Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “January, 2013”

There Is Something I Need To Tell You


In my younger days, some of the hardest decisions that I had to make when dating were:

1)     asking for a second date

2)     snagging that first kiss, or not to

3)     going for it

When it came to relationships, I have usually been up front and completely transparent.  What you saw was what you got.  I never pretended to be someone that I was not.  When dating or committed to a relationship, it is almost always the same routine.  Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girls falls in love with boy.  They have lots of fun, and then either get married or move on.

Most aspects of a relationship are obvious:  looks, personality, status, etc.  But what happens when you carry something that has the potential to scare a potential partner away?  How and when do you tell someone that you are on a first date with, or would like to date that you had/have cancer?

My first wife found out that I had cancer when we were engaged.  We went through the experience with each other.  Though I offered her the chance to get out, she stayed.  With the cancer behind me, our marriage lasted about nine more years.  Under normal circumstances, beginning a social life in my mid-30′s, with a history of cancer, and side effects that would have to be recognized as it would impact any family plans with another significant other.

My current wife, Wendy, knew my cancer history before we dated.  She knew that I had been cancer free for over ten years.  She also knew that I would be unable to get her pregnant because of the one chemotherapy drug.  We were co-workers and friends before we decided to pursue a more serious relationship.  There was no awkwardness of “Hey, I had cancer” any more than the awkwardness of the first kiss.  But had it not been for Wendy, I often wonder if I would have, or could have had another relationship.

But what if I had not made the decision to date Wendy?  What if Wendy had made the decision not to date me?  Admittedly, I was damaged goods.  In fact, what if Wendy had known (note – I had no idea of my future health issues either) that I had the possibility of needing heart surgery because of my cancer treatments?

I have no intention of wanting to date again and be faced with having to tell someone “Hey, I had cancer, and now all this other stuff is happening like heart surgery and other issues.”  Do I mention it before I ask someone out?  Do I bring it up on the first date during dinner?  Or is it pillow talk after I discover that she really likes me?

Cancer (and other health issues) does not define who we are.  As a survivor I need to be accepted for who I am, not how I got here.  It would make things much more complicated by keeping things a secret.  Unless I would be planning on a platonic relationship, my shirt would eventually come off, revealing two six inches scars, one over my abdomen, and one over my chest.  And I would probably be left with a lot of explaining to do why I waited until that moment to say “Hey, by the way…”

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner


I am not comparing myself to Jennifer Gray, but I definitely do not take kindly when I am told I cannot do something, must not do something, or will not do something.  As a small child does when you give the warning “noooo” and the child looks at you while reaching for the forbidden activity, defiance rules.

After I had completed my cancer treatments, I had just one goal, to lose the sixty pounds that I gained.  Yes, I gained weight while on chemo.  I had my mind made up, through exercise and diet (a really bad one), I committed to a daily regimen and got my physique back to my pre-cancer condition.

Following my heart surgery, I could not wait to begin physical therapy.  The surgery had taken so much out of me in just a matter of days, but again I was not going to take “no” for an answer.  I completed my cardiac rehab taking any opportunity that I could, when my trainer was not watching, to test my limits.  Again, I was determined to get back to my condition that I was in before the surgery.  Repeated warnings about heavy weight training went ignored, all because I was told I shouldn’t do it.

But something happened after that.  My body started to reject my efforts.  Other issues that had developed over the years, along with my cardiac issues, finally started to make themselves present.   And with that, came the warnings, “you shouldn’t do that”, “you mustn’t do that”, “you can’t do that.”

You see, while I recognize my cancer anniversary every year, currently standing at 22 years, each year, side effects from radiation and chemo have been wreaking havoc on my body.  Decades ago, cancer patients were not expected to live more than five or so years.  But now many live decades and beyond.  And if a patient is fortunate enough as I am, I can find out why my body has begun to feel the way that it does.

With the recognition of the damage has come two things.  The first is the reality that the damage cannot be reversed or cured.  It can be slowed down, but is something that will continue to worsen or develop.  But the second thing is that I have been warned that I could actually make things worse by not heeding my bodies cries for rest.  Pushing my body too hard could actually make my health issues worsen or even devastating. 

“You cannot do this.  You must not do that.  You should not do this.”

So unlike the past, I finally listened to the negative.  I finally quit fighting.  Emotionally it has taken its toll.  I am at a crossroad.  Physically my body is failing because mentally I am allowing it.  Actually it is my attitude making a bad situation worse.

Tonight, I made a change.  I have finally made the decision that I am going to fight again.  I realize the risks involved at making some things worse.  But as I completed my first night, once again I felt like I was fighting.  I was not letting the things I am dealing with decide for me how I am going to be defined.  I am going to be careful as I do not want to get hurt.  But until my body has finally had enough, I am not going to live that way.

We Need You Not To Be Sick Just A Little Longer


I get sick to my stomach even typing the word “discrimination”.  Unfortunately, as a cancer survivor, cardiac patient, immune supressed, etc., you get the idea, I have had decades of exposure to the act of being turned just because.

As a child, I was short, a bit of a pudge, dressed kind of nerdy, okay so not much different forty years later, get off my back.  But in 1990 after completing my chemotherapy, I made a decision that it was time to start looking for a better job, one with benefits, and of course more income.

For a reason that baffles me today, I chose to work for an insurance company.  Well, I never really got to work for them.  There was all kinds of hoops that I had to jump through to get hired.  There were certifications and training, and lots of reading.  And for the first time as an applicant, they wanted me to undergo a physical.  I considered it an odd request for becoming a salesman, but went along with it.

Everything had been going well with my studies and I was getting ready to start getting my certification.  The physical went very well also, as I expected nothing less.  I was extremely attentive to my health once I was done with treatments.  So everything seemed to be pretty much in order.  And then the phone call came.

“Mr. Edelman.  Jim DeStefano here from Nationblech Insurance.  I just got off the phone with our office out in western Pennsylvania, and while you have been doing great with all the studies and tests, our office would be a lot more comfortable hiring you if you were in remission from your cancer a bit longer.”

It was one thing for me to get turned down for life insurance because I was considered too fresh of a risk, or health insurance because of pre-existing conditions.  After all, it was the 1990′s and what did our country care about insuring our sick in spite of the fact that is what insurance is for.  But without employment, I could not even afford to see a doctor even with insurance.

Since this post is about discrimination, spoiler alert.  I introduced Nationblech Insurance to the Americans With Disabilities Act which had only recently come into law, which prevents an employer from requiring a physical as a condition of hire.  In other words, I meet every qualification for the job, and as long as I am healthy with the physical, the job should be mine.  I took this company to the Pennsylvania Labor Commission where they were told to change their hiring practice immediately on the local level, and then long story short, pass it on to national.

Employment discrimination is not the only form of discrimination that I have faced.  Of course, I am damaged goods when it comes to any kind of health or life insurance as I am considered too much of a risk with all of my health issues.  I am treated differently by my employer as my absences for my frequent doctor appointments and occasional flareups, are considered an inconvenience.  Co-workers actually concern themselves and believe that I am treated more favorably, or that I am a burden on their work assignments.  There are more examples that I can give, but truth be told, I do not really give it much thought any more after two decades of being treated as if I were an inconvenience.  I know that I am not.

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