Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Adoption”

26 Jun 2021

Trying To Outrun The Inevitable


I was asked not too long ago, “when did you know that you wanted to be a Dad?” And when I answered “right after graduation,” it was not because I was looking to go out an populate the world right away. Rather, I had been so hurt by my father at that point, I wanted to prove to myself, that I would not make the choices that he did. I would be there for my children. I would be the father that I wanted, needed to have.

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma took that opportunity away from me. However, through adoptions, I was given that chance back again. And regardless that my marriage ended in divorce, that did not mean that my role as a father would cease either. In fact, I faced a similar crossroad that my father faced, when it came to his children. But I chose the other path.

As I often state, I will not go into details of my divorce, but the one thing that has been constant in the eight years since? I made the choice to stay involved with my daughters. Certainly it has not been perfect, or ideal, but I have done all that I can to make it work. Hell, even a pandemic could not stop me.

So, having followed through on my self-promise, as a father, and managing the multitude of health issues from the late developing side effects from the treatments of my Hodgkin’s, I have arrived at an even bigger stage of life, my daughters having grown up, and becoming women of their own selves.

All parents go through it, their “babies” growing up. So this is not something unique upon me.

My emergency open heart surgery, was the first time that I had been separated from my daughters, ever! It was the longest week of my life, with the night before the surgery, the most difficult, because prior, I was just supposed to have a simple catheterization to correct the problem, so my goodbye to my daughters was nothing more than a “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” But that next afternoon, turned into a “life and death,” a very risky surgery, something that I might not survive. All I wanted was to hold my daughters one more time.

Obviously I survived, but divorce would soon lead to time apart via custody agreements. But with the help of technology, Facetime, texting, and other media, I was at least able to make daily contact with them. But for my daughters, with the exception of an overnight visit with a friend, they have never been apart from each other.

A friend of mine warned me a long time ago, of the time coming, as his daughters got older, they would ask for moments when he was scheduled to spend time with them, that one or even both, might have either plans, of course to a teenager, they would be important to them. That would result in his visit with perhaps only one of his daughters, or both, or even perhaps none. I could tell it was hard on him. I would dread that time coming, and resist it as best as I could.

I do not know what I did that was different from my friend, but I managed to spend every available moment with both my daughters. But with one daughter now eighteen, she is now able to express her own decisions, and yes, now I am at yet another crossroad, and this one is not up to me to decide. All I can do is hope that I had enough of an influence, that decisions that affect both of us, will keep our relationship in mind.

While the term “empty nest” does not really apply here, because that would imply no children at home any more. I have many friends who have already experienced their children having moved on and are now on their way through grandparenthood. But I do have a few friends that are or have just gone through this similar stage, one child of multiples having gained independence, the feelings of “loss” are still just as painful. I am not looking for sympathy, but I do know that there is empathy for me.

I have had one of the best Father’s Day visits with my daughters. But for one, the time was cut short, as she chose to travel home before her younger sister, staying with me a few extra days. As we dropped off my older daughter to return home, it did not take long to realize someone else was being affected by this, my daughters. As I mentioned, they have been together basically their entire lives. This day would be inevitable when they would go off to college, but it is happening now.

You could see what this meant to them, all day prior to the departure. While they have always gotten along with each other, there was definitely some last minute bonding happening. Back at the house, now with just one of my daughters, this was a new experience for both of us. It is only a short few days more before my younger daughter heads home, and back to her sister, so this short “test run,” will help us to adjust for the future. The summer visit will be a true test, as it is several weeks, my older daughter has arranged other things during her summer, and is likely at best, maybe to only visit a few days. It will definitely be the longest time the sisters have been apart from each other. I see this as an opportunity to help them to establish a line and need for communication for when the actual college departures come in to play. I will do all that I can to make sure that they talk to each other frequently.

It is going to be an adjustment for all of us for sure. My daughters know that I love them both equally. The only advantage one can even claim, is simply by age. When it came to gifts, decisions on activities, help with homework, and more, both daughters know they can count on me. I had time with only one daughter by herself, way back, waiting to adopt my second daughter. And now, with visits, it will be my younger daughter who will get focused attention.

I am sure all the while, we will be wishing my older daughter, my younger daughter’s sibling, would be with us.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects | Leave a comment
20 Jun 2021

Happy Father’s Day


If there is one thing in my life that I will say defines it, it is Fatherhood. All I have ever wanted to be, was a Dad. Along the way, I have been challenged in the most extreme ways from cancer to divorce, but nothing has stood in the way of the unconditional and never-ending love of my children. My daughters are the reasons behind every decision that I make, and the drive to keep moving forward.

Historically, prior to the arrival of my daughters, Father’s Day was just another day in June.

This is one of three photos that I possess with my father from childhood, none occurred on or around Father’s Day. In fact, I do not remember spending any time with my father for Father’s Day. To be clear, this was his decision, a result of the divorce from my mother. Another reason for my sadness of Father’s day, my grandmother passed away the week before Father’s Day in 1998. And then, my Father was memorialized on Father’s Day weekend in 2014 after passing from the effects of lung cancer. Admittedly, this was something that I requested.

Even with my daughters, Father’s Day seemed to take a back seat, as with other holidays, because I was expected to work. I had a 40-hour/week job, but if offered overtime, so I was expected to work it, even on Father’s Day, the one day that should have been about me with my daughters. I was supposed to just be grateful for the few hours I had to spend with them once I got home from work.

To be clear, there is no one more important to me, than my daughters. When faced with emergency open heart surgery back in 2008 due to late effects from the treatments that cured me of my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, it was the fear of never seeing them again, them having the possibility of experiencing what one of their close friends experienced, losing a parent, that really pulled me through.

Unlike my father, I was there for my daughters for Father’s Day, with the exception of three, two of those were beyond my control, and the other was purely for everyone’s health and well being. A process with my divorce led me to miss two Father’s Days. And in 2020, Covid19 and all the uncertainties left me no other choice, than to keep my daughters safe, and that meant not having them travel to see me. Those three years, came and went, each time, leaving me with a broken heart, no other options available.

But just after the last time that I missed spending time with my daughters for Father’s Day, I made sure that they knew every Father’s Day, they are my priority. They are the reason I wake up every day. They are the reason I look forward to every tomorrow.

This Father’s Day is more than just having lost last year’s time together. For years, I have had friends prepare me for the time when my daughters would get older, and the likelihood that visits with them would be less frequent because they had their own things to do a la Harry Chapin’s “Cats In The Cradle”. In all honesty, for my one friend, he got much less years than I have in regard to that situation. My daughters know how important Father’s Day is to me, as important if not more than, our visit at Christmas. Father’s Day is the day, I get to celebrate and cherish all of the memories from the thousands of photos I have taken of my daughters over the years, opportunities that have lessened from the demands of the teenagers.

My daughters have a biological father, somewhere. But I am the only Father they know. And whether they are six, eighteen, or forty two, they know I will always expect this day to be ours, together.

Yes, their mother and I are divorced, and unlike my Father, I made the conscious decision, to stay in their lives, to be active in their school and interests, to be one of their two main role models, to guide them with their decisions toward their future. Each and every day, I make an attempt to reach them, through various means from phone, to Facetime, to text, a reminder that every day to them, that I am thinking about them. That I miss them. That I love them.

There are so many fathers that I do hear from, that for any reason, are not getting that opportunity this year, perhaps for several years now. For some, it is their first year without either their children, or their father. My heart breaks for them, because I understand the many different issues surrounding the emptiness of this holiday as an adult child of divorce, a divorced parent, as well as someone who lost their father.

The time with each other is only temporary. It can be a few years, or decades. But it is only temporary. That is why it is important every year, on this day, you celebrate if you are able to still do so with each other. And if you are in the unfortunate situation, having been alienated from your father or from your children, you DO NOT EVER give up! Time will heal. I got that chance to do that with my father before it was too late.

I do not know what Father’s Day will look like in 2022. But after having lost Father’s Day last year due to Covid19, this year will be more special than ever to me and my daughters.

Needless to say, as few photos there are of my father and I, my daughters will never have that problem.

Happy Father’s Day.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
12 Jun 2021

Whether A Promonition, Or A Preview, I Want It


A friend of mine posted this morning, that today is one of her favorite times of the year, GRADUATION DAY! She herself has experienced this many times, as a student, as a parent, and as a leader in her community. My friend gets an extra boost on this day, because of her leadership position, actually gets to participate in the annual graduation ceremony. How cool is that? I would be remiss, if I did not mention, that her reputation locally, is that she often gets referred to as an “official school mom” of the district (for privacy, I am not mentioning the name of the district). But if there is anyone who claims to have more pride in her high school alma mater than my friend, I call bullshit.

Today is Graduation Day in that particular school district. It also happens to be the school district where my daughters attend high school. While I am happy for everyone who got through one of the most difficult school years ever imaginable, dealing with Covid19, and the fact that a graduation ceremony can be had, my true excitement is a year away. And even then, it will be two years in a row that I will get to experience a high school graduation as a parent.

I am a very sentimental person. And Graduation Day is one of those days that hits me in various directions of emotion. In 1983, I became the first one in my family, on my father’s side, to graduate from high school. But there was another issue that I had struggled with during that time, that took a bigger precedent.

My relationship with my father when I was a child, could be described as strained, at best. My parents had divorced when I was three years old. Though I occasionally saw my father, in my later youth, I would consider us estranged. As far as I was concerned, that was his choice.

But as I said, I was graduating from high school, the first one to do so on his side of the family. I knew my friends would have both of their parents at the ceremony, and while my father and I did not speak often, I honestly felt this moment could have been a turning point for us in our relationship. A demand was made by me, not a request, not a favor, not an invitation, but a demand. “Here is a ticket for graduation. Show up, or I never want to see you again.”

I had grown tired of all the disappointments from my father. I was not demanding anything unreasonable. Show some pride. Your son was graduating. An hour of your time was all that was being asked. You had done nothing but disappoint me for most of my entire childhood. This day was the biggest day of my life so far. Be there, or else.

He did not show up. He never called to congratulate me. My father lived less than ten minutes away. Not even a card.

Almost forty years later, I have many friends who have either children, or even grandchildren graduating this Spring. Several of them, are from my world of cancer survivorship, and some, who I know through the world of divorce. My news feed is filled with prom and graduation photos, a wonderful reminder of what is ahead for me next year, and the year after. Yes, I was late to the party, but now the party is just getting started.

I admire and even envy the many families that have endured all the years together, remaining whole as they celebrate this day. This is not to say that everything went smoothly, but one thing that they do not have to be concerned about, are distractions from a struggling marriage, relationship, or divorce.

The pictures are there. Friends who are divorced, but all are together, with their graduate, celebrating their big day. Each parent putting aside their differences, for the sake of their child, because graduation day is not about the parents, or their problems. The photos that I see, will last forever for their children, a happy memory they will always cherish.

My last personal experience with Graduation Day was not a memorable one for me. As a divorced parent of a teenager graduating next year, I need to make sure that this is where the similarity ends with my graduation. Up to this point, I have used my experience as an adult child of divorce, to make sure to be sensitive to the needs of my daughters. Unlike my father, who to be fair, we did make amends in adulthood, my point is to not repeat what my father did in my childhood, with the experiences of my daughters. And so far, I have done all I can to not only remain involved in their lives, but active as well. I have assisted them both with their educations, and have spent as much time with them as I could. Ironically, in spite of Covid19, I actually got to spend more time with them as a result.

But their big day will come next year, and the year after. And hopefully, I have done all the right things, not followed my father’s footsteps of my childhood, although I will likely be one emotional hot mess. It will be our turn, to show up for our daughters, just like my friends, and make the day about our daughters, because it is.

As I mentioned however, there is another group of proud parents that I celebrate this time with, those in my world of Hodgkin’s survivorship. When I first became aware of my health issues tied to my treatment past for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, it was clearly laid out for me. I will never forget what my doctor said to me, “We cannot stop the progression of what is happening. We cannot reverse what has happened. But what we can do, is do what we can to slow the progress down, to buy time. My plan is for you to be able to see your daughters graduate, get married, and one day be called ‘grandpa.'” They were barely school age at the time, so these words seemed quite aspirational for me to achieve, in no hurry for my children to become parents of course.

Many of my fellow survivors are getting to experience this annual tradition. For most, their health has held up long enough for them to do so. For several, they have now gotten to see even grandchildren graduate. I am not getting that far ahead. I am focused on reaching one milestone at a time, because I know all too well, that moment could be taken away from me with the uncertainty of my health issues. One particular friend comes to mind, who sadly did not get to see her first grandchild graduate from high school, having passed away late last year.

This time of year is a big deal for students, and it should be. It is also a great moment for parents and grandparents, and it should be. As that time approaches, I know that I have done all I can to make this day one of the most memorable for my daughters. Now I just need to wait for 2022.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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