The Photograph
(top photo is mine, bottom photo is also mine courtesy of CHATGPT)
I swore I would not do it. I considered messing around with AI the equivalent to screwing around with a Ouija board. And yet, I did it. A recent diagnosis, yet another thing my body is betraying me with, put my mindset into a rare status yesterday, a feeling of worthlessness, something I do not let myself go to that place. If I am being honest, this new diagnosis does not change anything for me, well, with the exception of yet another medication I need to take. But the diagnosis was yet another reminder, not that I needed any, of what my body went through nearly 37 years ago, and because of that, must deal with the late effects today.
Myocardial ischemia, simply put, the lower chambers of my heart are not receiving enough oxygenated blood. It is a condition that is not cureable, but can be managed to a degree. This is now the eigth issue diagnosed with my heart since I was treated with high dose radiation (40gy) and MOPP-ABV chemotherapy for my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988. In fact, I have now begun to nickname my heart “Timex,” after the advertising campaign decades ago, about Times watches “take a licking and keep on ticking.”
The status with my heart, is congestive heart failure. That was jarring the first time I saw those words in my chart. And it took a few moments for my brain to reset, CHF does not mean anything is imminent, just that my heart is working a lot harder than it should. I have now had a double bypass of the Left Anterior Descending artery (LAD), a main artery of the heart, a stent of the Right Coronary Artery (RCA), the other main artery of the heart, aortic valve replacement, a left bundle branch block (an electrical issue with the heart), an inverted T-wave, reversed septal wall motion, potential issues with my mitral valve, and now myocardial ischemia. And just for shits and giggles, I have a very pronounced murmur, which gets a lot of attention, and audience who wants to hear what a clear murmur sounds like. Yes, my heart is taking a beating. And whether by surgical intervention or medicinal maintenance, the things that have been done are not permanent, some will need to be redone again (my bypass, my stent, and my valve), and some will finally require intervention, again, none of these are permanent solutions. There is really only one option, one that I do not have, and due to the complications with the rest of my body, combined with the overall risks of another open heart surgery, the odds of me getting, or surviving a heart transplant are not favorable at all.
So, I need to do what I can, with what I know and am aware of, be kinder to my body. Unlike past situations, I am actually aware of the symptoms I am living with, shortness of breath (SOB), fluid retention, and a few others, all symptoms related to my CHF and current diagnosis of Myocardial Ischemia. I have a higher risk of having a heart attack, one thing I have yet to experience with all of my medical issues, and knock on wood, do not want to experience. Along with modifying my diet, best I can, and with mild exercise (limited to periods of walking), and medicine, there are other things I try to do to help my heart out, such as keeping my legs elevated to reduce the swelling. I live in Florida, so wearing compression socks is not an option for me.
And then yesterday, my meltdown. For the first time, these words have ever left my lips, “I am feeling worthless,” as I made a choice to allow my legs a break instead of taking on a task immediately, also focusing on not approaching stressing my heart to the level of a heart attack. Everything that I have been through, especially the last seventeen years of my survivorship, even being branded with the label “disabled,” I have never allowed myself to feel useless or worthless.
The thing is, I know I am stronger than that mentally. And that is what prompted my dance with AI. I asked to create a personna or spirit, from my image, of someone who has faced multiple challenges in life, health and otherwise. Because all of these years, I have had something in me, that has gotten me through everything. I wanted to see what “it” looked like.
I will not name it, but this is what the “fighter” in me looks like. And I can actually see it in me, and understand why I fight so hard. As I approach a major milestone toward the end of the year, and have other important milestones within reach, I am going to trust this “inner spirit” of me to keep on fighting. He looks like he can still do it. Being a big believer in “Positive Imaging” (thank you Norman Vincent Peale), this newest diagnosis is just something else for me to deal with.
Paul's Heart 