Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “June, 2023”

15 Jun 2023

Flag Day Memories


Yesterday was Flag Day. Established in 1777, the flag, originally comprised of 13 stripes, alternating red and white, with a field of blue with white stars, was adopted as our national symbol, and proclaimed “Flag Day” in 1916. Oddly, as a national symbol, it is not a national Federal holiday. Go figure.

But in 1998, Flag Day took on a whole other meaning for me, that the reminder of Flag Day each year, would remind me of one of the deepest losses in my life, the passing of my grandmother.

My grandmother, like for many, was a major influencial person in my life, perhaps, the most influencial. My grandmother was a moral compass for me. She was also my role model as I faced my battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, as she was a cancer survivor herself. Her passing on June 14th left me devastated.

Seven years later, I would adopt my second daughter. She was named after my grandmother. Though I have always lived my life wanting to be the main role model for my daughters, it was both of them, that helped me to live up to that status, so much so, they became my moral compass, just as my grandmother once was.

My grandmother never got to meet my daughters, but she would have loved both, and they would have loved her. But my younger daughter, named after my grandmother, has given me new reason to remember Flag Day in a new way, and finally turn Flag Day for me, from a sad remembrance, to a happy memory.

Yesterday, my daughter graduated from high school, my second graduation in two years. I now have two adult children now into the next chapter of their lives.

I had no experience, and really no personal reference as to how to be the best Dad I could be to my daughters, unfortunately due to the mostly absent relationship with my own Father. I would like to think that in spite of how things turned out with their mother, the decisions that I made, and the actions that I took, gave them the best of me that I could offer.

And now, just as my Father and I re-established a relationship in my adulthood, I know what I can expect to prepare for and hope for, in relationships with my daughters, as we now deal with adult issues, grown-up to grown-up. Looking back, I have nothing but fond memories of my Dad during this stage of my life. And I look forward to conversations and days, that I have these similar grown-up conversations with my daughters.

All of these connections between my younger daughter, and my grandmother, leaves me believing that my grandmother might just be watching down over us. And she has the smile that I have always remembered. I think of her every time I see my daughters smile.

Once again, I can be happy on Flag Day.

Posted in Adoption, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
11 Jun 2023

Same Time, The Next Year, Same Reason, Different Meaning


When I travelled back to China to adopt my second daughter (my older daughter also from China), there was a different feeling, an increased confidence, in knowing what was expected to happen, because I had already done it once before. Many of the days throughout their lives, often played out this way, my older daughter, setting the bar, “teaching” the experience, as if to make it easier for her younger sibling.

And for the most part, that is the way that it has always played out, until now. My older daughter graduating last year was rough on me emotionally, but I am finding out, all the experiences that led to this day, my younger daughter graduating, have not made this time any easier.

As my older daughter graduated last year, for me personally, it was a major milestone for me on two counts. I had navigated custody and divorce successfully, and retained my relationships with my daughters, in spite of efforts of many to see otherwise. But the other issue that made this date so special, I really did not know if I would ever see either of my daughters graduate because of my health issues, related to late developing side effects from my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma thirty-five years ago. On at least three occasions, my health reached critical levels, nearly dying, and four others severe conditions requiring extended hospital stays. To say me getting to see my older daughters graduate is a milestone, is an extreme understatement.

To be clear, my milestones included seeing both of my daughters graduating. And that time is upon me now again, this week. But it feels differently this time with my younger daughter. My health has been stable for two years now, and I see something different approaching me now with her graduation. Both of my daughters, of adult age, are out of high school, and on to the next chapter of their lives. And no matter how many times I go through childhood photos, I cannot stop this next step.

Nor do I want to stop this next step. As they begin their adult lives, they have chosen their paths, and it is up to them to walk those paths. I recognize this part of their lives. I have seen this play out once before, in my life.

As I have mentioned, I am an “ACOD”, adult child of divorce. I spent a majority of my childhood estranged from my father. It was in my adulthood however, that my Father and I turned a major corner in our relationship, reconciling the time of my childhood, lost by decisions he had made. Instead, we would build what I call our first stage with each other, just learning how to relate to each other as adults, trying to learn things from him, that I might just need to know as a grown up myself.

My Dad ended up not in the greatest of health also, and I would often end up coming to his assistance for tasks around his house, and of course through his battle with lung cancer toward the end of his life. But I needed to learn as much as I could about my role as a father to two grown children while at the same time, witnessing the joy he experienced as a grandfather. Together, he and I learned so much from each other.

As my younger daughter processes down the aisle to receive her diploma, along with over a thousand other students, this time, instead of reaching a milestone, I will also be turning a page, looking forward to the next milestone, quite some time away, but it will be as adults, all of us.

I have done my best during their childhoods to be the best role model I could be for my daughters. Not having a normal relationship with my Father growing up, I winged the relationships with my daughters, going on instinct, as well as recognizing what I felt that I missed in a broken relationship with my Father, to make sure that the same would never happen to my daughters. I have taught them values, morals, what to expect and demand in relationships, and to respect themselves as well. I am hoping that I have been able to teach them, by example, not to make the mistakes that they may have witnessed by me and their mother, by showing the correct way to value materials, live within means, and to experience life. I have made sure they understand, while life is something that just happens, and while some things may come with ease for them, much if not most, will only come with hard work, intelligence, and some luck, not to rely on things just to fall into their laps.

So yes, I do not look at this graduation as just having reached another milestone, though clearly I have, I am turning the page to a new chapter, officially with both daughters now heading into their own adult lives. And just as I was with their childhood, I will be there every step of the way, supporting their decisions, answering questions they may have, and hopefully be relied upon for advice in the many grown up decisions they will be making as adults themselves, such as serious relationships, buying a house or any other large purchase, and God forbid, and support with their health.

I could not be any more proud of both my daughters and what they have achieved. And as my younger daughter walks into that stadium, my camera will be focused on her, for her final moments of her childhood.

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04 Jun 2023
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National Cancer Survivor Day 2023


Today is National Cancer Survivor Day (the entire month is recognized as National Cancer Survivor Month). Today, marks 35 times I have seen this day since my fight with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma occurred back in 1988. Being a survivor of cancer, regardless of how long it has been, is no easy fete. The struggle to survive is both physical and emotional, and though remission is often reached, and the struggle seems to fade, it never completely goes away.

I often consider milestones or anniversary recognitions in regard to cancer, as bittersweet. To this day, 35 years later, cancer is still the number two leading cause of death, just 20% less than heart disease, and 33 % worse than deaths related to Covid according to the CDC (Center For Disease Control). Cancer has taken six of my relatives. I can no longer count how many friends and fellow survivors I have said goodbye to, either directly from cancer, or survivorship related issues, their bodies just unable to take any more of the trauma from long term side effects from their treatments. Bitter.

But the sweet part, a continued life I never thought I would have, mostly, a family. And here I am, less than two weeks away from seeing my youngest daughter graduate from high school. There is irony. She was named after my grandmother, a two-time cancer survivor, and will graduate on the same date as the day my grandmother passed from her second cancer, changing the mojo of that day from one of sadness, to one of joy. And I know my grandmother is looking down and watching all of this unfold.

Merriam-Webster defines “survivor” to “remain alive” or “continue to exist, function, or prosper.” When we think of surviving something, our first thoughts usually go to some sort of catastrophic event, such as an earthquake, plane crash, or cancer. When we think of surviving an event on that level, there is one stand-out characteristic that all of those events and more have in common – we do not volunteer for them. There is nothing or no one on standby to prepare for something horrible to happen, to reduce casualties or injuries.

Which is what really frustrates me about television shows that hype themselves with “survivor” as the theme, of course I am referring to “Survivor” and Bear Grylls new show “I Survived Bear Grylls.” While I do enjoy competition style television, one major peeve I have are shows that claim survivorship. Again, an actual trauma victim does not volunteer. If they survive, they have every right to call themselves a survivor. But competitors on television shows like this, are volunteer, actually auditioned for. These shows are not about survivorship other than being the last person standing, a matter of endurance and strength, oddly enough, two characteristics of most if not all cancer survivors. But again, the difference being, cancer survivors never volunteered to get cancer. There is no cash or prize award for beating cancer.

I think what triggered me on this, while flipping through channels, I came across Grylls’ new show. The competition at the moment, Grylls hyped up as “man’s worst fear – being buried alive”, the contestants being placed inside a container, made of snow, with more snow piled on top of it, to simulate being trapped in an avalanche. Now, to be clear, if this had happened, an actual avalanche, and you survived, you get to call yourself a survivor because you did not volunteer for that to happen. While I doubt being buried by an avalanche is man’s worst fear, again, cancer? Hello?, Grylls explained what needed to be done and how fast. In the real world, you would either live or die, but this is a set, granted a natural set, but with several crew there to assist, risks of fatality are kept to a minimum. Cancer patients don’t have that kind of protection or assurance.

So, if you really want to know what a cancer survivor is and actually looks like, take a look around. We are all over the place. Some have gotten to enjoy life, completely worry free and in remission, others like me, continue to deal with late effects from our treatments, but we are still surviving.

How about someone making a television show about real survivors?

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart

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