Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Education”

“Life” Support


If there is one thing I have learned in my nearly 28 years as a cancer survivor, is the importance of emotional support in any kind of recovery or treatment process.  Although I will tell you, at the original diagnosis of my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, the last thing I wanted, was anyone near me.  Just as unprepared as I was to deal with having to fight cancer, I was also just as unprepared to deal with the onslaught of “super caring” from everyone.  In fact, at one point it became so overwhelming for me, causing me to isolate myself.

But over the years of my survivorship, especially being trained as a counselor for cancer patients, as an outsider, I have seen both the good of family support, and I have seen the bad of neglect and denial.  I have personally met so many families over 28 years.  Each family unique in their make-up of support network.  Some were so inspirational with their support, and others were just so tragic.

One of my fellow survivors was a teenager when she was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s.  She had a boyfriend who stayed by her side through the entire course, never wavering in support, which at times, were quite critical.  Upon news of remission, they remained together, eventually becoming engaged, to be married this Spring.  This young couple has been through so much already, but their support of each other is quite clear.  And I wish them happiness forever in their future.  And should they have to deal with any crisis, I know they will stand by each other’s side.

Another long term survivor like me, married her high school sweetheart.  Decades later, they have a beautiful family with children who have no knowledge of her cancer journey, but are all to familiar with her survivor health issues.  Several years ago, their family was challenged, near fatally, when she was involved in a car accident.  Her health issues were complicated enough, without the trauma of the accident.  But there was her family, by her side the entire time.  Her recovery, the only thing that matters.

I have many stories such as this.  Unfortunately, I have too many that are quite the opposite.

A husband wakes up in the intensive care unit, following emergency heart surgery, hooked up to all kinds of machines.  Panicked as to what had happened to him, made worse by the fact that his wife was nowhere to be found, the nurse did all she could do to calm him down and assure him that he will be fine, the worst over, and hopefully the wife  would appear soon.  But she did not.  She was out partying.  Several hospitalizations later the spouse is still in denial of the serious health issues faced by this cancer survivor.

A wife struggling with a myriad of health issues that have developed over time as a result of treatments for cancer.  Doctors have a hard time finding cause, and lost at a treatment plan for how to improve quality of a life, that will never improve physically.  The wife is made to feel that since her issues are not obvious or textbook and cannot be cured or reversed, she should just pick herself up and do the best she can.  As a long term survivor in this situation, I can tell you this is easier said that done.

Another spouse, was treated as an inconvenience, either due to lack of stamina, or a flare-up of one their late effect issues.  Worse yet, treated as if the issues did not even exist.  His spouse only concerned about the image of disappointment by the lack of appearance at a function.

Then there is the spouse who is jealous, jealous of all the attention the cancer survivor with severe health issues (actually this can apply to any patient dealing with a severe chronic issue).  This spouse is one who is likely to manufacture their own “illness” which ironically is an illness, just to take away the attention where it is actually needed.  This particular spouse would “trump” their spouse’s legitimate health crisis with her own.  As another legitimate crisis would arise, the spouse would develop another manufactured issue.  This cycle would never end until one of them would.  The sad thing was, one spouse would have given anything not to have to deal with the realities of side effects from treatments that saved his life, never to need a doctor again.

I guess the thing that makes it frustrating for me as a counselor, is that I see all the other families who support each other without question.  And I see the remarkable quality of life that my fellow survivors can enjoy, in spite of their issues.  And this applies probably 80-85% of the time.  But it is the other extreme, when there is lack of support, either by denial, ignorance, and yes, even jealousy (attention paid to the patient) that frustrates me most.  You would think all that any family member would want is for their loved one to recover or heal.  Though only 15% of the time, when put into a different number of the actual survivors I have met over my lifetime, it is way more than a handful who lack the support of the significant other or family.  I would count at least 100 of fellow survivors in this situation.  And that is 100 too many.

A family should support each other.  Spouses are supposed to be there through sickness and health.  Sadly for some, their own selfish needs outweigh the care and support needed by their family member.

40,000!!!!


Thank you!  Thank You!  Thank you!

Today  “Paul’s Heart” recorded 40,000 views!

I am truly humbled.

On to 50,000.

The Power Of A Quarter


Our country has often talked about getting rid of the penny, many times considered useless.  And there is rarely ever any mention of nickels and dimes anymore.  But the quarter, I would like to tell you something about just how powerful a quarter can be.

I do not remember when or where I heard of this life lesson, but the challenge was this.  Place a quarter on a window ledge in your kitchen.  Lore had it, that if you lived your life in that house, and that quarter remained in that same place the entire time, you would be wealthy.  The lesson, as long as you did not touch that quarter, you had the ability to save  money.  I guarantee, if you took your entire lifetime and added up the pennies, nickels, and dimes that were spent by you, the figure would be astounding.  That is the perspective that people lose in the short term, why a few pennies for change, do not seem to matter and should.  Add up a lifetime, and you have a much larger amount.

One of my roles as a father, is to teach and prepare my daughters, how to handle money.  They need to learn how to save.  They need to learn how to spend.  They need to learn the disadvantages of “spaving” (impulse spending for the sake of saving money).   They need to learn that there are sales tactics that are just plain deceitful, and while in the short run may seem quite satisfying, can ultimately cause a lifetime of financial issues.  It is important that they learn the value of the dollar now, as well as the dangers of credit.

We want stuff.  And many times, we can control our urges and impulses.  Other times we cannot.  We see something.  We want it, and we want it now.  Even the slightest delay however, is enough for our common sense to take over, allowing us to rationalize, just how badly we actually need something.

Last year, I took my daughters to an event that they were both interested in.  Over the year, they both had saved for the activities and souvenirs of the event.  My job was to get them there.  It was up to them, their decisions, what happened once there.  It was a simple lesson really.  Impulse control, dealing with the “kid in a candy shop” mentality.  Once inside the event, there would be excitement and mad impulses.  If my job was done correctly, at worst, they would leave retaining at least some of the money they came with.

It was an expo.  So that meant visiting a lot of vendors and stands.  It is understandable with the adrenaline of excitement, at first sight of the first vendor, “gotta have it” mentality kicks in to overdrive.  As parents, we see this early on in childhood.  We set the tone as far back as then, for the day we were about to begin.

The strategy was simple.  I explained to my daughters that there was no rush for time.  I wanted them to walk the entire floor before making any decisions on purchases.  Together, they viewed the many vendors, stands, and celebrities.  They spent five minutes at one location, fifteen at another.  My daughters understood, as they advanced from one booth to the next, what I had explained to them earlier, if you start spending without knowing what is ahead, you may not have enough when you come across something you truly want.

There were several hundred stations, and as we got further into the center, a lot more attention to detail was being paid.  I could see as they looked at everything, not only were they looking at price, they were also looking at quality.  About a half an hour in, there was an item that definitely caught their eyes.  My daughters worked with each other to determine if the item should be bought, and proudly so, if they might want to pool their efforts together.

After we got through the entire hall, hardly anything had been purchased.  They counted their money, and seemed quite shocked at what they had remaining, clearly expecting to have spent it all.  I then told them, if they would like, we would take another walk through before we left, in case there was something they wanted to take a second look at.  And because they controlled their impulses, they were each able to purchase something else that they may not have been able to.  Even after that second walk through, each daughter still left the expo with more than half of the money they came with.

It is my hope that even such a minor life lesson like the one mentioned above, is enough to stick with them.  Because, if we do not learn to control that urge/impulse, the effects can be devastating not just on ourselves, but on those around us as well.  The need to have stuff, “keep up with the Jones’s” to have everything that others have, to devalue and not appreciate what you already have, are all part of an addiction.  Chances are also pretty good, if you have an addictive personality (cigarettes, alcohol, gaming, foods), you may probably develop a problem handling money, unable to control wanting something, just because it is new, whether you can afford it or not, you just want it, or you are entitled to it.

Again, I want to teach my daughters the importance of saving.  It has nothing to do with depriving yourself of stuff.  But as I know personally, shit happens in life.  And without planning ahead, the results can be disastrous.  Over the years, I have had several health events that have left me out of work many months.  As a union employee, I often had to prepare to go out on strike during contract negotiations (you do not get paid when that happens).  And of course, any other emergency that arrives.  I always tried to save at least three months worth of salary to prepare for any type of crisis that would affect us financially.

It was always that quarter on the window ledge that inspired me.

But stuff does happen.  And if you are prepared for it, how you deal with those emergencies is also determined by how you prepared for it.  Those who have not saved, will struggle emotionally, often feeling desperate.  If you are dealing with an emergency that could have financial consequences, the last thing you need added to your problems, is emotional instability and irrational decision making.

Developing good money management skills at a young age, while impressionable is important.  What children learn now, will have a huge impact on their future from jobs, to cars, to homes, and to family.

I am now on my third attempt with saving just one quarter.  This late in life, and events in my life that have occurred, it most certainly will not amount to any kind of windfall.  But at this point, it is about proving that I could keep that one quarter.  It is about principal.

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