Paul's Heart

It’s Not The Cold, It’s The Gloom

My mother and my daughters recently visited with me in my Florida home.  What they returned back to was almost cruel.  In Florida, the weather was a very comfortable low 80’s, and nothing but sunlight.  Just days after they returned back to Pennsylvania, the area got walloped with over 31 inches of snow.

Of course with my health, I can only breath a sigh of relief that I do not have to deal with shoveling large amounts of snow, or deal with extreme cold temperatures.  And while the initial impact of the snowfall is quite beautiful, after the novelty wears off, reality sets in.

It is a phenomenon that I saw first hand in the Spring of 2014.  I picked up a friend from the Philadelphia airport in March, who had come to visit my dying father.  She came from Florida.  In just moments from leaving the terminal, the expression on her face changed as her view of the overcast skies, brown and barren trees, simply changed her mood to one of gloom.  And I am not talking about her pending visit with my father either.  She had just flown in from a place where the climate was still warm, and very sunny.  It was like watching air released from a balloon.

I really could not understand what I was witnessing, because the Pennsylvania overcast winter climate was all that I knew.  That is, until after I moved to Florida.  My first visit back home was in November later that year.  Coincidently, the area had been hit with an early snow storm.  And while initially I was dreading the cold, and possibly the snow, in just months, I had grown acclimated to the sunny climate of Florida.  It happened, the overcast skies caused an immediate change in my mood.  I had never experienced anything like it.

The skies remained overcast the entire weekend visit.  And the dreariness in my mood remained.  Upon my return to the airport, and I kid you not, a single ray of sunshine was piercing through the skies.  And from the highway, I could see that it was pointing right to the airport.

Do I miss the drastic changes of seasons up north?  Do I miss the changing leaves?  Do I miss snow?  We actually do have changing seasons down here in Florida.  I do miss a day up in the Pocono mountains to smell Fall.  And yes, I do miss the silent beauty of a snowfall.  But you know what I do not miss?  Constant overcast skies.

Upcoming Projects

I know my posts have been few lately.  It is not that I am short of stories, I have close to 300 in my cue that I have started.  But I am working on a few projects that I hope will take “Paul’s Heart” to the next level.

Yes, I am hoping to hit the social media with a video version of “Paul’s Heart”.  I am also working on my next chapter to be submitted to the annual Visible Ink book published via Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  Earlier this year, the chapter that I submitted and was published last year, was performed live in Manhattan.  So, I really want to concentrate to try and continue the quality submissions, which get shared here, once the book is published.

Finally, I have completed an interview with a researcher who is using a technology now available in the care of following up patients with cardiac issues.  This is especially important to patients who are being given chemotherapy that has history of affecting the heart.  Because this is such an important piece, I am taking my time putting everything together, because with “Paul’s Heart”, I want that story to go viral.  As a patient, in today’s medical world, we have to be our best advocate, because we have no choice.  This knowledge that I will be sharing with everyone is huge.  And there will be video footage of the interview as well.

So sit back, look back through some of the past posts and pages.  The big story is coming real soon.

I Can’t Wait For Christmas!!

Anyone who knows me personally, after seeing the title of this post, has probably thought, “okay, Paul has finally lost it.”  I am normally quite strict about the time frame for recognizing the Christmas season.  But this year it is different.

Before I get started, I need to preface with this, I have a lot of health issues, some quite serious.  I have good days, and I have bad days.  But it was a conversation that I once had with my late brother-in-law that taught me, there will be days when I need to give myself a break.  We were at the dinner table, and both of us were dealing with swallowing issues related to our health.  My issues were related to radiation damage from cancer treatments.  His issue was related to Lou Gehrig’s Disease.  The key difference, he was going to eventually pass away from his disease.  We both were having swallowing difficulties.  But it was as he saw me struggle, and then me just trying to “suck it up” and hide what I was going through, he made the following comment to me.  “Look, yes, I am going to die, and just because you may not die from yours, that does not make the issues you are going through any less real, or painful.  You need to cut yourself some slack.”

And so it goes with this post.  This past Sunday was Father’s Day.  For the first time in my life, I was not with my daughters on Father’s Day.  Let’s be clear, I was legally kept from being with my daughters as a result of my ongoing divorce process.  Now for those in my life who think that my current residence has anything to do with not being allowed to see my children, absolutely not.  If I were living next door to them right now, I would not have been able to be with them.  There are a couple of processes under way right now to correct this situation which would have allowed me to be with my daughters, but other than my estranged wife and I agreeing to let the processes work out, which has not happened, I have no choice but to wait for the two systems go their course.  Were my daughters sad they could not be with me?  Sure they were.  Was I sad?  I was devastated.

I assured my daughters this was the last year that I was going to let another holiday or event go by without being allowed to be with them.  And just as I mentioned the health reference, the situation with custody with my daughters seemed very similar to keep in perspective.

First, my daughters are adopted from a foreign land.  They never knew either parent.  They never got to know their foster parents, though I have information for them when they are older to pursue this knowledge if they so choose.  My daughters have suffered huge losses already in their lives, never to be replaced.

I have several friends and family members who have lost a child.  Every year, Father’s Day comes around, and all it does is remind of a permanent loss.  For some children, on holidays such as Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, the loss of a parent also is a solemn day, rather than a Hallmark and FTD windfall occasion.  Just last year, my father passed away from lung cancer.

That being said, my heart goes out to everyone who has suffered such permanent losses.  And yes, the time that I have lost with my daughters is only temporary, and cannot compare to the death of a loved one.  But that does not mean that the pain that my daughters and I feel is any less real, or any less expected.

So now I look forward.  With the last of the special holidays taken away from me over the past year, I have my sights set on the Christmas season.  I have to let the processes I mentioned earlier to work out, and unfortunately, as I explain to my daughters, “grown ups some times take a long time to decide on things.”  It is still a long way, but I have dealt with far worse, for longer periods of time.  And just like that, I can deal with this also.  All I want for Christmas is to hold my daughters again.