Paul's Heart

The 30 Year Detour

In retrospect, over thirty years, and over recent days as I reflect on the 30th Anniversary of my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma diagnosis, I may just have figured out what so many, myself included, what makes me tick.

Upon leaving the doctor’s office following his interpretation and opinion of the pathology report, that I do in fact have cancer, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, my personality had already undergone a change in how I not only handled this situation, but how I would handle everything else that would occur in my life.  The average person when faced with diversity, often ends up engulfed in emotions which may or may not complicate what lies ahead.  But when I left the doctor’s office, I had a plan:  talk to my fiance, contact my grandmother, get to an oncologist.  Getting through this was not a choice.  I knew what I had to do.  And I believed I could.

As I drove to my fiance’s house, I drove by my employer.  I saw lights on yet in the office area, and knew that the owner was still in the building.  Impulsively, I pulled into the parking lot and walked to the rear of the building which I knew would still be unlocked.  I walked through the darkened hallway to the office area.

Jeff was still in his office as he was known to work late.  He took over the business for his family and was completely dedicated to their efforts.  He had his own family, but his priority was the company.  When his day was done, he would go home to his wife and children where I am certain he was a loving family man.  At work, he was a bit more mysterious.  I did not really know him to have a frequent sense of humor, mostly all business.  He trusted his employees to do their jobs, and do them well.  He would see to it that we were taken care of.

I stood at the doorway to his office, soaking wet from the brief walk in the rain from my car to the building.  He was not startled by my presence.  He looked up from the pile of paperwork he was looking through…

Jeff:  Is everything alright?

Normally there would be other questions why an employee would be present well after hours, but instead, my appearance besides the physical presentation, had him concerned.  And for the first time, I saw that side of Jeff.

I broke down several times as I explained to my boss everything that I had gone through, and now faced.  I explained everything that was ahead of me.  I told him I did not want to die.

While Jeff was not a stranger to me, still, he was not supposed to be the one that I shared this with first.

I continued on and then Jeff interrupted me as I took a drink of some water.

Jeff:  I want you to know, anything that we can do for you, we will take care of you.  I don’t want you to worry about your job, money, anything.  Just concentrate on what you need to do to get better.

And then something else clicked in my head, another new defense mechanism, which now I fully understand me.  Not sure why, and I am sure that is for a totally different blog, but for the purposes of “Paul’s Heart”, I now had something else driving me.  I needed to get better because I felt needed, valuable, a purpose.

Me:  Jeff, I want you to know, I am going to do as much as I can to miss as little work as possible.  I am not sure how long this is going to take, but I am not going to be a freeloader.  I want you to know you can still count on me just as you always have.  My cancer is not going to change that.

The best way to describe that, would be to say I felt immediate wind against my sails, giving me a stronger sense of what I needed, and planned to do.

We talked for a few minutes more, and then we both walked out together.  He would go home to his family.  I would drive to my fiance’s house.  Almost as if I had just gone through a rehearsal of what I was going to say, I had gotten through all my emotions with Jeff.  I would be better under control with my fiance when I talked to her.  I would be much more believable that I was going to be okay, face to face.

It Was Official… 30 Years Ago Today

30 years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Disease… now called Hodgkin’s Lympoma.  I guess they wanted the cancer to sound less scary.  For the last several posts, I told about the thought processes and denials I went through, as not one, but more than a half dozen medical professionals tried to convince me otherwise, that a healthy 22-year old with everything going for him, had his entire life turned upside down.

I had a doctor appointment on the Monday evening after Thanksgiving, following my work day.  I was returning back to the doctor that my friend Stephen sent me to.  Again, not sure as to why I had not returned to my own doctor at this point.  Just as the evening when I went to the hematologist, the weather was typical northeast nasty rainy and damp.

There was no handshake when the doctor came, no idle chit chat.

Doctor:  The results from pathology confirm what we suspected.  You have Hodgkin’s Disease.

I heard the words, and I could not deny them.  And it was from that moment, that not only my life would change, but how I handle adversity.  My emotions were now turned off.  I should have been upset, freaking out.  But I was calm, focused on every word the doctor was saying.  I guess if there was one improvement of my life, it is the way that I handle crisis when faced, because I face each and every one the same way.

The doctor explained to me that I was going to need an oncologist/hematologist.  He understood that my reaction to the last one that he sent me to, would make it impossible for me to return.  I do want to make a side note here… I did see this doctor again later on in life, in passing of a hallway in the hospital during one of my later stays twenty years later.  He knew right away who I was.  More importantly, I got the opportunity to apologize for my boorish behavior.

At least I knew in advance, that when I made the decision what doctor I would be seeing, I knew what an oncologist and hematologist were, cancer doctors.  Three decades ago, as long a time ago as it is short, there were hardly any success stories when it came to cancer.  But I did have one that I could look to.

Two years earlier, my grandmother had beaten breast cancer.  She was still with us, so clearly, he could save my life.  It was a no-brainer, I will see her oncologist and he will save my life.  I told the doctor that I would make that appointment as soon I spoke with my grandmother to find out what his name was.  And I did apologize to this doctor as well for my stubbornness, that I knew he meant well.  The doctor told me he understood how I must have felt at the “sucker punch” that I received.

Once I got to my car, started the ignition, turned on the windshield wipers and headlights, I went to grab the gear shift to put the car in drive, and my hand just dropped to the floor of the console.  My body was overcome by a numbness.  Just moments ago however, I was calm and collected.  But now it was hitting me.  I had cancer.

I must have been sitting idling in my car close to a half an hour when I finally came back around.  Finally getting my composure together, I started to think of what I needed to do next.  Call my grandmother for the name of her oncologist.  Shit!  I have to tell my fiance.  We were supposed to get married in six months.  Somehow, as I could feel another rush of emotions about to come out, I pushed them back and continued to think how I needed to approach everyone, but I also had another issue I had to think about, my employment.  I cannot explain how I rationalized it, but as I put the car in drive, and began the drive back to my apartment, I drove by my place of employment.  Lights were still on in the office area of the store.  I pulled into the parking lot.  May as well take care of this while I am here.  Little did I know, the emotional need this detour to telling my loved ones would meet and help me prepare.