Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “June, 2023”

23 Jun 2023

The “Speed Bump”


What does a speed bump do? It slows you down, if you are driving a car that is. I have referred to a couple of my former co-workers as “speed bumps” for similar reasons, because they slowed me down. But another thing that a speed bump does, if you hit it too fast, or if the hump is too steep, it gets your attention in a big way. I just flew right over a “figurative” speed bump. And just like speed bumps I see as I am driving, I knew this one was there as well. And just like other speed bumps, I often do not pay attention to them, and then wish I had done otherwise.

This was the second of two major milestones for me to have reached as a thirty three year cancer survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, my younger daughter graduating high school. But there was a speed bump approaching, and I had totally forgotten about it. Just like my car bottoming out of an actual physical speed bump, I was going to hit the “figurative” speed bump soon that I referenced earlier. And just like scraping the undercarriage of the car, this speed bump is leaving some marks.

As I did last year when my older daughter graduated, I spend Father’s Day week with my daughters. In full disclosure, this week is not just about having fun, making memories, taking pictures, we also get a lot done that needs to be taken care of until the next time that I see them both again. This year, both of my daughters will be in college, and then… well, they are off on their own lives.

If there is one thing missing from my younger life, it is pictures. I have very few photos of me as a child, and even fewer with either of my parents. Though I do have some memories of my youth, photos would definitely help to jog those memories. I know that, as my daughters often do not recall things we did together in the past. I have made sure they have photos to show them what they have done. A lot of photos.

This week has been no different, other than probably a lot less photos than ten years ago, attributed to “diva” behavior of two late teen/young adults. But I am getting my share of photos and memories. With the graduation photo pictured above, I was pumped for what I had in store for my daughters this week.

And then, an innocent photo, the type taken many times before, grabs my attention, like a speed bump, wrecking my inner core.

For the most part, most people find it hard to believe that I am a thirty year survivor of cancer, or that I have the number of major health issues that I do. I have even had one of my doctors tell me at an office visit, “you look great!”, especially when they know inside, my body is a train wreck.

But this photo shows the obvious, besides the fact, that it is obvious which shirts I must wear to hide what I have been through. This pullover shirt, exposes the major muscle loss that I have developed over the years, from my neck muscles, shoulder muscles, and chest muscles. While I currently consider myself in fairly good shape (all things considered) and my strength well enough, that same conditioning shows what I have lost.

A recent photo shows the results of damage to my neck from high dose radiation. Muscle loss from the back of the neck results in remaining muscles in the front of my neck, pulling my head forward, and eventually drooping down. Before I learned what was happening, I constantly heard co-workers accusing me of being depressed because I was always looking down at the ground when I walked. Turns out, I could not help it. Physical therapy and various neck braces can help to a certain point, but not reverse the damage that is cumulative. The degradation and muscle loss in the neck of many Hodgkin’s survivors often gets nicknamed “pencil neck.” All too often, you can pick us out just by that observation alone.

Honestly, I really don’t pay attention to it. I very rarely walk around without my shirt on, because of the horrific scars on my chest and abdomen which only took one incident to garner too much attention. I have trained myself not to really pay attention to mirrors because I know that in spite of the good shape I believe myself to be in, a side or rear view will show a “chicken wing” like appearance of my shoulders as opposed to a nice, rounded shoulder.

Normally, I do not let this appearance stuff get to me. I know that my more serious issues belong to my heart, my lungs, and many other interior issues. But as I looked at the current photo, I reminded myself, I should have paid more attention to the “speed bump.” The result, I still took a lot of photos, but now I was no longer in them, and the few that did now include me, I examined and focused on my chest and neck area to see if I hid my physical late effects well enough. Seriously, the stuff going on inside of me is supposed to be the difficult things to get through.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
17 Jun 2023

The Perfect Gift… For Me Anyway


I do not remember the topic of “gifts for Dad” being discussed on the news so much as I have in the last 24 hours. Reporters interviewing passersby getting responses such as the cliche “ties” or “coffee mugs.” I have always made it real easy for my daughters when it comes to gifts for me, regardless if my birthday, Christmas, or Father’s Day. All I really want is time with them. Time is the most precious and personal gift anyone can give. And for anyone who is not able to celebrate Father’s Day with their Dad, like me, we always wish that we had more time with him.

During my daughters younger years, there were plenty of purchased Father’s Day gifts. But the gifts that I always treasured, and still have to this day, are the school projects that they made themselves, perfectly timed to be done before school ended for the year.

But halfway through their childhood, that is when “time” became the most important gift they could give me. I had filed for divorce, and that meant that material things no longer mattered to me. As per the custody order, yes, that had to be specified, I would get to see them on Father’s Day weekend. Time. I did not need anything material, though that still did not stop thoughtful gifts from coming in over the years. Like I said, I have all their “gifts” they made me in school, but it is a 500 photo album that I received last year, and filled to capacity, that still brings me joy, being able to look back over the past nineteen years.

And now, as they both have their 2023-2024 collegiate year planned out, which does mean that I will have less opportunities to spend with them, albeit this is only temporary while they are in college, it makes “time” with them even more special and important. This morning, they are both on an early flight down to spend the week with me, as has been the custom for the last many years. It will be a fast week, and fast paced, as there is a lot to do, both fun, and the typical “work”, now making sure they are as prepared for adult things that need to be dealt with.

The greatest joy I get, or gift I receive, is watching my daughters laugh, share, and work with each other, loving each other. This is truly a gift, and all that I could possibly ask for on Father’s Day.

Posted in Adoption, Family and Friends, Inspired By... | Leave a comment
16 Jun 2023

Remembering Dad This Weekend


Many will spend this weekend, having an opportunity to spend Father’s Day with their Dads and Grandfathers. Some will not for any number of reasons, whether it be a matter of circumstance such as location (living too far away), domestic situations such as custody orders, and those whose Fathers are no longer with us.

This is Billy Joe Armstrong, of the rock band Green Day, one of my favorite bands. A popular hit, “Wake Me Up When September Ends” was a song that Armstrong wrote for his Father who had passed away from esophageal cancer when Armstrong was just ten years old. He carried the grief of his Father over twenty years when he finally penned the lyrics and recorded one of the major hits of the “American Idiot” album. I only recently learned of this explanation, and have a new profound respect for the singer and the song.

If there is one thing that I could have considered one of my biggest fears, that was leaving my daughters behind in my death with them at such a young age. My daughters had already been witness to so many other kids their age, who suffered the imaginable loss of a Father or Mother, too young to understand why, just that they were never coming back. There are three families that come to mind immediately for me, specifically who lost their Fathers due to either an illness or fatal event.

I was petrified back in April of 2008 when I underwent emergency heart surgery for a condition known as a “widow maker,” for the obvious reason, that if you suffered a heart attack due to this condition, you were fairly likely to die. Caused by my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma eighteen years earlier, this situation caught me completely off guard. Not only that, but as my cardiologist explained at my first follow up from the surgery, “it was not a question if you were going to die, but when.” Considering that I had been dealing with noticeable symptoms for months prior to the surgery, no one needs to explain just how dire this was.

But with this only being the first of many health crisis I would face that were considered life and death, and remembering the family friends of my daughters and their losses, I never wanted them to hear those words, “your Father passed away.”

Losing a parent does not get any easier, as an adult child either.

When my Father passed away from complications of lung cancer, we could not have been any closer with each other. The loss of my childhood from my Father and divorce, long forgotten, our relationship grew as adult Father and son, and more importantly, getting to watch him with his granddaughters. Prior to his diagnosis, we really had grown much closer together. He had become not only my Dad again, but also one of my most trusted confidantes. My Dad passed away nine years ago, and much like Armstrong, I still miss my Dad all these years later.

As I said, there are other circumstances that can make Father’s Day difficult. Divorce, separation, or any other form of domestic conflict. Some Fathers are actually kept from their children, legally and illegally. In a form of child abuse, there are cases where children are actually encouraged to shun or dislike their fathers in what is called “parental alienation,” often times for nothing more than petty vengeance of the other parent. And then there is what I can only call the despicable, the Fathers who want nothing to do with their children. I will never understand a parent that can just walk away and forget.

Then there is the unthinkable, a Father having to get through Father’s Day, with the loss of a child. Whether it be because of an illness such as cancer, a tragic accident, or as today, an all too frequent occurrence, gun violence, it is unimaginable what it takes a Father to get through this day.

Father’s Day is a day to celebrate, to be grateful for one half of your parental unit, whether alive or passed on. And if you are a parent, it is a day to hopefully celebrate with their child or children, who naturally love their Dad. If there is one thing I convey to my daughters, I do not care about Christmas or any other holiday with them, as much as I care about this one time of year, my day, Father’s Day.

And if you are one of the many parents who do find it hard to celebrate Father’s Day, for any reason, please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts, that either your grief or situation improve, so that either memories can restore joy, or being present again in each other’s lives is made possible as it naturally was meant to be.

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Recreation, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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