Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “The Heart”

24 Dec 2020

For Some, It Will Take More Than Just Getting Through The Holidays


There will be so many this year, who are struggling not just financially or physically with the holidays this year, but emotionally.  For some, it will be about loss.  For some, it is dealing with a crisis of the unknown.  This situation can be something that we have all experienced at one time or another in our lives, but is amplified this time of year.

I am one of those who has struggled through this season, his entire adult life, and most of his teenage years.  I was fourteen when I experienced the greatest amount of loss during the holidays, three relatives (between both sides of the family), between Christmas and New Years.

And then, there was 1988, when I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, right at the beginning of the holiday season.  To complicate that further, being a Christian, my faith had been put to an extreme test, because the one place that I needed most at that time, I was turned away, because there was no time for me because of the busy time of year in the church.

In the thirty years since, it would be easier to list the years that I did not struggle during this season, because I could do it on one hand.

I am not the only one who has a hard time this time of year.  Every year, chances are there is someone in our life, who has is struggling with a crisis right now, or dealing with a loss for the first time, perhaps even recently.  Struggles and grief are hard enough during the rest of the year, only amplified during the yuletide season.

And then there is 2020.   The extraordinary loss of life, and the disastrous results of the economy are hitting us like never before.  For many of us, we know that is did not have to get this bad.  The reality is, it is this bad.  Loss of jobs, income, an empty spot at the kitchen table, forever.

I have been in the hospital this time of year, both as patient, and as caregiver.  Anyone else who has been in this situation, would agree, we would give anything to not be in that situation, especially during this time of year.

And like many, I have experienced loss during this time of year, getting through the holidays without a loved one, for the first time.

I ask that we all keep those in our thoughts and hearts during this time of year.  By all means, celebrate.  But please remember those who are facing difficulties, or loss for the first time, this season.  Wish good tidings of cheer, but also offer supportive words and gestures to those in need.

That is how we all get through these difficult days.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
23 Dec 2020

Traditions Of Christmas Past


As much angst that overcomes me from November through December, I am still able to find a way to enjoy holidays, and even remember fondly some of my past holidays as well.

Flipping through the television channels, I saw a talk-show host Stephen Colbert interviewing president-elect Joe Biden and his wife.  Being from Pennsylvania, I am more than aware of Biden’s tragic family past.  But at this time, both of the Bidens had huge smiles on their faces.  Joe was clearly telling one of his many “Scranton” tales.

It was about Christmas, and a tradition his family had when he was a child, that also existed in my house.  It did not seem to occur everywhere in Pennsylvania, but seemed more prevalent in a certain area, the northeast of the Commonwealth (Pennsylvania is referred to as a commonwealth, not a state – personally I don’t care about that history).

The Christmas Tree.  In my childhood, just as Biden explained, Santa Claus brought our tree Christmas Eve, to put the presents under.  At least, that was how it was always explained to me.  Biden must have been a problem child, because he explained their delivery of the tree as if it were a sign of being “good” as is the tradition of the “Elf On The Shelf.”  If you were good, you had a tree Christmas morning.

I was not thinking about being good, that was a no-brainer.  Santa just needed to show up with that tree.  It appeared also, that I needed to ask for him to set up the train under the tree each year, if I did not, there was no train.  This routine lasted until I was around ten years old, when the commotion downstairs with the arrival of the tree and Santa woke me up.  I eased my way down the stairway, so as not to get caught, and instead it was them who got caught, my mother and my grandmother.  A quick wave to come downstairs, and I was instructed not to say a word to my sister, all the while not addressing my shock at the discovery something did not exist as I had been led to believe.

In my late twenties, I was in charge of a large youth group at my church, and one of the biggest and most beautiful scenes during this time of year, was Christmas Eve church service.  To add to the wonderful night, the youth group would spend two parts of the day, early in the morning, filling old milk cartons with sand, and then spacing them out among the church property, then returning in the evening to light long-burning candles that often lasted will into the early Christmas morning hours.

This tradition picked up again, this time in my forties, at home.  Our entire neighborhood, of nearly 200 homes, using paper bags, with sand, also lit luminaries on Christmas Eve.  As soon as my daughters were old enough to understand the fun of Christmas, we referred to these as “Santa’s Runway.”

For my daughters, this was our tradition, an actual visit from Santa Claus, until my older daughter discovered “HoHo” (her nickname for Santa), wearing her dad’s shoes.  But each year, my daughters could look out the window, seeing Santa dance on the diving board of our closed swimming pool, and in the morning, wake up to a small present under the Christmas tree in their bedroom, with the rest of the loot downstairs.  I always made sure they left goodies for Santa that he would enjoy.

I am now waiting on the next stage of traditions for my daughters.  There will be college, and with their parents being divorced, they will likely split their break time between their mother and I.

But the next stage, that is going to be fun for sure, will be when my daughters have a family of their own.  A new tradition will begin, either travel for me, or travel for all of them.  And who knows, I may just have the chance to dust off that red suit again.

 

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
22 Dec 2020

Living With Flashbacks


Of the things that I should be able to deal with, when it comes to my survivorship issues, is that of the mind.  Like all of my other issues from when I went through my cancer experience of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, only I, and my doctors are aware that it exists.

When we hear the term “post traumatic stress disorder,” or PTSD, we automatically just assume that the issue is related to either war time, or an act of violence such as the crime of rape, assault, or murder.  It is expected that survivors of these issues would have a lot to deal to resolve what they had witnessed.

The truth is, PTSD actually impacts so many other people and for many other reasons, weather events and other natural disasters, accidents, and major illnesses just to name some.

PTSD is one of the issues I have carried most of my survivorship of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, normally in the form of “survivor’s guilt,” which is just as it is called.  I have written many articles on Survivor’s Guilts here and elsewhere.

Flashbacks, or as I call them “daymares” (like nightmares but while awake), are when a particular situation occurs, that take you back to your crisis or event with vivid life-like reality.  For instance…

In 2008, when I “officially” was recognized as someone dealing with late effect issues from my treatments, courtesy of an emergency double bypass via open heart surgery.  You can catch up on that on “Paul’s Heart” under “CABG – Not Just A Green Leafy Vegetable.”

I had been released from the hospital a week after the surgery.  I had placed myself comfortably on the sofa as I was dealing with quite a bit of pain.  My wife (at the time), had resumed her normal activity of watching her favorite soap opera.

The soap opera was “The Young And The Restless”.  The character was Victoria Newman.  Is was late April of 2008.  Considering I do not watch daytime television, how is that for remembering details?  A current plot, unbeknownst to me, had Newman undergoing open heart surgery, that episode.  I did not know why.  I did not care.

I completely broke down.  My ex (as I refer to her now) looked over at me in disbelief, having never really seen me even shed a tear, now completely a mess.  All I remember was just repeating… “too soon, that was me.  Too soon, that was me.  Too soon, that was me.”

PTSD.  From that point on, I have not been able to watch any kind of plot involving heart surgery.

I have witnessed others go through their own trauma, reliving the episodes in the form of flashbacks.

My first ex-wife was in a horrific head-on car collision, trapped on a two lane highway, no where to escape.  Ever since, often faced with approaching headlights, even from the passenger seat of a car, could escalate her anxiety.

My father, witnessed the horrific accident of my stepmother being hit by a car, crossing the street, witnessing the entire incident from impact, to where she finally landed, sadly around this time of year.  How many times on television do you see movies and tv shows, comedies even, do you see people being hit by cars, buses, and trucks?  Too many, especially for my dad.

A year and a half ago, I had my own brush with a crash, my first in my 37 years of driving.  At one of our busiest intersections during the day, late at night, not so much, I was in a left turn lane.  Across from me, was a car, heading straight, south to be exact.  We both had red lights.  And then, my left arrow appeared, her light clearly still had to be red, or so I thought, as she came accelerating at me, in her 2019 Dodge Charger, head on.  As I was now in the middle of the intersection, I had just a moment to decide my fate of the impact, head-on, or quick turn, and if so, which direction, in the event the other driver might realize what was about to happen and turn also.

I turned hard to my left, while the other driver continued straight at me, as if the driver was “threatening me” or “warning me” as if I had done something wrong.  The other car t-boned me, crushing the passenger side of my car, deploying my airbags.  Other than bumper cars at an amusement park, I had never had a collision, or heard the sickening sounds of a car accident.  I was stunned, but was without serious injury.  My car, proudly reliable at over 200,000 miles, was totaled.

I find that I am okay during daylight hours when I have no choice driving through that intersection, even making that fateful turn.  But it is another story at night.  And I can still see it clear as it happened.

Fortunately, my flashbacks do not require much attention, as much as my other health concerns.  But when they do happen, they are just as serious as when they first occurred.

 

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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