“Just Get Over It”. I Can’t.
One of the worst things you can ever say to someone who has ever been through any kind of trauma, whether it be illness, violence, disaster, or accident, is to tell someone who struggles with their memory and emotions of that trauma, they should just “get over it.”
As I wrote “Paul’s Heart – Life As A Dad And A 35-Year Cancer Survivor,” (found via the link above this paragraph) I recalled many of the events that I had gone through over the last three and a half decades, whether in regard to my health or my personal life. I consider myself a stoic person, very rarely showing or displaying any emotion, and as I wrote the book, I would say my feelings were consistent. I was able to focus on all of the details, and really try to keep the book to just that, details and experiences.
However, I have found, that when I speak of certain topics within the book, I can feel my emotions churn. But still, I manage to keep a grip. Whether giving cancer survivor speeches, or doing book promotions, I do fairly well keeping everything in check.
So why was it this morning, as I was having a private conversation, pertaining to one of the more extreme health crisis I went through, actually one of the top two of the many, I suddenly found myself, losing control of my emotions. So much so, as I fought to suppress the feelings, it was pointed out, “I’ve never seen you get this way before.”
We were having a conversation about my emergency heart bypass. I have talked about it dozens of times, in many different situations, and I have never reacted this way. Even with years of therapy under my belt, this had never happened before, well, other than the “television incident” (discussed in the book, Chapter 55 – A New Start). I was discussing the final moments, prior to the surgery, as I just laid there on the hard operating table, with nurses and techs all buzzing around me, preparing me, preparing all of the equipment, machines and instruments, and hearing bits and pieces of conversations happening all around me.
“He’s so young,” a nurse told another. Without even a thought, I blurted out, “I am young. I’m only 42 years old. I don’t want to die. I have two little girls I love so much and I don’t want to die.”
Returning to my conversation today, I needed to stop for a moment with the conversation. The person I was talking to said to me, “I’ve never seen you get like this before.” The truth is, I rarely, if ever, let anyone see me this way. Yet, a situation I have talked about before, many times, provoked this response from me today. But why? Why today, nearly sixteen years since that surgery?
You can take any particular tragic or critical crisis, and the end hope is always the same, to one day move on from it, to forget it ever happened. I can tell you personally, this is an attitude of many cancer patients and their families, friends, and loved ones, to put it all behind. This is where the “just get over it” begins its roots of emotional suppression. By forgetting it, or “getting over it,” we leave out the most important part of our recovery, from anything, processing what we have gone through. We do this either on purpose or by accident, perhaps even subconsciously. The event gets locked away, seemingly forgotten, until one day, it is not. And you have a day like I had today. And clearly, issues like this, not only impact the individual, but also those around them.
The key to getting through episodes like I experienced today, is to recognize them, and accept that issues still exist, and STILL need to be processed. Sure, the physical scars may be healed. But not all scars can be seen. And this is why I cannot “just get it over it,” any of it until I learn to process each individual event. And that takes time. As John Lennon sang in “Beautiful Boy,” “life is what happens when you are busy making plans,” originally attributed to writer Allen Saunders.
Paul's Heart 