Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

A Survivor – A Living Metaphor


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I think it is safe to say, no one, who has ever had to battle cancer, wants to have their life defined by cancer.  But the reality is, and doctors need to be more up front about this, cancer will always  be a part of our lives when it does happen.  But it is how you live your life in spite of cancer that makes the difference.

Sure, initially I spent my early days of remission worrying daily about the return of my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  And as time went by, the worrying faded.  Days became weeks, weeks became months, and then years.  But the fear of recurrence faded as the time went on.  Unfortunately, like many others who are in their decades of survivorship, we have had to face quite a bit more challenges in our survival, due to the late developing side effects from the highly toxic and destructive dosages of radiation and chemotherapies.

And with everything I have had to deal with health wise, I still do not live in the fear of my cancer, or its effects.  Quite the contrary.  I take what I have learned in my survival, and apply those lessons to anything negative or challenging in real life.

The Diagnosis

We are given the bad news, the challenge that we must face.  It is going to be difficult.  Statistics will not likely be on our side.  But from the moment we face the “cancer”, we must do all we can to not let that “cancer” beat us.  And I am not talking in the physical sense of loss, but the spiritual.  We cannot let any “cancer” take away who we really are.

The Prognosis

So, is it going to beat you?  Or are you going to do everything you can to get through it?  You know it will not be easy.  As the saying goes, “quitters never win, and winners never lose.”

The Team

Surround yourself with experts that know how to help you get through the ordeal.  Accept support from those that care.  Ignore those who think only negative or that it cannot be done.

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The Treatment Plan

The next days, weeks, months, and in many cases, years may not be easy.  You may have a good day, and the next two or three days may be horrible.  This cycle will go back and forth the entire duration.  But as you get through the bad times, you not only become tougher, but you realize that you actually can endure.  You start to look to the future as a realistic goal.  Survivorship is at hand.

The Fight Concludes

It is done.  You have made it.  It was not easy.  There may have been times that you felt like giving up.  But it was not in you.  The truth is, it never has been in you.  And once you have the taste of what it takes to survive one fight, you know that you have what it takes to survive the next one, and the next one.  And every day, you know that what you are fighting for is worth it.

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Celebrating Someone Else’s Milestone


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It is funny, having a conversation with my “tweenage” daughter just a few days ago, and then confirming it yesterday, turning 13 years of age, there was no magical transformation.  She was still going to be my “Ting Ting”, a nickname along with a few others that I call her at times.  She was not going to possess any super powers other than the charm she already possesses.  There were not going to be any new special privileges given to her.  So after wishing happy birthday to her, I asked her if she felt any different officially being a teenager.  She said, “no.”

But what Madison fails to realize, is that her turning 13 years old is really a big deal.  She may not realize it, but as her father, I certainly do.  She may be turning her attention to her next milestone, allowing her to be eligible to drive, but as she looks to the future, I am looking at the past.  Madison turning 13 is really a big deal.  It is certainly a big deal to me.

Unable to have biological children due to my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lympoma, it was an opportunity by the country of China to allow what no one else was willing to give a cancer survivor, a chance at adoption.  My cancer survivorship was no issue for Madison or her sister, who was adopted a couple of years later.

But my daughter’s birthday is also reminding me of another issue concerning my health.  In 2008, I officially became a cancer survivor dealing with a lot of serious, permanent, and progressive health problems.  And as my health was turned over to one of the top hospitals in the country for cancer and survivorship, I met the doctor who would spearhead my survival with one goal in mind.  And I quote the words I will never forget from Dr. O.,

“I can’t stop the things that are happening to your body.  I can’t reverse the damage that has been done.  But what I can do, is slow the process down.  I want to make sure that you not only see your daughters graduate high school, but college, maybe if they get married.  But I want to help you see your grandchildren.”

It seemed like an odd conversation at the time.  After all, my oldest was only around 5 years old.  But I had just survived a near fatal heart episode, and with awareness, and surveillance, and history not on a survivor’s side when they do not receive the proper medical attention, I knew that Dr. O. meant what he said.  He wants to make sure that I see my daughters grow well into adulthood.

I am not worried that my oldest turning 13, means that a clock is running out for me.  Quite the contrary, Dr. O. is in fact doing everything he can to make sure that my health stays solid enough to see the ultimate milestone for me.  But in the eight years since, while it has not been easy getting to see Madison’s special birthday, I know that I am doing all that I can, and Dr. O. is doing all he can as well as everyone else involved in my care to make sure that I continue to see more birthdays ahead for both of my daughters.

Call It Like It Is – That Is All I Ask


I am a little bit frustrated today by a couple of things.  The day actually started out pretty good, just wanting a trim for my ever-growing long hair.  You see, I decided to let it grow, because one of the only things that I can donate since my body is “damaged” from chemotherapy and radiation therapy, is my hair.  While there many my age who would even love to have 1/4 the coverage that I currently have at our age, I am even more thrilled that it is less than 5% gray, my natural color.  So, I had no doubt, there would be much interest in my hair.

Now after carefully considering organizations to donate my hair through, because there are some that either do not donate all the hair donated, or worse, charge cancer patients who need the wigs that are made, I visited a salon who was connected to the organization that I had selected.

Then I received the news.  My hair, which is currently at its longest length prior to my cancer days, was not near long enough.  Now I know, it is natural to think a woman’s desire in length would require a longer donation, but I would have thought my length, which is now past my shoulders would have been more than enough for a young child or man.  Another five inches of length is required.

While some may consider my hair length “rock star” length, or “cousin It”, I have enjoyed the length in the back because it covers permanent damage from radiation therapy.  Alas, even I do not think I can last another five inches of length at this point.  So while I am waiting to get my hair “trimmed” a couple of inches to a more manageable length, I read an article across my Facebook feed from back in my home state of Pennsylvania, leading to my second frustration of the day.

The web site “Thedailychronic.net” headline read, “Pennsylvania Medical Marijuana Blocked by Rep. Matt Baker”.  Of course, my blood immediately begins to boil, because I am a huge supporter of medicinal marijuana for patients.  There was a push for approval in Florida last year that just fell short, and the push has begun again this year.  There is hopes that a compassionate bill to help chronically and terminally ill patients find relief from the pains and discomforts they face every day.

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Senate Bill #3 passed the PA house overwhelmingly 149-43 making the medicinal use of marijuana legal in the state of Pennsylvania.  It was not happen if one Representative Matt Baker had his way threatening to not allow his committee to take up the Senate’s bill, EVER!  The PA Senate previously approved the bill 40-7.  And polling among Pennsylvanians showed well over 85% support of this tightly written proposal, Baker was simply against it.

Looking at Baker’s campaign contributions, you will see many, a lot, numerous, several, too many contributions from Big Pharm.  The same companies that make the expensive, addictive, and sometimes lethal painkillers and anxiety medicines which many patients cannot even afford.

Call it like it is.  Big Pharm loses out big time on profits if medicinal marijuana is approved because it will be less costly.  It certainly is not addictive and to my knowledge, has never killed anyone.  Not like the many opioids and antidepressants (you know, the ones that tell you flat out in their disclaimers with side effects “may cause thoughts of suicide” to name just one) that have resulted in the deaths of so many.

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According to Thedailychronic.net, Baker received over $37,000 in campaign contributions from Big Pharm manufacturers, pharmacies, and drug wholesalers.  You cannot tell me that those contributions will not carry more power than the compassionate concerns of the people.

Fortunately, it looks like this bill will finally get to Governor Tom Wolf for his promised signature.  Finally patients in the state of Pennsylvania will finally have another method of relief from chronic and terminal illnesses such as Cancer, HIV/AIDS, ALS, Parkinson’s, MS, epilepsy, Hungtington’s, Chrone’s, PTSD, seizures, sickle cell, autism, and of course chronic and severe pain.  Pennsylvania will hopefully be the next state to join others in making compassion a priority to its residents.

And Mr. Baker, if you wish change my opinion to convince me otherwise that you care about what patients go through, perhaps in your photo gallery, you might post other photos besides opportunities with a whole bunch of suits.  Try showing you care by being photographed with a constituent you want to deny relief to.  But all I see is the money you would be concerned about not getting for your re-election because your contributors are more concerned about losing profits.

Florida, you are up next.

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