Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Cancer”

26 Nov 2018

It Was Official… 30 Years Ago Today


30 years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Disease… now called Hodgkin’s Lympoma.  I guess they wanted the cancer to sound less scary.  For the last several posts, I told about the thought processes and denials I went through, as not one, but more than a half dozen medical professionals tried to convince me otherwise, that a healthy 22-year old with everything going for him, had his entire life turned upside down.

I had a doctor appointment on the Monday evening after Thanksgiving, following my work day.  I was returning back to the doctor that my friend Stephen sent me to.  Again, not sure as to why I had not returned to my own doctor at this point.  Just as the evening when I went to the hematologist, the weather was typical northeast nasty rainy and damp.

There was no handshake when the doctor came, no idle chit chat.

Doctor:  The results from pathology confirm what we suspected.  You have Hodgkin’s Disease.

I heard the words, and I could not deny them.  And it was from that moment, that not only my life would change, but how I handle adversity.  My emotions were now turned off.  I should have been upset, freaking out.  But I was calm, focused on every word the doctor was saying.  I guess if there was one improvement of my life, it is the way that I handle crisis when faced, because I face each and every one the same way.

The doctor explained to me that I was going to need an oncologist/hematologist.  He understood that my reaction to the last one that he sent me to, would make it impossible for me to return.  I do want to make a side note here… I did see this doctor again later on in life, in passing of a hallway in the hospital during one of my later stays twenty years later.  He knew right away who I was.  More importantly, I got the opportunity to apologize for my boorish behavior.

At least I knew in advance, that when I made the decision what doctor I would be seeing, I knew what an oncologist and hematologist were, cancer doctors.  Three decades ago, as long a time ago as it is short, there were hardly any success stories when it came to cancer.  But I did have one that I could look to.

Two years earlier, my grandmother had beaten breast cancer.  She was still with us, so clearly, he could save my life.  It was a no-brainer, I will see her oncologist and he will save my life.  I told the doctor that I would make that appointment as soon I spoke with my grandmother to find out what his name was.  And I did apologize to this doctor as well for my stubbornness, that I knew he meant well.  The doctor told me he understood how I must have felt at the “sucker punch” that I received.

Once I got to my car, started the ignition, turned on the windshield wipers and headlights, I went to grab the gear shift to put the car in drive, and my hand just dropped to the floor of the console.  My body was overcome by a numbness.  Just moments ago however, I was calm and collected.  But now it was hitting me.  I had cancer.

I must have been sitting idling in my car close to a half an hour when I finally came back around.  Finally getting my composure together, I started to think of what I needed to do next.  Call my grandmother for the name of her oncologist.  Shit!  I have to tell my fiance.  We were supposed to get married in six months.  Somehow, as I could feel another rush of emotions about to come out, I pushed them back and continued to think how I needed to approach everyone, but I also had another issue I had to think about, my employment.  I cannot explain how I rationalized it, but as I put the car in drive, and began the drive back to my apartment, I drove by my place of employment.  Lights were still on in the office area of the store.  I pulled into the parking lot.  May as well take care of this while I am here.  Little did I know, the emotional need this detour to telling my loved ones would meet and help me prepare.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
21 Nov 2018

The Unhappy Thanksgiving


Before I start this post, I want to state clearly, that I do not have the hostility towards this holiday, or others, that I shared thirty years ago.  But you need to understand what was going on thirty years ago to understand why my Thanksgiving in 1988 was just so unhappy.

There is a reason you should not make your wedding day on your birthday.  Celebrate the two occasions separately as they were meant to be recognized.    Do not get married on a holiday, just as bad a thought.  It is a fact of life, bad things happen.  And if it is tragic enough, or at best, critical, the date becomes a constant reminder of a time that you would rather forget.  A divorce on your birthday or the birthday of someone close to you, a severe auto accident on a wedding anniversary, a death on a holiday, what was once a memorable and cherished time for everyone to gather, remains a dark memory every year that the date approaches.  I have my share of these moments between the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  But this time, back in 1988, evidently was finally too much for me to look past.

Even with my denial aside, I believed 100% that I was dealing with an injury, that all seven doctors who had seen me previously had to be wrong (perhaps I should have gone back to my original doctor, after all, he knew me best and would believe me), I now had a pending cancer diagnosis ahead of me.  My fiance’s birthday had just past (see what I meant about events on a birthday or holiday?) and now the two of us would have to get through the holiday weekend.  A major task considering neither of us had told anyone else what was going on with me, nor did we feel this was the appropriate time to bring everyone down.  After all, what if the doctors were wrong?  I would have worried everyone for nothing.

So instead, the two of us sat fairly silent and solemn at the different Thanksgiving tables (my family and hers).  It was fairly unusual for me to be quiet, let alone both of us, but really, with what was on our minds, we definitely had nothing to say.  Everyone else had made up for our silence with their own conversations, not realizing that my fiance and I really were “lost” in a world, somewhere where there was no holiday that was being celebrated.

We still had the entire weekend to get through before I would find out the results of the biopsy.  Thanksgiving weekend was a long enough weekend without this on my mind also.

**** side note – I would spend the next two years dealing with my cancer, and the emotions that came with it, especially during the holidays.  In years following, my feelings toward the holidays had not improved.  I tried.  I really tried.  But not until my daughters came into my life, would I actually even attempt to recognize the holidays again, especially for their sake.  I get through these holidays now, for their sake.  And because I know that it makes people feel good to wish “Happy” this and “Happy” that, I do say thank you, and offer the same back.  But in my heart, it is not that happy a time for me.

Posted in Cancer, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
20 Nov 2018

The Difference Between Stubbornness And Denial


I got a few comments about my recent posts, following the days leading up to my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, which is approaching 30 years on Monday.  All of them simply put, referred to me being “bullheaded”.  Was my denial of where EVERY doctor that seemed to have a hunch of where this was going, that strong?  Could I have been trying to “will” the bad thoughts away?

I was twenty-two years old.  I would describe my childhood as rough, not something I would want to repeat again.  My early adulthood did not start off too smoothly either with bad choices and bad habits.  But then I met someone who had changed all that for me.

Finally things had turned around for me.  Six months after we had been dating, I decided that I had found someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Together she and I would do so many things with each other, experience so much, and do a lot of travelling.  She had not only shown me what life could really be like for us, but wanted to make that journey together.

We started making plans about two months before I was diagnosed, big plans.  I will not go into details because they are part of future posts of this 30th Anniversary thread.

As far as the denial was concerned, in 1988, cancer was still portrayed as a death sentence.  Personally, my paternal grandfather died from lung cancer, or complications thereof.  Later in life I would find out my paternal grandmother had cancer of the gall bladder (another post to come later).  On the television, you would only hear of celebrities dying of cancer.  You never heard of those who would survive.

But the truth is, I knew at least two survivors, but the fear and denial of my own suspected path hid those from my recent memories.  My step-sister had battled aplastic anemia in the late 1970’s.  More recently to my diagnosis, my maternal grandmother had beaten her first cancer, breast cancer, just two years earlier.

Was I denying the possibility of having cancer, because when it came to cancer, you only thought of the big ones… breast, lung, colon?  Other lesser known cancers, such as blood cancers like Hodgkin’s Lymphoma may not have been thought of so much as a cancer.  But guess what, a cancer is a cancer, whether it is in the blood or a solid tumor.

Was I angry at my body for betraying me at the best time of my life after twenty-two years?  It had not right to do that to me.

Was it the loss of control that I abruptly began to experience?  All of a sudden, I was having strangers telling me what to do, when to do it, where to go to have it done.  I no longer had any say.  Even as I protested as strongly as I could, I felt like I was losing grip.

Yes, the denial was that strong, and for many reasons.  And I am grateful for all of those professionals who did not give up on this stubborn jackass.  But that is what made them the best that they could be in their field.

As for me, as my current family doctor of nearly 30 years will confirm, I am still that stubborn jackass when it comes to my care.  But it has been my many experiences with my health over the years, that qualifies me to be a part of my treatment team when it comes to issues.  My doctor knows that she will convince me of what I need to do or have done.  I just make it a challenge until I have all the answers I need to make the decision to accept it.  And my friends and fellow survivors too – this jackass appreciates all of you.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., The Heart | Leave a comment

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