Paul's Heart

The Importance Of Heritage

In a rare moment for me of just kicking back and relaxing, I put the television on.  As I flipped through the channels I came across National Geographic’s Wild channel.  Programming most of this afternoon is geared towards China and the world that most people are unaware of beyond the smog and politics.

Admittedly, I was not born with this interest in the largest country of the world.  But almost twelve years ago, I had to make up for my lack of interest in learning about China during high school in very short time.  Of course, both of my daughters are adopted from China.  I will leave the back story to other posts that I have written or will write.

I have always made it a point from the moment the decision was made to adopt from China, that my daughters’ heritage would be adopted as well.  I never had any intention of hiding the fact that from appearance, clearly you could see that we were not biologically related.  Although there has been the never-ending joke that my daughters have my eyes at least, making reference to the fact that I do not have what the Asians call the round “round eye” of Caucasians, rather my eyes are more “almond” shaped as is the characteristic of Asians.  Ironically, my elementary school classmates were the first to point out this characteristic to me.

One of the things that impressed me most about the Asian population, is their commitment to traditions, something we as Americans rarely commit to any.  Customs, traditions, expectations, are all just that, expected.  I believe this helps the Chinese people to be such a “peaceful” and more content population.

I have made a promise to both of my daughters, that I will teach them as much as I can about their heritage, their customs, and so much more.  I want them to learn about their language.  I want them to learn about the holidays.  I want them to know where they came from.

The major benefit to me of having adopted children from China, as opposed to many other international programs, is because China required the adoptive parents to travel to adopt the children.  Many other programs bring the children to the United States.  By traveling to China, I got to see first hand, the land, hear the  language, and truly appreciate where both of my daughters have come from.  It will make it a lot easier to teach both of my daughters.

Yes, that is a picture of Madison standing in front of a statue of childhood superhero, Ultraman.

Both of my daughters have come from different areas of the same province.  One came from a more populated area, the other, considered more farming.  It was during this visit, that we got to see the other life that either of our daughters could have ended up with, were it not being for China allowing us to adopt them.

During our second adoption, our guides had informed us that we would be travelling to a village, very similar to where our daughters were from, though not that particular village.  We would stop by a market to buy “gifts” for the children of the village, pretty much toys and candy.  As our bus pulled into the village the bus was mobbed by everyone excited for what they probably knew we were carrying just for them.

This was actually quite overwhelming, because as the following pictures will show, the families here have barely anything.  At moments, we felt as if we were in an ocean, and someone had thrown chum into the ocean bringing on an onslaught of sharks in a feeding frenzy.  All of a sudden larger children were overpowering smaller children for what they had received from us.  New toys ended up broken, candy fell to the ground.  It was actually quite heartbreaking.

Once we were done with this “greeting”, it was off to tour the village.

There were no cars.  Floors were all concrete.  No electric, and no indoor plumbing.  The families here survived by farming, and other than their traditions and customs, this was all they had.  And they seemed content.  It was very humbling for us Westerners to have seen this side of China, and to enable us to explain the appreciation that our children will be taught as we try to explain where they came from and why.

And there have been plenty of blessings from our adoptions as well.  I met nineteen other families who also would become “adopted” by me, as family of our own.  Our children are the only connection they have to China, here in the United States.  And it has been important to everyone to make sure that all the girls and the families have kept in touch with each other.

On a larger scale, I have met dozens of other families who have also adopted from the same orphanages.  For many years we would gather to celebrate the common bond at a different location in the United States.  I have developed many friendships because of this.  But perhaps, one of the biggest surprises would come from one of the families of this particular group.

I have always intended to be able to provide both of my daughters with as much information about their past as I could.  Their finding locations, any foster family they may have had, information about their villages and such.  For my oldest daughter, information was discovered that revealed that she had a crib mate with the foster family that cared for her until we came to China for the adoption.  It turns out that this “crib mate” actually lives in Scotland, the foster family has been confirmed as well as the time period.  Today, we exchange pictures in hopes that one day, the two girls will get to meet.

And that is where I am at right now.  I still have hopes of having my daughters to return to China.  I have promised them this.  And for my oldest, I will do what I can to make sure that she gets to meet the little girl that shared a crib with her for a short while.

In the adoption documentary “Somewhere Between,” the issue of adoption in the later years of a child’s life is dealt with.  Madison had a brief cameo in the movie where she mentioned to one of the lead actresses in the movie, “I am from China too.”  Madison is very proud of her heritage, as is Emmalie, through Madison is a bit more vocal about it.  Which is all the more reason and importance, that the children be taught about the land from where they came from.

Two Parents Or One Parent – There Is Only One Goal

Of all the talks that I used to enjoy with my daughters, it was when I would remind them, how having Mommy and Daddy as their parents, they were lucky because they actually have the best of all worlds with she and I because of our different parenting styles.  I always felt that the girls would be exposed to all the necessities of parenting, having a balance of security and comfort, strictness and friendship, and guidance and experience.  Our goal was, and should still be, what is in the best interest of our children.

Before I continue, I believe that last phrase is important, whether the parents are married, divorced, widowed, never married, or even single parents.  And I want to qualify something, I understand and respect all classifications of parents.  I myself am an adult child of divorce (great movie and cast by the way “A.C.O.D. ”  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1311060/ ).  I know first hand from the child’s perspective what it is like to have only one parent raising a child, or in my mother’s case, children.  And I also have long memories of what it was like for my mother to struggle and the lack of resources available to her.

When we adopted our daughters, we agreed on many things, in spite of our parenting style differences.  We took vows to make sure that our daughters were raised with religious instruction which of course began with their baptisms, and so far, the first Holy Communions.  Up next will be their confirmation.  To us, this was important, because without these things already in place, it would make things difficult for them as adults should they choose to get married with the same religion they were baptized in.  We have always been supportive of our childrens’ teachers and school.  We have always agreed on allowing our daughters to talk to us about anything… ANYTHING.

And in the situation of single parenting, I am certain that the belief in doing the best for children is the same priority.  And while I may not give enough credit in the following statement:  “single parenting is often quite difficult”, I do not mean it to understate that or patronize it.  Unlike having two parents raising a child, where when one falls ill, or is unavailable, at least there is someone else to fall back on.  But in a single parent situation, that parent is in a “do what has to be done” position without giving any thought to it.

But the thing that remains constant throughout all situations of parenting, EVERY parent wants what is best for their children.  The single parent makes sure that all doctor and dental appointments are made and kept, all homework is completed and grades are kept up, help the child get through puberty, and prepare for adulthood.

The situation is made more stressful in the event of a parent who has passed away for whatever the reason.  That parent must deal with the grief from the loss of their spouse, best friend, partner.  But that surviving parent must also deal with, and recognize the needs of the children dealing with their loss and grief as well, along with all the other things involved with growing up.

Divorce is much more complicated in protecting the children.  Care must be given to never allow the children to feel that they are the cause of a divorce.  The divorce is between the husband and the wife, not between the parents and the children.  In the end, the man and woman will no longer be married, but the father and mother will always be their parents.  And just as dealing with loss and grief are an issue for the widow(er)ed parent, there is also a loss and grief that is experienced with divorce when it comes to dealing with children.  There are swells of emotions between the parents as they struggle to come to a dissolution of their marriage, all the while, protecting their children.  And then of course, there are the concerns, emotions, and actions of the children as they deal with only having two parents, in two separate locations.

And for some, divorces involving adopted children stirs up a much stronger emotion.  And while I understand the emotions involved, as long as both parents remain just that, parents, then the emotions are misguided.  Some belief that an adoptive child involved in the divorce of their child in a sense is going through another form of abandonment.  Of course, making reference to the initial adoption that occurred when a biological parent made the painful decision to place the child with a parent or parents who would be able to provide a better life.  Abandonment is such an ugly word, and I think if you talk to many older adoptive children, even those who are grown now, find that word offensive.

But to those who find it horrible, that adoptive parents would divorce, and I am in no way referencing my situation, because it “creates a trauma of abandonment” for a second time in that child’s life, I offer this.  And again, I am not stating this is the case of my divorce, but regardless of the reasons that a divorce was filed, having a child or children living in an environment where tension, resentment, anger, alienation are a daily occurrence, well, to quote Dr. Phil McGraw, “it is better for a child to live with a broken home, than it is to live in one.”

But just as a single parent does daily, parents who divorce, or couples that separate, the priority is the same, keeping what is in the best interest of the child as the focus.  The divorce or separation is of the coupling, not of the parenting.  The priority of making sure that every sniffle, ache or pain, cavity, puberty issue is addressed does not change.  The child still needs to have an education and both parents need to support and make sure that struggles as well as accomplishments are recognized.  Hobbies and interests need to continue to be encouraged and supported by both parents.  This is called co-parenting.

And the irony of co-parenting is this.  Is it possible that had co-parenting been the main focus of the relationship (marriage or just coupled), would the break-up ever occurred?  Seriously, a break-up does not occur because of the children, and the children should never be made to feel that way.  But in making the future of the children the priority, and concentrating on that goal, would it be possible that perhaps the outcomes of the issues leading to the separations would have been handled differently, and yes, cause and effect, perhaps the dissolution may not have happened.  Unfortunately, that is something that will never be known.  It will just be an “a-ha” moment.  But clearly, if you have children in your family unit, any issue whether it be financial, medical, or whatever, not only affects the parents, but also affects the children, and nearly everyone forgets that.

For those who have never been in a situation of a family break-up personally, and “knowing a family” having gone through a break-up is not the same at all, it is difficult to understand all the emotions and struggles that have gone into the decision to end a relationship that involves children.  In many cases, it is complicated further, if the couple managed to keep all their struggles within the four walls of their home, leading to the shock of the announcement.  And of course, follows with massive amounts of unjustified judgment and alienation, all under the guise of what is considered “best for the children.”  The only flaw with that thinking, is when both parents in that situation, remain in both their children’s lives, that means that those outside the immediate family unit, to remain in the children’s lives, who have done nothing to deserve any different from those outside the immediate family unit, will still be dealing with both parents.

I have seen all kinds of situations in my lifetime involving couples and spouses who have ended their relationships.  And combined with my own situation of having been the child of a divorced family, I am especially sensitive to the needs of my daughters and am now driven by my co-parenting responsibilities.  Regardless of the distance, I am still involved in my daughters’ medical care, education, interests, and achievements.  We have had to become creative in many circumstances in this effort.  I have seen successful splits and co-parenting, and I have also witnessed circumstances where legal requirements prevent successful co-parenting that the two parents cannot even be in the same room with each other.  I have also witnessed parents forced to deal with each other under the direst of situations, either in an extreme medical crisis or worse, death.  And it should not take moments like this to bring two parents together to co-parent.

Just as I had no experience as a parent, no experience with adoption, no experience with cancer or the many medical issues I deal with, I can only go by instincts and what I have observed.  To do this, means I have to keep an open mind to comments, whether complimentary or critical.  Because one thing I think all will agree, children deserve the best opportunities, regardless of the situations.