long before it should because of those same repercussions.
Yesterday I lost my best and closest Hodgkin’s lymphoma sister, Julie Henderson. We called each other Wonder Twins. We laughed about punching doctors in the throat and kept each other going through the last 4 years of political craziness with laughter. Julie was the most giving person and also my biggest limoncello supplier (she taught Italian and knew where to find the best!!).
It has taken me all day to sit and put this in to words but I needed to. The reality is she isn’t the first person we’ve lost in our community of survivors…she won’t be the last sadly.
She shouldn’t have died because she had treatment in 1986 for Hodgkin’s…but she did.
Love you Wonder Twin. Give RBG a huge hug for me. ❤️💔💜

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