Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the day “January 6, 2013”

Hodgkin’s Disease – In The Beginning


Four words in the form of a question I always get asked,  “How did you know?”

Up until my 22nd birthday, I had really only ever had one experience with cancer personally, and that was my Grandmother.  She had beaten breast cancer and was doing well.  The only other mention of cancer, was hearing that someone had died from it.

I was engaged (to my eventual ex-wife) with a little more than six months to go until the wedding.  There was not any feeling that something was wrong.  It was rare that my doctors would ever see me other than for an annual shot to help me deal with seasonal allergies.

It was just by chance that I had reached my hand up to the back of my neck to scratch a spot that was not really all that itchy, just enough to get noticed.  There it was, just two inches below my left ear, a huge lump about the size of an inch in diameter.  For the life of me, I swear it just popped up.  I never noticed it before.  But it was not normal.  So, I went to the doctor.  He felt due to its location, it was not a concern, probably a swollen node from perhaps the common cold.  Given the title of this post, I am sure you must be thinking “what kind of !@#$^@&#!!!! doctor was seeing”?  Just hold on for a brief moment longer.

The doctor put me on Naprosin, which is an anti-inflammatory, which actually did the trick and reduced the node in my neck.  But alone with the prescription, he did not want me playing any basketball or volleyball, really nothing athletic to give my body enough rest.  Odd orders for something compared to the common cold.  But once that was done, I went full tilt trying to get my body back into the swing of activities, exercise, weights, and of course, the games.

Almost immediately, I developed a very wierd painful tightness under my left arm when I extended it.  I cannot explain it, but I was upset with my doctor over all this, that it must have been his fault that ordering me rest for those couple of weeks made me susceptable to an injury.  So a co-worker had recommended that I go see his doctor who was pretty good at dealing with injuries.

I was only there briefly when he recommended seeing an oncologist.  I had no idea what that was, but agreed to go see it.  Upon entering the office, I still had not idea what discipline of medicine it was, but with all the fancy equipment, there is no way this was any simple office visit.  The doctor, who resembled Jeffrey Goldblum as The Fly, had barely walked into the office I was put in, not an exam room, not even shaking my hand, and begun to tell me about Hodgkin’s Disease.

HOLD ON A F*CKIN MINUTE!!!  Hodgkin’s Disease?!?  I had heard of it, not sure how, but no, no way.  I had a sports injury.  He obviously has me mixed up with someone else.  I was ready to bolt out of the office, but somehow he convinced me to at least an examination, which I conceded to.  Of course, then for whatever reason, he explained he need to… well… take his finger and go where no one has ever gone before.  When I protested and questioned the reason, he said to check for blood in the stool.  To which I warned him that the only blood he would see, would be his own if he attempted it.  So he does the digital, and now I cannot figure out which has me pissed off more, going in my out door or trying to tell me I had something bad, real bad.  He insisted on investigating the lump in my neck, which had resumed growing.  I said that I was there for my sports injury, not my neck.  He wanted to do a biopsy.  I wanted to do a quick exit.

So, six second opinions later, the final by a sports facility who ruled out the sports injury definitely, and then recommended that I get the biopsy done.

Within the next two weeks, the biopsy was done, and the preliminary diagnsosis was made.  Hodgkin’s Disease, Nodular Sclerosing, stage of disease to be determined following further tests.

And how on earth did a doctor mistake cancer as a common cold?  Hodgkin’s is a very difficult cancer to diagnose, as far as recognizing it.  There was nothing in my bloodwork to offer any clue, and x-rays and CT scans were negative.  But it was noted in journals, that Hodgkin’s was often misdiagnosed as a common cold by general practitioners.

The Happy Golden


When we first bought Pollo, he was 8 weeks old, this little ball of energetic blonde  fur.  He was a golden retriever, and from the time he came home, his tail has always wagged.  In the eleven years with Wendy and I, and eight years with our daughters, he has never been want for attention and affection.  All he expected was to be fed, have his stomach rubbed, and occasionally allowed to swim in the pool.  The tail always wagged.  Pollo is the first pet (and I hate to call him that at this point in our lives) that I have had for its entire life.  That tail.  On the other end, is the biggest smile a dog could ever have.  You have probably seen the greeting cards with the animals with the huge bulging eyes and exagerated smiles.  That is Pollo.  Even his groomer refers to Pollo as “the happy golden”, his tail never stops wagging and a grin that never quits.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that our fine furry family member had fallen ill.  Rapidly increasing symptoms gave me just cause to take him into the vet for an emergency visit.  Pollo walked in on his own will, but something was clearly wrong.  He spent the next forty-eight hours there undergoing tests and observation.  I received a call early Sunday morning that his symptoms had cleared up and was good to go home.  It has been a long and emotional weekend, not great company for long distance visitors who came up from Viriginia to spend some time.

An exam room door opened and there was that smile and wagging tail.  He saw me and wants to come home.  And in that same moment, he collapses.  The vet reacts that it must be the slippery floors and he cannot get his footing.  I just wanted to get him home.  I got him outside, and walked him to the grass, collapsing every two or three steps.  The final time, as he lay, a puddle of urine appears from under his belly.  Something is horribly wrong.

We get him back in to the building, and x-rays and bloodwork are ordered.  We are approaching a very unwanted territory, “how much do we afford to go” with not having pet insurance?  Everything is coming back negative, but he cannot stand up.  We made the decision to talk him home.  If anything were to happen, he would die at home.  Over the next several days, we confined him to our den, not having to deal with any steps.  It looked so hopeless.  We had to do everything for him.  Put his feed and water bowl right under his nose.  Standing up without our assistance as a major goal, so far from where we are.  On Tuesday, I call our regular vet for his opinion.  Alright, I was calling him to see if he would consider euthanasia.  Pollo was getting better only barely.  We spoke on the phone for near half an hour,  but not one time did he ever mention putting him down.  “It’s going to take time to recover.”  It was hard to keep him confined to the one room in our house to prevent any further injury by slipping on our hardwood floors.  It was sad just to see him lay there nearly every minute of every day, unable and unwilling to do anything.  And so, from that moment, I put everything into making that dog get well.  I take care of animals for a living.  But now, my skills would be recheaching a value of reward to me that had no reason to be hoped to be seen.

Each day brought a new measure, eating, walking, standing, laying down, get up into a sitting position, lifting himself which he is now doing 75% alone.  I still get to hear his heavy sighs which means you know he is relaxed.  His tail at 12 years old still won’t stop wagging.  He is now trotting across the yard.  I have gotten so much time with my friend, Pollo.  We get to take walks again as he gets excited to see his leash.  I miss him when we go away which fortunately we don’t travel great distances.  To have him at the vet hospital for those few days left a huge hole in our house.

I am so thankful to everyone for offering prayers of hope and recovery, Dr. Wagner and Dr. Alvwerniri.  I am going to be spending yet more time with my “box of rocks”.

I’m A Dad


Chemotherapy took away any opportunity to have children.  It was one drug in particular.  Had they given me less, future research even confirmed, fertility would be spared.  Still having the desire to have a baby with my 1st wife, those plans fell through quick than a piano being lowered out the window onto a clueless Wile E. Coyote.  The long story short, she did not want to have them and waited 14 years to tell me.  My marriaged ended on this lie, leading me to believe that someday I would become a dad.  All I ever wanted.

Almost immediately, and historically, I hooked up with my eventual wife.  All the awkwardness was out of the way.  She was looking for a relationship so that she could be a good Catholic mom,  I was looking to move on to yet another woman as I have issues with being alone.  Together, we discussed our options with me shooting blanks, no chips in the cookie dough, etc.  In spite of her Catholic upbringing, Wendy was willing to try scientific means.  Of course, we had to confirm my guys were definitely dead, which they were.  After all the testing, together we went through 6 rounds of artificial insemination in an attempt to get pregnant,  Some of the procedures left us feeling hopeful, this might be the time, only to be disappointed.  When those came to a junction to “what’s next” it was going to be the more expensive in vitro process.  The problem with that, we only had one financial shot.  We had talked about adopting, but nothing was final.  Until now.

My fertility issues had been resolved long ago, but nothing had been diagnosed with Wendy yet.  But she needed to make a decision without that closure.  In a calm voice, I simply asked, “Wendy, do you want to a mom, or do you want to give birth?  With one choice, both might happen, but neight might also,  But you can be a mom by adopting.  Is the issue that you are looking for all the pregnancy symptoms just to say you did it?  Or do you want to hold the baby in your arms?

We made the decision to adopt.  We found a local agency who held an informational meeting.  But there was a special guest, her name was Lily Grace.  But we fell in love with her instantly.  We were going to adopt from China.  Much paperwork later, a lot of money, we were standing in the notary office in Nanchang and little Fu Shu Ting was being placed in the arms of Jiangxi Family 7 – us.  The emotions were so overwhelming.  So this is what it feels like emotionally to give birth.  I know there can be no comparison, but for me, two minutes went by and Wendy and I  both looked at each other “We are definitely going to do this again”.  And we did, nearly two years later we had our second daughter.

Tomorrow, both start their new grades in school.  I have tried to prepare them, that it will be a little harder, which means a little harder effort at home.  But this is going to be the fun period throwing Science and Social Studies into the mix.  We have their back packs packed and ready to go.  I hope this year goes slower.  Their teachers are always so good and my daughters love having them for teachers.

I’m a dad!  I love being a dad!

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