Paul's Heart

Daddy, I Don’t Feel So Good

There are many responsibilities that I volunteered for when I made the decision to be a dad.  I have the confidence that I can protect my daughters from bullies in school.  Any dates that my daughters bring home will go through me.  I have to make sure that they both receive the best education and learn life’s lessons so that they can succeed as adults.  I can cook for them, do their laundry, and love spending time with them any chance that I get.

Prior to their adoptions, Wendy and I were dealing with a medical issue in the Emergency Room of our local hospital for an allergic reaction to an antibiotic.  It was fairly quiet that evening.  But that was about to change.  A gurney rushed by our room.  On it was a small girl with her father by her side.  I am not sure what was wrong, but within moments, I would find out how in spite of everything that I had been planning for in our pending adoption, there was one thing I was not prepared for in fatherhood.

No sooner had a resident passed my room, I heard a curtain being drawn shut.  And then, “DADDYYYYYY!  NOOOOO!!!  THEY’RE HURTING ME!!!!  MAKE THEM STOP!!!!  DON’T LET THEM DO THIS TO ME!!!  HELP ME DADDYYYYYY!!!  This poor child, screaming at the top of her lungs in hysterics for protection by her father.  I have no idea what was being done, but could have been something as simple as a blood draw.  In any case, something immediately hit me, “my God, I am not prepared to hear my child scream in blood terror and hysterics and pain.”

Fortunately, in our eight years with each other, niether Madison or Emmalie have really ever tested my ability to tolerate that level of drama.  I am lucky that both of our daughters rarely get sick, and in general do not complain about pain or discomfort.  We credit this to a decision that we made a long time ago, to let our children tell us when they were not feeling well.  If either fell, we were not going to be the ones fussing over them telling them that they must be hurting.  We let them tell us.  Even with colds and sinus infections, or worse, we usually have no idea when it is too much for them until obvious behaviors become evident.  Emmalie does not talk much when she is not feeling well.  This is in stark contrast to her usually energy level.  Also, she does not do without asking for at least a snack every hour.  Madison is the same way when it comes to food, but instead of a talking issue, Madison does not socialize as much when she is not feeling well.

So when it comes that we actually hear, “my belly hurts”, in general, we have no reason to think otherwise that something is wrong, and usually there is.  However, Wendy and I have discovered that both girls have a very keen ability to manipulate, not just us, but others around them.  They know how to play Wendy and I against each other, or other relatives against us.  Madison is smart enough to realize what needs to happen in order to be diagnosed as sick.  It has happened once or twice that Madison has pulled this drama on unsuspecting victims only to be revealed by me as “father knows best”.  Originally I can come off as an uncaring ogre, but as I blow the whistle, and she realizes that her cover has been exposed, she switches over to damage control.  When she realizes that she cannot continue to function in her day as “business as usual” because of her sickness, and the day is not going to go as planned, she has occasionally come to the conclusion, she needs what medicine cannot provide, a miracle.

I love telling the story of one of her most powerful abilities which if she is within earshot, you will never see a child’s grin any greater and sincere.  One evening sitting at the dinner table, Madison leads the discussion with a request for an iguana for a pet, no warning or reason offered.  Now, I am an animal lover.  I prefer dogs, but all animals are welcome in our house.  But our house is not to be confused as some sort of zoo or wildlife refuge.  So, since our animal population is already fairly high, it was really quite easy to say “no” as I am easily able to do.  Madison and Emmalie both often refer to me as the “NO Daddy” as for no reason at all, the majority of the time, when asked for something materialistic in nature, I will say no.  My attitude is better to surprise them with a “yes” than disappoint them with a “no”  For instance, I do not always carry quarters in my pocket and stores insist of having those impulse toy and candy dispensers at the exits of the store.  I generally say “no”, and this way there is no issue, but when I say “yes”, they are definitely surprised.

And so, I proceed to punctuate Madison’s request with a period in the form of “no”.  Of course the conversation went to the “why not” and then alternative lizards and such, all of which ended with the same result, “no”.  Realizing that I was putting up much more of a difficult resistance than she had planned, she resorted to a new level of attack, drama.  Wendy and I have been lucky in that neither girls have really ever thrown a tantrum at home or in public.  This was always something that I dreaded happening, because simply, if I am out with Wendy without the kids, the last thing I want is to hear someone else’s.  But Madison decided that she wanted the iguana turned chameleon turned turtle bad enough that she now had to pull out all the stops.

Her look changed from very innocent to one of disappointment.  Which then changed to anxiety as she could tell my answer was firm, and Mommy was not jumping in to help her out.  Still having no effect on changing our minds, her face muscles clearly got tense and began to flex.  She looked like she was getting angry.  Just seconds later her face started to swell and  I could tell what was about to happen.  Her eyes started to well up, and then it happened, the first tear fell.  This was going to finally get Wendy to cave in as I was still holding my ground.  I just kept hoping to myself that Wendy would hold out, just give it a minute or two, and Madison will stop and give in.  To my surprise, Wendy was not responding as immediately as I thought she would.  Then we saw just how smart and talented our oldest daughter truly is.  With tears now streaming out of her eyes full force, she then bursts into laughter.  Wendy and I have confirmed it, that Madison is the queen of manipulation.

So I gave her recognition and admiration for the level of skill and performance that someone of her age should have accomplished.  Her response?  “That’s not all I can do”.  This was two years ago when Madison was seven years ago.  We cannot underestimate either girl in what they are capable of accomplishing, but then again, I could not be any more proud of how smart they are.  I still have time to prepare, but I think in the long run, daddy’s little girl will eventually prevail.

Today, Madison is home from school sick, complaints of stomach discomfort and nausea.  Yesterday and the day before, Emmy was home from school for the exact same thing, only provided the proof.  Though clearly not a fun day in the house today, because I am taking care of her in her time of illness, if she is playing me, she knows that she has not put enough thought into it.  On the other hand, if I am wrong, then I should be glad I am not having to clean anything up or off.  That would be another and different adventure and blog.

What I Want My Daughters To Know

• I love both of you unconditionally, and without end.  Without either of you in my life, I would consider my life empty and incomplete.
• I took no great enjoyment in being “dad” with rules, but am confident that I have prepared you for the world the best that I could. Your education was the most important thing next to love that I could give you.
• I wanted and chose to spend every waking hour that I had with you.  The only time that I spent away from you was to support you, provide for you, and protect you.
• I remember everything thing you did, everything you tried, everything you liked.
• The happiest moments in my life, was the day each of you were placed in my arms.
• I am scared for the day you tell me, “Dad, Matthew asked me out.”
• I will be there for both of you for all of your lives.  I will never judge you.  I need you to know and trust that you can come to me.
• I am sorry that you had to be exposed to so many health issues for me.  But I got through each crisis knowing that I had to come home to you.
• I expect hugs from both of you, no matter how old you are.
• I want both of you to love each other, be best friends to each other as well as sisters.
• You will always be able to come back home.
• I Love You Both!

My Dad

I can literally count on one hand, the number of people that I admire.  One of those people is my father.  This is not really a surprise statement for a son to make.  But to me, and to  my dad, it is not something that had been planned.

I grew up in a split home, my parents divorced when I was three.  It was a stereotypical divorce, nasty, and controversial child custody battle.  To add to this tension, visitations were very infrequent, every other weekend as mandated by the courts.  According to my mother, he could visit any time during the week that he wanted, but it never happened.  And so it became fodder as I grew up hating him.  It culminated with my high school graduation, which he chose not to attend.  It had become the final straw as I warned him, there could be no excuse if he missed my graduation.

My whole senior year in high school, a dear friend of mine had always encouraged me to make amends with him, to not be so hard on him.  I could not possibly be aware of all the circumstances that might be behind his decisions.  After the empty seat at my graduation, as far as I was concerned it was done.

A couple of years passed by, when I was invited to a special occasion.  After years together, my dad decided to marry my stepmother.  I was invited to the wedding, and accepted again at the urging of another friend.  Later that evening, my father reached out to me, with the most heartfelt apology I  may ever have received in my life.  He expressed that he could not make up for the past that he was not there for, but wanted the opportunity to be a part of my life now.  This was a huge moment to us as it definitely was the beginning of a new relationship, and a new perspective of the man I would once again call “dad”.

As many children of divorce can attest to, when we get raised by one parent, there is a tendency to only be able to hear one side of the story.  It was no exception for me.  It would be emphasized by other family members as well.  But in all the years that my dad and I made amends, never, NEVER has he ever made any comment about my mother.  To this day, even at age 46, I still have no idea what led to my parents get divorced.  Wendy does not understand this, but I really do not want to know.  It can only harm what I have left.  It would have no impact on Wendy or our daughters.  Better left alone.  The fact is, we had the opportunity to change our relationship, and it was one of the best decisions in my life.

A tragedy would occur just days before Christmas many years ago.  Following an argument, my stepmother walked out of the house, my father following behind her by several steps.  I was not there when it happened, but I could view the accident of the car careening into my stepmother as she crossed the darkened street.  My sister-in-law called me later that evening to tell me the news.  Her injuries were severe and life threatening.  She faced months of medical support and care and rehab until one day, should would eventually be released either home, or into a home.  Part punitive, guilt, and commitment to “better or worse, sickness and health”, my father chose to care for my stepmother in his home.

Decades have passed.  They still live together in their small and modest house.  Several years ago, my father had a very severe heart attack while at work, putting my stepmother’s care at risk.  He survived yet another crisis and was back caring for her again.  Just as my father, I am currently in my second marriage.  I too have faced several severe crisis in my life.  But it is my father that I admire most for his dedication and commitment to my stepmother.  In spite of the odds and the challenges, he has been there for her every day and every night.  He does so lovingly, never, NEVER complaining about it.  We speak several times a week, usually by his phone call to me, to check up on me and see that I am okay because of everything I deal with health-wise.  He wants to spend time with his grandchildren and does a great job as “pop pop”, something I never had the chance to experience from him as a parent.  For all the people who have made discoveries, achieved levels of personal rewards, leaders of government, it is my dad that is one of the most courageous, dedicated, admirable people anyone would ever be blessed to meet.