Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the day “January 6, 2013”

06 Jan 2013

An Exciting Day


In February of 2011, I made my first attempt at running for public office.  I ran for our local school board.  Due to a controversial contract negotation tactic, my opinion of teachers and the support they truly deserve and the crap they do not, changed.  I attended meetings and continued to follow the actions of our school board and decided that their actions were not what best represented my children.  An opportunity came up to serve on the board, when a board member resigned in the middle of her term.  Long story short and another post on this issue, I was one of 16 others who were not even interviewed because the replacement had already been decided.

I keep my opinions of my politics to myself, just as I do religion.  I do not discuss them with family or friends because unfortunately, these are often relationship-busters.  But that does not mean that I cannnot be publicly involved in them.  Along with four others, we ran a very clean campaign for five school board seats.  Two of my mates won, the other two and myself lost by a total of nearly 500 votes, which is miniscule in a district of 90,000+ voters.

Running as a candidate was exciting.  I could have done without the negative crap that seems to accompany politics, especially for school board.  As a result of my candidacy, I have been a participant now assisting our local election poll for the last three elections.  There is a certain pride and appreciation for being involved in a process that so many sacrificed so much so that we could be free to have this right.

Today and this evening, was perhaps the biggest election I have been involved with.  It was a near record setting for a turnout with the presidential election at stake.  Pushing a turnout with numbers close to 90% in our area, this election definitely got the attention that it sought.  Activity at the polls was constant and busy.  The results locally were indeed close. 

Unfortunately, there is the negative aspect of the behavior of several voters.  I watched as a fellow poll worker was given a “nazi salute” with a verbal diatribe slamming our current president.  Several voters passed by me as I proved I do not have ESP and had no idea what party they supported, and dared to hand them my party’s sample ballot.  Their responses were just as disappointing.  Instead of just a simple and courteous “no thank you”, instead there was lots of teeth-sucking noises, gut wrenching sounds, and comments such as “get real” or “you’re insane”.

The election will be closed in less than a half hour.  But here at home, the polls have been closed for over two and a half hours.  We will have a president within the next 24 hours, and our country needs to move forward no matter who it is.  I am hoping that tomorrow, our country can finally begin to realize how great it is, that we can elect our leaders, and how we got the opportunity to do so.

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06 Jan 2013

There Is Something I Need To Tell You


In my younger days, some of the hardest decisions that I had to make when dating were:

1)     asking for a second date

2)     snagging that first kiss, or not to

3)     going for it

When it came to relationships, I have usually been up front and completely transparent.  What you saw was what you got.  I never pretended to be someone that I was not.  When dating or committed to a relationship, it is almost always the same routine.  Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girls falls in love with boy.  They have lots of fun, and then either get married or move on.

Most aspects of a relationship are obvious:  looks, personality, status, etc.  But what happens when you carry something that has the potential to scare a potential partner away?  How and when do you tell someone that you are on a first date with, or would like to date that you had/have cancer?

My first wife found out that I had cancer when we were engaged.  We went through the experience with each other.  Though I offered her the chance to get out, she stayed.  With the cancer behind me, our marriage lasted about nine more years.  Under normal circumstances, beginning a social life in my mid-30′s, with a history of cancer, and side effects that would have to be recognized as it would impact any family plans with another significant other.

My current wife, Wendy, knew my cancer history before we dated.  She knew that I had been cancer free for over ten years.  She also knew that I would be unable to get her pregnant because of the one chemotherapy drug.  We were co-workers and friends before we decided to pursue a more serious relationship.  There was no awkwardness of “Hey, I had cancer” any more than the awkwardness of the first kiss.  But had it not been for Wendy, I often wonder if I would have, or could have had another relationship.

But what if I had not made the decision to date Wendy?  What if Wendy had made the decision not to date me?  Admittedly, I was damaged goods.  In fact, what if Wendy had known (note – I had no idea of my future health issues either) that I had the possibility of needing heart surgery because of my cancer treatments?

I have no intention of wanting to date again and be faced with having to tell someone “Hey, I had cancer, and now all this other stuff is happening like heart surgery and other issues.”  Do I mention it before I ask someone out?  Do I bring it up on the first date during dinner?  Or is it pillow talk after I discover that she really likes me?

Cancer (and other health issues) does not define who we are.  As a survivor I need to be accepted for who I am, not how I got here.  It would make things much more complicated by keeping things a secret.  Unless I would be planning on a platonic relationship, my shirt would eventually come off, revealing two six inches scars, one over my abdomen, and one over my chest.  And I would probably be left with a lot of explaining to do why I waited until that moment to say “Hey, by the way…”

Posted in Adoption, Cancer, Family and Friends | Leave a comment
06 Jan 2013

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner


I am not comparing myself to Jennifer Gray, but I definitely do not take kindly when I am told I cannot do something, must not do something, or will not do something.  As a small child does when you give the warning “noooo” and the child looks at you while reaching for the forbidden activity, defiance rules.

After I had completed my cancer treatments, I had just one goal, to lose the sixty pounds that I gained.  Yes, I gained weight while on chemo.  I had my mind made up, through exercise and diet (a really bad one), I committed to a daily regimen and got my physique back to my pre-cancer condition.

Following my heart surgery, I could not wait to begin physical therapy.  The surgery had taken so much out of me in just a matter of days, but again I was not going to take “no” for an answer.  I completed my cardiac rehab taking any opportunity that I could, when my trainer was not watching, to test my limits.  Again, I was determined to get back to my condition that I was in before the surgery.  Repeated warnings about heavy weight training went ignored, all because I was told I shouldn’t do it.

But something happened after that.  My body started to reject my efforts.  Other issues that had developed over the years, along with my cardiac issues, finally started to make themselves present.   And with that, came the warnings, “you shouldn’t do that”, “you mustn’t do that”, “you can’t do that.”

You see, while I recognize my cancer anniversary every year, currently standing at 22 years, each year, side effects from radiation and chemo have been wreaking havoc on my body.  Decades ago, cancer patients were not expected to live more than five or so years.  But now many live decades and beyond.  And if a patient is fortunate enough as I am, I can find out why my body has begun to feel the way that it does.

With the recognition of the damage has come two things.  The first is the reality that the damage cannot be reversed or cured.  It can be slowed down, but is something that will continue to worsen or develop.  But the second thing is that I have been warned that I could actually make things worse by not heeding my bodies cries for rest.  Pushing my body too hard could actually make my health issues worsen or even devastating. 

“You cannot do this.  You must not do that.  You should not do this.”

So unlike the past, I finally listened to the negative.  I finally quit fighting.  Emotionally it has taken its toll.  I am at a crossroad.  Physically my body is failing because mentally I am allowing it.  Actually it is my attitude making a bad situation worse.

Tonight, I made a change.  I have finally made the decision that I am going to fight again.  I realize the risks involved at making some things worse.  But as I completed my first night, once again I felt like I was fighting.  I was not letting the things I am dealing with decide for me how I am going to be defined.  I am going to be careful as I do not want to get hurt.  But until my body has finally had enough, I am not going to live that way.

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