Paul's Heart

Helping With Homework, The Next Level

It is an understatement to say that I enjoyed homework with my daughters. Heck, at times, I even learned a few new things, which is an automatic with “new” math, every parent learns something new with that. As much as I enjoyed helping both of them, I enjoyed watching them help each other more, especially being older, for them to be able to help each other with their strengths. By being involved with their education, I see the things my daughters have been taught, and I know what they are not being taught.

One subject that they are both good at, at least by their resulting grades, is history and government. I have always felt it is important to learn everything, good or bad, about what our country has gone through, or is currently going through. I do not believe that if there is something that I do not know, or do not believe occurred, that to teach my children those things I do not grasp or understand, is not indoctrinating my children. And it is important to understand that position I take.

The term “indoctrinate” is a political buzzword, helpful only in political campaigns. Indoctrinate is defined by Merriam-Webster as “teaching to fully accept only the ideas and opinions and beliefs of a particular group.” Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, it is exactly how our two party political system functions and today, these beliefs have led to a higher level of tribalism, or being loyal to those sharing those beliefs.

In any case, I do not want this post to be focused on tribalism and political controversies. This post is about the newer levels I am involved in, not only to help my daughters with their schoolwork, but to make sure that they are learning accurately.

During a recent visit with my daughters, we were out eating dinner, and as often happens while we are waiting for our food, homework assistance comes up for my younger daughter, the topic? Constitutional amendments. We are going over each one, by memory, both of us, while the information is fresh for her, our constitutional rights were occasionally a refresher for me. Our waitress came by our table, overheard our discussion, and then offered a compliment to us. “It’s nice to see a parent teaching their kids about the constitution.” I offered her in return, a “thank you, just doing what I have always done with my daughters.”

In reality, my contribution to my daughters’ educations, is complimentary, as the base of their knowledge of government and politics is built in school, or at least it should be. I must say, after watching school board meetings for the last two years, and hearing politicians spew false claims about what children are taught in school, it now falls on the parents to make sure children learn the truth of our nation’s history, what really happened.

Once our discussion finished on constitutional amendments, the attention turned to the upcoming mid term election tomorrow. My older daughter is going to vote tomorrow for her second time, her first time eligible was for the primary this past Spring. As a young adult, she has learned just how important her vote means, enough so, that she changed her voting address, so that she can vote while she is away at college. And she did this on her own to my surprise. I was going to help her just follow through the mail-in ballot process, like many other college students.

But making sure she was properly registered and able to vote, I reminded her the importance of learning that issues are more important than party. Each party wants voters of their respective parties to just hit the “straight ticket” button, regardless if you know anything about all of the candidates and what they stand for. This kind of voter has no idea if they are voting for a candidate who is against a personal issue to that voter or not, and that could result in a bad choice.

The economy and inflation are major concerns. But in reality, who cares besides the voter? Certainly not the politician, because no matter who wins, or has been in office, as long as lobbyists are in control, we are never going to have inflation under control. Corporate profits are responsible for 50+% of inflation right now. That’s PROFIT! at our expense. And it shows no signs of waning. Think the Republicans are concerned? Of course not. They are contemplating all of the punitive things they plan to do if their candidates get elected, none of those priorities involve the economy or inflation. Democrats do not get off on this topic either. They have their own agenda that they are looking at, and the economy is not their top project either.

That is why, I have told my daughter, she has to vote on the issues that personally affect her. Our leaders position on the economy and inflation are not going to be resolved with her vote. But issues such as reproductive rights, privacy when it comes to medical records, race and sex discrimination, and of course health issues concerning pre-existing conditions, all have the potential to be impacted over the next two years depending on who you elect. The overturning of Roe v Wade, while some want the sole focus to be on one aspect only of abortion, the ramifications and impacts on all of us are beginning to be felt regardless of which body parts we have. The question is, who does my daughter feel, will protect her rights, the same rights her parents and her grandparents have had, well, until this past year, and will she be a voter who will allow our country to go backwards in privacy and the belief that all are created equal.

Tomorrow is election day. And no matter how you chose or choose to vote, early voting, mail-in ballots, drop boxes, or in person, they are all legal methods an no one, NO ONE has the right to bully you or say your voting method is not valid. You have a right not to be intimidated at the poll by anyone claiming to be a “poll watcher,” other than those legitimate poll watchers actually doing their sworn jobs. If you feel your voting right is being infringed up, call the authorities, but make sure that you vote. And if you run into a situation, where you are prevented from casting your ballot, especially over a signature issue, ASK FOR A PROVISIONAL BALLOT! Make your vote count. And for Pete’s sake, give the election workers a break. Most are volunteers doing not only their civic duty, but something they feel a certain pride in being a part of.

And finally, if your candidates win? Accept it and move on. If your candidates lose? Accept it and move on. That is the way a democracy works.

“I Love My Dad”

Okay, my usual disclaimers… this post has nothing to do with my own divorce or my life as a child of a divorce myself, though there are similarities. The issues in this post, while reflective of the role of the father, can also apply to the mother.

In this movie “I Love My Dad”, “Franklin”, the son, played by James Morosini, who also happens to be the writer and director and whose life the movie’s premise is based on, has severed his relationship from his father, played by actor and dark comedian Patton Oswalt. Admittedly, I am a fan of Oswalt’s which is what drew me to watching the movie.

I must admit, watching a movie like this does have the potential to trigger memories that I have not dealt with or resolved. So it can be a bad thing or a good thing to watch them. I have the unique position of viewing movies like this from a child’s perspective, being alienated from his parent, and from a parent doing all he can to keep and maintain the relationship with his daughters.

What the movie does not address is why, what was behind split of the parents, and what role was played by the mother in the dissolvement of the relationship between the father and his son. Do not misunderstand me, it is clear the later issues that built up the resentment by the son, but not the catalyst, which is relevant as it is more than likely, Patton’s character was not the only problem. So that I do not spoil the movie, there is an issue that the son faced, that was not addressed in detail either, and again, I think relevant to the movie, as could it possibly have been the reason, the father sought to make amends with his son?

An all too common situation, with any number of causes, a parent’s relationship with their child gets fractured as a result from the divorce. There is audio played during the beginning, of the father constantly disappointing his son, with the failure to attend events in his son’s life. Again, as an ACOD, I get how that feels. At some point in “Franklin’s” life, likely after the undetailed event, he cuts his father off from communications via social media, also known as “blocking” him. We did not have this option back in the 1970’s and 1980’s, but it is possible, I would have done that to my father as well if I had the chance.

At the advice of a friend, the father is encouraged to create a fake profile on social media, which might allow him to follow what his son is up to, commonly referred to as “catfishing,” pretending to be someone you are not, leading someone else on. This is where things really get messed up, because emotions get involved, and the son is already challenged emotionally. And there is the expression, “the truth always comes out.” And when that happens, results can be even more devastating. The father creates a profile based on a female waitress at a restaurant he eats at. Not realizing the potential for how far this effort could careen out of control, it does just that, when the son insists on meeting her, the real woman unaware that this is even happening. “Franklin’s” mother does not know of the catfishing, but thinks that her son is actually pursuing someone real, regardless, given what he has gone through, and still does not think it is a good idea, providing the opportunity for the father to step in, and the attempt to repair the relationship can begin.

The end of the movie is predictable, but also a bit disconnected. There, I have not spoiled anything about the movie.

As I said, as an ACOD, I know there has to be more to the story that led to the estrangement between the father and his son. But I also know, as a father myself, having gone through a divorce with children involved, I was NEVER going to allow the things that happened when I was a child, stand in the way of a relationship between me and my daughters. NEVER! Albeit, I had a couple of things in my favor that my father did not have, technology for one. I truly believe, that having the tool of video chat via apps such as Facetime, made all the difference in the world. Whereas with a phone call, there was no way to see if attention was being paid when we talked. More importantly, there was an obvious impact, being able to see each other every day.

Now, as for the issue of “not being there” was presented constantly in the movie, again, as an ACOD, I get it. And I know the finality of “having enough.” But unlike Patton’s character, as a father, I have done all I can to make sure that I have been there for events in my daughters lives. As older teens, they were able to see for themselves, and judge for themselves, and understand if there was a reason I was not able to make something. This became a frequent challenge during Covid times, between restricted flying, and of course, prevention, as I had multiple life saving surgeries that needed to be done, and would be delayed with an exposure to Covid. But even pre-Covid, there were “speed bumps” in my way that at times prevented me from seeing my daughters. I never let my daughters believe that they were unloved, forgotten, or not important to me. Today, I help them prepare for college life and beyond. Giving up on my daughters, getting into a situation as my father did, and as Patton did, was never an option.

So unlike Patton’s father character, I did not have to resort to means to try to get back into my daughters lives. I am a fan of Patton, but I do wish that perhaps a different approach would have been taken. Easier said than done, as I have no idea how else that could have been done. The easiest option is never get into that situation in the first place, but depending on the level of antagonism from the other parent, it might not be unavoidable.

The movie, “I Love My Dad” is no “Kramer vs. Kramer” or “Mrs. Doubtfire” as far as the portrayal of the complexities of the alienation between parent and child. But this dark and very twisted comedy, at least puts a current spin on the attempts to resolve the relationship, and sometimes in a very cringe-worthy way.

Time Is Running Out

One month is done into the new school year already. My one daughter is approaching mid-terms in college. My younger daughter about to approach mid-term of her quarter of her senior year of high school. As their Dad, I play a separate role for each.

Throughout their elementary and middle school education, I could be described as a very involved parent when it came to their education. Not to be confused with “helicopter parenting,” I simply made sure that homework was completed, quizes and tests were studied for, and best efforts were always encouraged, and achievements were recognized and praised.

Once my daughters reached high school, they each developed their own unique study habits. I turned over all of the responsibility of their schooling to them, with the exception of important deadlines pertaining to milestones, the college application process, and of course, graduation. Not one to have any place to ridicule their methods and means as students and their study habits, I did not have great study habits either, they have done nothing but produce great grades.

The school district has a very well constructed communication tool to keep parents apprised of the status of their childrens’ grades and other personal information. All I had to do at that point, is just sit back and watch. Every now and then, I would be approached by either of them for help with a specific assignment, whether it to spellcheck, or provide information. Both knew not to come to me for math, at least the “new math”.

With my college student, I no longer have that ability to see how she is doing. I can ask her how here classes are going, and I get simple answers, “good.” Instead of seeing her daily progress, I am now just an observer and must wait for the end of the semester to hear of her results. I am just an observer.

But with my high school senior, I still have a little more time of usefulness as a role model with her education. As her senior classes seem more geared to current events of the world today, whether it be business, economics, or politics, I am watching her develop as an independent thinker, something I think a lot of people fail the ability to be.

Part of her Summer assignment for her AP Government course, was to select five topics, and then find three news stories with different leans; extreme right, right, center, left, extreme left. She had to summarize each and compare it with all of the facts that she had gathered with each topic. Her first impression while undertaking this assignment, is she now understands why so many adults cannot get along with each other. The confusion for my daughter, is that when only facts are considered, solutions should be able to be found. Of course she realizes that each media resource she looked at, many have a political lean or agenda, aligned with a certain party or sub-party. Again, another observation on her part about the generations ahead of her, by ignoring the facts, too many put a party affiliation over issues that really matter to people.

She will turn 18 years old next year, and I am proud to say, I will be two for two, with registered independent voters, such as myself. My daughter will not be swayed by one particular news source, but a variety, and only when all the facts are laid out, she will make her decisions.

Another assignment she has been assigned, to argue either that “greed is good for the economy” or “greed is bad for the economy.” The assumption that we have gone from a society based on capitalism to one of greed, simply by “trickle down economics”, going back to the Reagan presidency. Simply put, make the rich more wealthy, and then they will eventually share it with those below them. Only in the forty years since the concept, that has never happened. NEVER. With the values I have taught my daughter, greed being bad, I encouraged her that she would be able to make an easy and well defined case that greed is bad for our economy.

I have to admit, with the exception of the new math, I have enjoyed assisting my daughters with their schooling when asked. I know that as adults, they have been well educated, and can have intelligent and informed conversations with people, not based on media influences. But this time is going to end when she graduates from high school, and like my older daughter, totally independent with her future endeavors.

As I see many of my friends who have just begun sending their children to school, I find myself thinking, “oh how long ago that was.” But it wasn’t. The time really flew by.