Looking Forward
Every year, the prior week is so difficult for me emotionally. Of all the things that I have dealt with in my life, especially with my health, including my battle with cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1998, it is my emergency heart bypass in 2008 that carries the most weight with my thoughts each year. Even everything that I went through with my divorce, which I consider an experience worse than all of my health issues combined, it is my bypass, every year, I am reminded, how close to dying I really was. My cardiologist even told me so, “it’s not a question if you are going to die from a fatal heart attack, but when.”
My lifestyle went from “work can’t do without me” and “my family can’t do without me,” to “they did do without me” at least for a short time. The fact that I lived my life with the “can’t do without me” mantra for so long, ignoring the chest tightness I had for four months, whether I was mowing my lawn, shoveling snow, moving equipment at work, or carrying either of my daughters, could have ended my life at any time. The other things I dealt with my health and divorce, though not pleasant, they were not likely to be as final as a fatal heart attack.
As happens every year following this difficult week, I begin to pick myself back up emotionally. I am a goal-oriented person and it does not take long for me to re-focus on what is instore ahead of me. I have long term goals which is really a short list with several sub-goals, watching my daughters grow and experiencing the many milestones that are ahead of them. But I also have short term goals, the goals easily within my reach.
A month and half after this past week, comes my most favorite and important holiday, Father’s Day. Even under a custody order, Father’s Day ranked more important than all of the other holidays combined. That particular weekend has morphed over time especially as my daughters have gotten older, making it now a full week.
This year’s Father’s Day will be even more special, as it is the first time I will celebrate with both of my daughters being college age. One daughter has been studying abroad for the last four months, so I have not been able to see her other than in photos and an occasional video call. My other daughter I got to spend a day with a few weeks ago. Normally I would have seen them both over the Christmas holidays, but Covid had other plans for them as they were exposed to Covid, and were unable to travel. So, it will have been close to a year that I have seen both my daughters at the same time.
But as my younger daughter has become to struggle with the realization that growing older also means developing their own lives, which means less time for Dad, that is actually a good thing, and expected. As much as I loved my time with my daughters in their childhood, I am so excited for who they will become in the world ahead of them. I am only hoping that I have taught them and given them as much as I could to help them get there. I am reminded of the following story:
At 5 years, my Dad knew everything. At age 6, Dad knows. At age 8 years old, maybe Dad doesn’t know. At 10, Dad doesn’t know. At age 12, Dad is out of his mind crazy! At 14 years old, I just can’t take Dad seriously. When I was 18, what does Dad know! When I turned 21, Dad is talking nuts! I’m an adult at 23 years old, I know more than my Dad. At 25 years old, perhaps Dad does seem to know some things after all. At 30, maybe I need to ask my Dad about it. When I turned 40 years old, it’s amazing how Dad went through all of this. I’m 45 now, and it turns out my Dad has been right all along. When I turn 50 years old, I’m hoping my Dad is still there because I have so much more to learn.
Over the last year, both daughters have grown so much. I still see their younger selves in them every now and then. I enjoy the random request to supply photos from their youth (I literally have thousands). My older daughter has had the biggest opportunity studying on the other side of the world, where she has had no choice, but to make her own decisions, receiving either rewards or consequences, or as I call them, learning experiences. Either way, while a great experience for her, I will be glad for her to return home. And then in a month and half, it’s that time of year again, Father’s Day. We have a lot to catch up on that we missed out on, birthdays, Christmas, and of course, Father’s Day. It’s going to be a good week.
Paul's Heart 