Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Side Effects”

Luck Versus Ignorance


In one of my last posts, I wrote that it was absolutely “worth it,” to have chosen the option to undergo difficult chemotherapy and radiation treatments for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. That post was written in hindsight, because I have had thirty plus years to look back and say, yes it was worth it. At the time, going through the actual treatments, physically, it was not easy. Emotionally, it was just as hard a fight as it was physically.

Making things more difficult, is if you are one of the fortunate ones, to be told, “you are in remission” before you have completed your full set of treatments. It is not hard to understand, that someone would want to bail on any further toxicity. Being a prime example, when I hear, “why do I have to go through the rest of the treatments when I am in remission?”, my answer is simple and never waivers. “You want the best chance of staying in remission. You got there, you want to stay there. Your doctor knows what it takes to do that. Finish the treatments. I should know, I am out over 31 years now. And I don’t think I would have had that chance if I had quit treatments halfway through, just because they said I was “in remission.”

To put it in terms that everyone can understand. When you take an antibiotic for a virus or infection, what does the doctor tell you? Finish the prescription. And why is that? You either feel better or a wound may look better, so perhaps you reason that it may make sense to “save” the rest of the medicine should you ever need it again. No. You finish the entire prescription so that whatever you are dealing with, is gone, for good. In fact, it is likely the medicine is continuing to work some days past the last dose. The same goes for chemotherapy or radiation treatments, you want the cancer gone, for good.

The next flawed thinking, enabled by doctors, is allowing a cancer patient to think, just because you are done with your treatments, that means you are all done with doctors. This gets complicated as survivors strive towards a magical “five year mark,” an imaginary bench mark many entities such as insurance companies and employers use (secretly because it is illegal to discriminate) to consider you “safe” for hire. Mentally for cancer survivors, that five year mark is further proof, we have nothing to worry about with our health. And that can be wrong thinking, very wrong.

Or, you could be lucky, very lucky.

With Hodgkin’s Lymphoma being one of the few cancers with such a high remission rate, that also means there are a lot of survivors. This is where luck versus ignorance collides. I am going to keep this simple so as not to get lost in any weeds. There are roughly 50,000 new cases of Hodgkin’s diagnosed each year. Times that by 30 years (though I was diagnosed 32 years ago), would give you 1.5 million cases of Hodgkins. With a generous estimate of a survival rate around 90% (depending on the type of Hodgkin’s), that would leave roughly 150,000 patients who would not survive what is considered one of the top cancers to treat. That means 1,350,000 survivors, long and short term in theory could exist. If we cut that number in half, 675,000 would be what some refer to as the “long term” survivors, survivors having dealt with a much higher level of toxicity of treatment whether radiation or chemotherapy prior to the turn of the 21st century.

I am involved on several social media pages for cancer survivors, and in one, specific to Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, there are less than 850 members. Like me, each and every one of us has at least one issue, some, like me, many more, related to our treatments. What about the other 674,150 survivors not on our survivor page? Are they lucky enough, not to actually have any late developing issues? Or are they ignorant to what is going on beneath their skin, because they stopped seeing a doctor long ago, not being followed up for potential late developing side effects.

From 1995 until 2008, I always believed I had been one of those lucky 674,150, leading to a totally separate issue that I have dealt with frequently here on “Paul’s Heart,” survivor’s guilt. I knew so many other survivors, yet I was the only one who did not have to deal with any of the issues that they were dealing with. Though I was in remission as of 1989, I used the year 1995, because that is when I was jettisoned from my doctor, no longer needing to be followed up for my Hodgkin’s, and unaware of any potential for late side effects. My “healthy” condition had nothing to do with luck. I was surviving in spite of my ignorance. To be fair, no one told me of the possibilities that could be affecting me, until April of 2008. My ignorance would meet reality, in a hard way. I was actually dying. I was diagnosed with a fatal condition called a “widow maker,” a major blockage of a main artery going to the heart. At age 42, the last thing on my mind was heart disease. And at the time, being 18 years out from my cancer, anything related to that was also far from thought. Ignorance.

But for the first time in my survivorship, I was actually “lucky.” I was referred to two doctors at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center who had spent the majority of their careers, dedicated to survivorship issues of long term cancer survivors. I have documented many of my issues on this blog, all because I had doctors who knew what they were looking for and how to manage them.

But there are obviously too many who do not have this benefit. As I said, less then 850 of us are even aware of this issue. Hundreds of thousands likely go through their lives, scratching their heads at ailments that simply make no sense for someone of their age, conditioning, or health. Organizations such as Hodgkin’s International are finally providing education and support to bring awareness to the needs of Hodgkin’s survivors. There is still so much that needs to be done.

There is still a major concern for the small group of us, and that is having access to the care that understands our situation. Medicine is finally catching up with this need, in the form of survivorship clinics. But for those without access, survivors are at the mercy of primary care doctors or occasionally specialists. Trying to convince “non survivor doctors” that our issues are related to our treatments usually falls on deaf ears, because it is like the “bricklayer telling the engineer what to do.”

It is not just the average doctor that is hesitant, but even many in the survivorship realm. In my thick file of medical records, never once, has any mention ever been put in writing that my health issues are related to my treatments. BUT… every one of my appointments and emergency events, all occurred because of these late issues caused by my treatments. Scientifically, this has been proven. So, why is it not written in my records?

It has been put into my records now, “radiation-induced,” caused by damage from my radiation therapy 32 years ago. Now if only the rest of my fellow survivors could be as fortunate it would make caring for their needs so much easier. For my small group, we know we have the health issues, and most of us are being taught by our fellow survivors how to navigate around the world of medicine to get the help and care we need as our own advocates. It should not be this difficult. Medicine is taking too long to catch up to most of my fellow Hodgkin’s survivors, many in their 4th and 5th decades of survivorship.

I am no longer ignorant of the issues that were not looked for. And I am not lucky, being untouched by late developing side effects. But I am lucky, that I am able to have things taken care of by hands and minds that have learned to deal with our special needs, because they recognize what caused them. But I am not the only one. There are 674,150 others who need this help, who need this recognition, “treatment-induced side effects.”

In 30 years, I have seen the progress in the diagnosis and treatment of Hodgkin’s to see less toxic therapies used with similar or greater success. In 15 years, I have seen newer methods of dealing with our late side effect issues to be used, sparing the extreme risks. And I want to see in my next ten years, all cancer survivors getting the follow up care, and the recognition of the late side effects and their causes, so that once and for all, we can all have the quality of life best possible and deserve.

Is It Worth It? Was It Worth It?


The following is a writing project that I had completed, based on a question asked of me. It was submitted for print, however, since I have heard nothing back on that submission, I am printing the story here.

A question was recently posed to me by a newly diagnosed patient.  Is the treatment for cancer really better than just letting cancer run its course?  In other words, is going through the process of the cure, worse than the cancer?  Of course there are risks that come from the treatments, but it is often the short term side effects that raises the question.

            Being a thirty-one year survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I have not forgotten what it was like to undergo chemotherapy and radiation therapy, having undergone both.  I remember all too well, the nausea, the fatigue, the hair loss, and the loss of control of my life.  The treatments have changed over time, but unfortunately, the unpleasant side effects, physical and mental, are still faced by patients, challenging their will to reach remission.

            Surviving my diagnosis was the only option that I gave myself.  I was twenty-two years old and I had so much in life that I wanted to experience.  There were things that I had planned and hoped for, such as building a family.  I was too young to choose the option of giving up, before treatments had even begun.

            Originally I thought perhaps just putting my thoughts in writing would help me with all of the thoughts that had raced through my mind, just as a source of venting and reflecting.  Little did I know it would lead me to hosting a blog, publishing several articles about survivorship issues, and a once in a lifetime opportunity of having one of my writings published and performed by Broadway cast members for a wonderful program called Visible Ink.

            Learning what really matters in life, the things I can control, and the things that I cannot has been the key to my survival.

            Using my survivorship, I have striven to inspire others to get through their toughest moments, especially from one treatment to the next.  Back when I was first diagnosed, I knew of no one else personally who had faced cancer.  By the time my treatments had ended, four people close to me would face their own diagnosis.  They would tell me, that my battle with Hodgkin’s would be their inspiration as they fought their own battle, as they knew no one else who had gone through cancer, other than me. 

     

            Taking time, I spend time with those close to me, taking trips, travelling, and experiencing activities and cultures literally all over the country and the world.

            Every day since hearing the words “you are in remission,” I value the simple things, clouds, watching cows in a field, and especially hearing my children laugh.

            Living long enough to see both of my daughters graduate from high school, college, get married, have children, some day to be called “grandpop,” are goals that were set many years ago.  And those goals are very close to being reached.  And this is just after thirty-one years so far, with hopefully many more to go…

            Yes, it was ABSOLUTELY worth it!

More Than Frustrated


From November of 1988 to March of 1990, I battled Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. For the most part, I did it alone. I felt isolated, ostrasized, and forgotten. I did without being up to participating in family functions or social events. There was no time or purpose to not focus on anything else other than beating my cancer. I am not bragging about how I got through it, nor am I looking for a medal or a chest to pin it on.

But now, after the same amount of time, I have done what I had to, to get through the Covid19 pandemic. I knew I could respect the mitigation efforts and abide by the recommendations. Again, because of my vulnerabilities, I needed to follow the efforts necessary. Just as I did with my battle with Hodgkin’s, I have been getting through Covid19 without one bitch about it.

We are now at a major crossroad. Having finally gotten a grasp on the pandemic, we are on the cusp of undoing everything that was accomplished. We have a vaccine that while it does not prevent contracting Covid19 or the ability to spread it, it does dramatically reduce the severity of the illness, and also dramatically reduces the number of deaths from Covid19. This is in spite of those who are blanketly “anti-vax”, politically inspired not to get the vaccine, legitimately concerned about the safety of the vaccine, and even those who still believe the virus is a hoax. There are still so many, and after over 600,000 dead Americans, I just do not get how you can deny it anymore.

As viruses do, Covid19 has mutated, to a much more contagious and dangerous strain. The good news is that the vaccine that was discovered seems able to protect people with almost the same level of protection. The results were obvious under the use of Emergency Authorization, we getting under 15,000 new cases per day, but even that was still too high. But considering that we were over 125,000 at one point over 200,000 new cases per day, this is not good news. This is also during a time when our country is “opening up.” We hit those high case numbers as were trying to mitigate, because we could not get enough people to care, and follow the recommendations. With the vaccinations, the numbers have finally decreased.

But this latest variant, is more contagious, and more powerful. And for those who are unvaccinated, all eyes are on us. I was included in that. I remained unvaccinated as I waited for science to catch up with just one simple study, that of immunocompromised patients. I know for a fact, that my body does not respond to vaccines without boosters. Pending the application from Pfizer, there was no protocol for a booster for Covid19. There are plenty of other fellow survivors in a similar situation as I am, they too have opted to wait. Others, have taken their chances and gotten both doses. Some of those have developed anti-bodies, some have no idea. I have made the conscious decision, not to live with the false sense of security. Plus, without the plan of a booster, two doses wasted on me could make a booster ineffective if too much time in between.

Here is the deal. There are more results from the vaccine than normal testing with the amount of people having received it, than would normally be studied. The fact is, the vaccine is safe. And while the beaurocratic process is the only thing that stood in the way of full approval (dealing with licensure), a full approval would at least chip away at one part of the population who has not been vaccinated. But the other notable fact, is that scientists have said, at the time, for the fully vaccinated, boosters were not necessary. Again, that did not address situations like mine.

So, with the exception of the first few months where I pretty much avoided everything public, I have learned to “live” among the Covid19 world. I have my ways of dealing with crowds, and unfortunately, those who feel the need to judge my concerns for my well-being. As an unfortunate meme came across my wall, bragging that they had gone 444 days without following mitigations, and still do not get Covid19, they failed to address the meme with, “but did they know anyone else who was not as lucky?” Chances are pretty good, not likely.

As for me, with the approval of the 3rd dose for the immuno-compromised, I did in fact begin the process. No surprise, it has been confirmed the vaccine did not work at all. I have no antibodies from either the vaccine, nor exposure. Again, I expected this. I am hoping that when I get the second dose, there will be at least a little bump from antibodies, because if not, then a 3rd dose will not necessarily guarantee anything for me. The bottom line, I will still have to take the precautions I have this entire time. Some call it “living in fear”. I call it living smart.

Here we are, the country pretty much back to normal operations, pre-pandemic. Most mitigations no longer in place except where federally allowed or privately owned, yet, still we have too many insisting for their own selfishness, that the mitigations should no longer be in place, some losing their minds to the level of public confrontations. A good portion of the US population has been vaccinated, so we are nowhere near where we need to be for “herd immunity.”

A clear line has been discovered though with the vaccine, and it is a political line, politics over science. With so many refusing to get vaccinated over politics or anti-vaxx stance, it is not hard to see the increasing of cases of the new variant in the US. One glaring fact has been discovered. Over recent weeks, all deaths attributed to Covid19, were all unvaccinated victims. Hospitals again are seeing Covid19 populations explode, but again, in certain areas. One only has to look at the political makeup of a state, and you can guess, and then confirm, where the increase in cases is coming from. Florida, where I reside, is one of those states.

There was a comment made on my last post, which will not get published, as it contains clear false information, but needless to say, the writer disagreed with me, and by me, I mean the facts of agreeing with science and the processes involved.

As I said, we are at a crossroad at this point, and it is clear that the two roads are vaccinated and unvaccinated. And at this point of the pandemic, I am pretty sure we are seeing Charles Darwin’s theory of natural evolution play out. Those who have been vaccinated, will survive, even in the event of Covid19 breakthrough cases and likely variants, simply because we are trusting the process of science. And those who will choose to remain unvaccinated, will either survive natural exposure, or they will not. But the reasons behind the “will not” is what will prove Darwin correct.

I have lost countless acquaintances and friends to Covid19, and so many more having survived their infection. The number of people I am aware of that have not had Covid19 is shrinking, but still includes me. Tragically, I have lost a family member to Covid19. I am frustrated by the continued attempts of some to lessen the severity of this virus, comparing it to others and such, and for that reason, I am not repeating those kook conspiracies, because I believe that the more they get repeated, the more life keeps getting breathed into them.

Like I said, we will get to the end of this pandemic. It is a question now at this point, what will be the total of the unvaccinated who will die because of false beliefs and stances they chose to take, and lost. They are not patriots. They are not following “God’s will.” If you die from Covid19, and the reason you did so was because you chose not to get vaccinated (and I made sure to use the word chose out of respect for those who are unable to get vaccinated due to medical conditions), you are fools.

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