Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

Happy Thanksgiving From Paul’s Heart


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Happy Thanksgiving to everyone following “Paul’s Heart.”  I am thankful for so many things in my life, and this blog is something I am not only proud of for the number of people I have reached, but am so thankful for all the support that has ever been offered.

This officially begins one of the busiest, expensive, stressful, and memorable times of the year.  For some, it is one of the most difficult times of the year to endure.  Many families are struggling financially or have suffered personal loss, and for some, this may be the first year that they are going through this holiday season under those conditions.

Others may be in situations that just seem outright sad, going through holiday struggles year after year.  “Paul’s Heart” had its origin twenty-six years ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I have not had a “typical” Winter holiday season since, ever.  There has always been some sort of crisis, tragedy, or struggle to endure.  But that is what I do, I get through it.  I have to.  I have two beautiful little girls who depend on me, and enjoy the holidays.  They do not know why I have such difficulties with the holiday season.

I am not alone.  Many of my friends here are in a similar situation as me.  They are away from family and celebrating Thanksgiving with friends.  And no matter what the meal will consist of today, we will all make the most of our holiday today, and we are thankful for that.

There are actually meaningful football games to day, unlike years past, where a team just shows up to play on Thanksgiving.  At least four teams playing have playoff implications.  I know where my eyes will be glued tonight.

 

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And then, in the wee hours of the morning, another new Thanksgiving weekend experience for me.

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I will be on an early morning flight to be reunited with my daughters.  This will be our second Thanksgiving since the divorce was filed, but this is the first one that I have been away from them so long.  My mother has made this trip possible for me, and for that I am very thankful.

As we approach the Winter holidays, all I want is for my daughters to know how much I love them, how much I miss them.  And just as my past visits with them, that is all they will be told.  I am keeping everything about the divorce from our conversations.  I know this is not easy for them.  And it would be even worse for them, if they knew how one parent treated the other.  The children love both of us and this season is going to be critical to the children if that love is to survive.  And just like every other holiday season, I do plan to get through it, and hope the next year will finally be the time I get to say “Happy Thanksgiving” without following the phrase with “but…”

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  Girls, Daddy cannot wait to see you tomorrow.  I love you.

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A Theory Of Humanity


I do not usually do movie reviews, but not since “Brian’s Song,” has a movie/biopic moved me such as this film did.  I saw the movie, “The Theory Of Everything” starring Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking, cosmologist, and also a patient dealing with ALS, also known as Lou Gerhrig’s Disease.

Eddie Redmayne

There is no spoiler alert with this post, because everyone knows that Hawking has defied the ALS survival rate by decades.  Originally given only two years to live in his college days, Hawking is now well into his seventies.  I am very well aware of Hawking’s credentials, but it is his life, living with ALS, that gripped me most while watching the film.

Over the summer, a craze went over the internet, called the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” meant to raise awareness as well as money to help find a cure for this awful motor neuron disease, where basically every muscle shuts down, except for one.  The brain remains functional and fully aware of what is happening to the body it is inside but no longer able to act or communicate.  I did not need the challenge to make me aware of ALS.

For the second time in as many years, I was dealing with someone close to me, fighting ALS.  And both would die from it, just a few years from their diagnosis.

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My brother-in-law Mike, pictured here with my daughters, was just diagnosed a few months earlier.  While the progression of the disease is cruel no matter how it occurs, it more often occurs in physical evidence like it did with Hawking, then progressing to the throat and mouth muscles.  It is at this point, when dealing with ALS is more critical, because once you are no longer able to swallow, the ability to receive nourishment is critical.  In my brother-in-law’s case, his ALS first became recognized by a simple slur in his speech.  Thinking perhaps it was from enjoying a favorite vice of his, Jack Daniels, it was not soon before we all realized, it was not.

Mike’s deterioration would accelerate over the next couple of years, much in the way the film depicted Hawking’s struggles.  It became difficult for Mike to grasp, walk, hold his head up, communicate, swallow, and the list goes on.  But throughout his battle, he did his best to continue on, working, taking care of his family, and riding his Harley.  But the disease continued to take everything away from Mike as he lost his physical abilities.  Finally, two years ago, ironically the day following a fundraiser in his honor, my brother-in-law lost his life.

The only other time that I had even heard of ALS before Mike and my co-worker (who passed the year before my brother-in-law) was decades ago, watching a black and white movie, called “Pride Of The Yankees” starting Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig.

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The most touching part of the movie, after the disease, which would eventually be named after him, came when Gehrig announced his retirement, calling himself, the “luckiest man on the face of the Earth,” in the following speech (quoted from Wikipedia):

“Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

“Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I’m lucky. Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball’s greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I’m lucky.

“When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift – that’s something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies — that’s something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter — that’s something. When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can have an education and build your body — it’s a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed – that’s the finest I know.

“So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I’ve got an awful lot to live for.”

Hawking

In the movie, “The Theory of Everything,” Hawking pretty much carried the same attitude as Gerhig, and my brother-in-law, he was not going to let anything stand in his way of proving “Time.”

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Near the conclusion of the movie, Redmayne quotes as Hawking, during a discussion about “giving up” takes place, says, “as long as there is life, there is hope.”

There were many of us in the theatre who probably took that ice bucket challenge, and many may have had no idea just how cruel the disease was except for a few of us.  But after watching this movie, there is no doubt that humanity now understands this rare, cruel, and fatal disease.  Hawking has defied the odds somehow, and is a true inspiration.

I anticipate many Oscars for this movie.

Comic Relief Just When It Is Needed


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“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”  Mark Twain.

With that, I want to introduce you to one of the most “powerful weapons” in the human race, my youngest daughter, Emmalie.

Typically, a biologically born child will have inherited characteristics of either parent.  But with Emmalie (and my oldest daughter Madison) being adopted, any traits that either daughter share with me, are purely coincidence.  Yes, there is what they have learned from me as they have grown.  Prior to the divorce we spent a lot of time together, doing homework, playing games, and my favorite, holding them in my arms when they were younger.  But their personalities were determined long before I had even met either one.

Through the adoption process, one of the things that I had to supply, was an autobiography about myself.  This would cover everything from my hobbies, employment, family history, and such.  Once all of the personal and legal information had been gathered and organized, the paperwork was then sent to the country of China’s Adoption Affairs office where the adoption process would continue through their end.

My dossier would go into a department those of us in the adoption world know as the “matching room.”   Where by some magic, dossiers are compared with profiles of at least ten children, most of them toddlers and babies.  At this point, a child is “matched” up with their parent.  The result is pure magic.

Both of my daughters share many of the characteristics and interests that I possess.  Only one characteristic either daughter have that I do not, but their adoptive mother does have, and that it artistic hands.

But Emmalie possesses one of the most important traits that I have, a sense of humor.  This child is notorious for causing an outburst of laughter at just the right moment.  She is a goofy and quirky little girl.  The smile that follows resembles the young child dinosaur in the 1980’s television show who regularly blurts out “gotta love me.”

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I had taken the girls to see Shrek 3 (all three movies were great and entertaining).  At one point during movie #3, spoiler alert, Fiona’s father dies.  However, prior to his demise, he had been turned into a frog.  And of course the punch-line that followed… here it comes… “he croaked.”  Well of course, everyone the theater had sat in silence at the king’s passing, in spite of the symbolic comment.  Everyone except for Emmalie, who immediately burst out laughing at the joke itself.

But that is who Emmalie is.

It should come as no surprise that during one of the more difficult times in all our lives, that once again, she would provide her patented comic relief.  During one of our recent nightly conversations, her spontaneous humor knocked me off my “chair.”

Emmalie routinely asks me questions that have nothing to do with nothing, and though she claims there was no motivation behind her next question, I actually do believe her to a degree.  The divorce has been difficult for all of us, but my estranged wife and I are doing what we are able to keep the impact on the girls to as minimal as possible.  And though I believe Emmalie felt she was just throwing out one of her zinger questions as me, there is a part of me that knows in my heart, perhaps there was more to her question than she was letting on.

“Daddy.  I have a question.  Are you going to get married?”

Besides the legally obvious situation, that my divorce is yet to be final, marriage is the last thing on my mind, if ever again.  This was my second marriage to have failed, and clearly, the process has left me with no desire to ever share that commitment ever again.

But I am in a relationship again, and so is my estranged wife.  All four of us, seem happy in these new relationships.  So I could not help but wonder, if perhaps my youngest had overheard conversation from my ex and her boyfriend about getting married.  I know I have never brought up marriage.

“No… Emmalie, Daddy is not going to get married.  Why do you ask that?  Is mommy talking about me getting married or is she thinking about it”

“I was just wondering Daddy.  It seems like you are really happy.  And it would only make sense that if you were happy, then you would get married again.”

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If only it were that simple my precious little angel.  But as I thought about her question, I realized that there was more to it than just Emmalie seeing her daddy happy with someone else, or her mother happy with someone else.  Emmalie is more wise than what she realizes, and for those who receive the gift of her wisdom, we are truly blessed.

It has been so long since Emmalie or Madison have seen either of their parents smile.  And now our daughters are seeing bother their father and mother smiling again.  Emmalie has let me know that she is glad to see me smile again.  But the smiles do not have as much to do with what it happen currently, but rather what we were dealing with in recent years, and the effect it had on our girls.

I love you both so much Madison and Emmalie.

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