Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the category “Bullying”

18 Feb 2013

A Relay Of Life


There is one thing that drives my doctors bat-crap crazy, is the schedule that I keep.  My friends and family enjoy it because it personally affects them without any regard for me, unless for some reason, I am not able to make it.  An entire weekend on four to five hours of sleep is not unheard of.  You see?  I am a guy who does not like to say “no” to people, and then, when I do say “yes”, I am a man of my word.  I will be there.

There has only been one exception in my life, when I had to have my open heart surgery.  I had a wedding that I was supposed to disc jockey for just three days later which clearly I was never going to make.  I actually recalled all of the bride’s information from my bed in the ICU.  With tubes down my throat assisting me breathing so verbally unable to communicate, I spelled out everything about my client to my wife, and she was able to help the bride locate another source of entertainment.  For the record, that story had two happy endings, my survival, and her wedding went off without a hitch and a new disc jockey.

But from that moment on, and learning that my lifestyle was going to go through a major change, recognizing myself as a long term cancer survivor clearly living with severe side effects, common sense should have told me that I need to slow down.  But instead, I found the opposite effect.  I developed a need to prove that I was even more reliable.  It was one thing to refer to myself as a cancer survivor.  It is another thing to be called a heart patient survivor.  Each thing by itself results in survivorship.  But together, it is called living, not just surviving.

A relay race is a competition with several legs in it, usually consisting of several runners, swimmers, or whatever they type of competition it may be.  In the case of my life, my relay has become about stages of life:  a battle with cancer, survival, issues with late effects, survival, and hope.  These things make up my relay of life.

Many years ago, the American Cancer Society developed a fundraising program called, The Relay For Life.  This Relay over the years has become one of the biggest fundraisers in the world of cancer, helping to raise millions of dollars toward research for new cures, support services, and other life needs of cancer patients and survivors.  This event typically runs for 24 hours consisting of teams who take turns, in relay fashion, walking a track (typically a school running track) during that 24 hours.  Throughout the event, there are vendors, and the teams themselves have “themes” for their teams, and may have miniature fundraisers at their location to help raise funds for their teams.

The other outstanding events of this evening are in honor of cancer patients and survivors, and in memory of loved ones lost.  Luminaries, lit candles inside of white paper bags light the entire track with the names written in tribute to those who are battling cancer, have battled cancer and won, and those who have lost their battle to cancer.  These two ceremonial laps are the most overwhelming, meaningful, memorable activities of the night, as everyone is reminded why they are participating, and the importance.

In preparation for the Relay For Life, many teams hold other fundraisers prior to the big event itself.  I have long since retired from disc jockeying, but I am known to dust off my equipment for those holding fundraisers to help with this event as it of course holds very special meaning to me.  Some may hold carwashes, colored bracelet sales, or “beef and beer” gatherings which are just a fancy way of saying “party”.  When it comes to most charities, I have always donated my time because to me, fundraisers are all about raising funds, not spending them.  And while some businesses may get “fundraised” out, at the worst, I will offer at least an extreme discount to absorb any cost I may have, but in general, most of my charity gigs are done as that, charity.

Of course, things have not changed since my heart surgery as far as issues that have arisen with my long term survival.  Physically, I no longer consider my body reliable as I have had so many issues come up, several without warning, that have incapacited me for a decent period of time.  But because I no longer physically push myself, over time, I have lost a major part of my physical strength, leaving me unable to lift my equipment anymore, without assistance anyway.    I have to laugh, when my doctors remark about how strong I am compared to other Hodgkin’s survivors.  And I can recognize that, except I am nowhere near as strong as I used to be.  Emotionally, I am slowly coming to the realization of what is important, what I can do, and what I cannot.

So I have cut back on requiring activities that expect me to push my limits of strength as fatigue just wipes me out.  Endurance is becoming an issue as I can no longer try to squeeze in 85 hours of activity into a 96 hour weekend, just so that I can keep everyone happy who have come to depend on me, and know me for getting everything done.  The last two times that I pushed myself like that, I ran myself so down, that I made myself susceptible to two bouts of serious cases of pneumonia.  You would think I would learn from that.

However, my altruistic personality being what it is, and my strong support of the Relay For Life, I did agree to disc jockey this fundraiser for a team that will be participating in our local Relay, just two days after undergoing some internal testing.  The day before the event, my body was telling me that it was tired.  And clearly, the next night would require a lot of me physically.  But instead of telling the organizer that as feared, I was not up to it, I sucked it up and did it anyway.  When I got home, as happens often, I just collapsed with fatigue.

And so my own personal relay continues, passing the baton from one event to the next.

Posted in Bullying, Cancer, Family and Friends, Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment
06 Feb 2013

My Fight For Education


A few years ago, I made one of the most illogical decisions in my life, to run for a public office.  I had no political experience, a fairly average voting record, and the only political interest I may have had, was occasionally flipping through the channels on the television and occasionally catching bits and pieces of a biased “news” channel.  But something changed in 2009.

A new phase in my parental status was expected to begin following the Labor Day holiday.  But a huge cloud was hanging overhead.  It was a looming teacher labor crisis, common in school districts all over the country.  The climate was mirroring a similar contract negotation within our school district, which resulted in a strike then.  All that mattered to Wendy and I though was that it was Madison’s first year in school, and we had no other daycare options available if the teachers would go on strike.

And then it happened.  The announcement was made that the teachers would go on strike.  A court order mandated that the strike had not been given proper notice and the teachers return to the classrooms.  But another walk out would occur incurring the wrath of many in the district, including myself.  All I knew was that teachers make enough and only work part of the year.  Now before I hear from anyone what a jerk I was, I know it.  Like I said, this was uncharted territory for me and I was pissed off not having a firm arrangement for Madison’s care.

The media concentration on the strike was typical.  The district presenting their opinions that the teachers were being unreasonable.  The union responded that they were frustrated by the lack of understanding and consideration by the district.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I cannot say what exactly it was that caused this emotion in me, but the school board did something I considered despicable, legal, but despicable.  The board authorized the publication of every teacher and guidance counselor’s salaries in a full page color advertisement in several local newspapers.  I was infuriated.  And just like that, my support flipped completely to the side of the teachers.

This bully tactic did exactly what it was meant to do, raise the ire of the taxpayers and parents.  It is common sense that there will be a difference in salaries for teachers with one year of service and those with thirty years.  I had no idea what a teacher’s salary was, and though a matter of public record, was no business of mine.  My only concern with a teacher was educating my children.  At that moment, I had no idea what direction I would go in, but I was going to support the efforts of teachers, learn what the teachers did and the commitments nearly all make in molding our community’s future.

I followed the negotiations very carefully, and then an opportunity knocked.  Following a recent school board election, a re-elected board member decided to resign (conveniently after defeating an opposing political party opponent).  A replacement would be chosen by the board after soliciting replacement candidates.  I made the decision to put my name in.  Miraculously, a replacment had been chosen.  None of the other applicants had been contacted about the interest or resumes, but the replacement also happened to be from the same political party as the resignee and dropped out of the race prior to the primary so as not to compete with an incumbant.  Amazing what happens even when it comes to local politics.

Denied.

That following January, another opportunity came.  An information meeting was held to teach how to run for a public office, in particular, school board.  It was attended by people representing both political parties and third parties.  A couple of weeks later, I made the decision to officially run for school board.  It was an exciting experience for me.  Four others made the decision to run with me as a full slate of candidates bent on removing the bullying incumbants and restore respect and dignity within our school district.

Two of our candidates had broken the glass ceiling in being elected.  The other three of us, including me fell short of votes by less than 200.  Our efforts fell short just because enough people did not feel their votes would count.  We ran a clean campaign, and for three of us, it was our first campaign.  We had nothing to be ashamed of.  It was less than a week later, the three of us made the decision to continue the fight.  So I will run again for school board in 2013.  A lot of people question the need to do this, especially with the many health issues I have to deal with, but it is simple.

I feel right now, my most important role of being a parent, is to make sure my daughters get the best education possible.  For my wife and I, we believe in public education.  We both graduated through the public school system.  We were both successful because of our education.  A free public education is a right of our children just as it was for myself and others, and the generations before.  It is our obligation for the strength of our community (and country) to provide a strong and quality education.

There are plenty of disagreements from teacher salaries to school choice.  I no longer just look at the actual dollar figure of the teacher’s salary.  I do believe in school choice.  We should be free, and in my school district, we are free to choose from private schools, Catholic schools, even other elementary schools within the district.  And in districts where education is suffering from quality and need, charter schools originally seemed to address those concerns.  But charter schools would come at an additional expense to the district, and trickle down to my home in the form of higher taxes.  But even more hurtful, limited by state mandate, expenses of adding a charter school could not be covered completely by an equal tax increase, which result in only one thing, cuts.  Approval of a charter school in our district will not only raise our taxes, but to make up the rest of the deficit of next year’s budget, our district will have to look at cutting curriculum, programs, and staff.  This will effect my daughters’ education in a dire way.  They are too young right now to know what their future will be, but they should be offered the opportunities that I had, that everyone had to be able to recognize their potential.  And that means offering everything that is possible.  If we as a taxpayer are willing to pay a charter school to teach the programs our district is willing to cut, why cannot we keep them in the first place?  If we as taxpayers are willing to provide a smaller class size (the main argument made to support a charter school), why is our district so unwilling to make that provision within our school system?

There are plenty of other issues.  These are difficult times for education as a whole.  Budgets are strained.  Expenses rise.  But respect, quality, and responsibiltiy cannot suffer for the ill decisions made in the past.

School board director is a volunteer position.  It is a lot of hassle, for no pay, a lot of criticism, but knowing that you are helping to mold the minds of the next inventor, the next discoverer of a cure for cancer, the next president.  I have made a commitment, and have volunteered the last three years attending most of the school board and sub committee meetings to make myself familiar with the goings on of our school district.  It is a monumental task and commitment.  But for my daughters, it is worth it.  And for my commitment, I believe that everyone else’s children will benefit as well.

Posted in Bullying, Education, Family and Friends | Leave a comment
30 Jan 2013
1 Comment

The Bully At Work


I always cringe when I hear the comment that bullying is “just a phase all kids go through.”  But my belief, what you do not deal with as a child, so shall you deal with as an adult.  If you are unfortunate enough to talk with an adult who was bullied as a child, it is sad what you will hear.  “They have no idea what that has done to me in the adult life I lead.”  My life proves such an example.  While I credit my being bullied with my high tolerance for pain, the toughness to endure surgeries and treatments of life threatening illnesses, my inability to “quit” anything, there is a dark side that I do my best to conceal because it is not how I want people to see me.

The problem with school bullies is that they grow up to be adult bullies.  And while the public physical abuse outside of the home may subside, the dominating behavior is brought into the workplace.  It is not bad enough, that competition can force aggressive behavior between employees, but then certain environmental circumstances are used as kindling to start fires between co-workers at the hands of management.  For instance, an employee is habitually absent due to a chronic and debilitating illness.  A supervisor often finds himself scrambling to find people to do the work that risks not being done and is therefore inconvenienced.  With no legal recourse to make that employee pay for her selfishness, the manager instead subliminally encourages discourse through other subordinate who in turn are being punished with the extra expectations.  The absent employee is now getting abuse from both hourly worker and manager.

And if you are unfortunate enough to work for a large company, then you have the extra ladder rung of Human Resources which no manager wants to go through because HR does not want the legal ramification of harrassment in the workplace.  So the manager instead churns up the activity against the employee, the co-workers fall in suit, until the employee feels they have no other choice but to leave.  I have personally watched three other employees go through this process and have been watching two more currently.  I realize that I am presenting myself as a helpless coward because I am doing nothing on their behalf to help them.  And my reasons are quite simple.

One.  They do not want the help, nor are they asking for the help.  As far as they are/were concerned, nothing was going to happen.  It was shocking to see how oblivious people are to the efforts of sabotage around them.  But second, I have my own issues to deal with in this manner.

Imagine a worker who has been battling a crippling condition that over a dozen different disciplines of medicine have not been able to put their finger on.   What starts out as an act of “cattyness” between two female workers has continued toward the most aggressive and time consuming effort to eliminate her from her job.

Imagine that,  co-workers believe that they have the right to tell a person if they have the right to earn a living and how.  It matters not if the employee has a family to support, a close relative battling a severe illness, or the employee themself, if your co-workers do not want you to work, they possess the power and believe they have the right to dictate your employment.  Do you recall that “phase” that kids go through?  This is what the continuation of that phase looks like.  There is a lot more to this, and I will make that a different post.

But the downside to me having been a victim of bullying, is I do not pick my battles.  I now fight everything, and everyone.  If I even get a whiff that someone is trying to overpower me, I react in the most defensive posture and releasing a tirade of accusations which I can not only back up, but do so without worry of the ramifications  to my employment.  You see, I actually believe that some day, when someone actually sticks up for themselves, the right thing will happen eventually.  But it has to start somewhere, and the best place for that, is where the behavior starts.

The playground bullying and school bus harrassment must stop.  It has been decades since I faced that torment, yet the memories today are as destructive to my well-being as the bruises left behind.  Today, the results of bullying carry much more severe consequences as the efforts to defend against the domination reach extreme levels of resolve too many times resulting in death.

Bullying has been a difficult conversation for Wendy and I to have as parents.  We are both on opposite sides of the experience though we both agree, bullying should not be tolerated.  I have insisted that my daughters do not tolerate any physical or mental abuse from another classmate or friend.  If it is verbal, they have been told to walk away.  If it is threatening, tell a teacher or another grown up right away.  But if it is a physical shot, meant as anything more than a pat on the back for a job well done, they will defend themselves which I will completely stand behind them.  They are learning self-defense tactics for this very reason, because I was bullied, not because they were.

My daughters have been taught to respect everyone, even if they do not like a person, they must still respect their right to be here in this world.  They are never to throw the first punch and I believe in them not to do so.

We are fortunate in our school to have a strongly supported anti-bully program.  And as a school board member if elected this year, bullying in schools will be a major platform for me.  I hear of so many students being abused by classmates, and yet, nothing is done to correct the incidents.  When all else fails within the school, a parent must understand, a child has civil rights.  And if they are being bullied, those civil rights are being violated.

Look at the alternative.  Continued tolerance will lead to only two things.  A victim growing up skewed against society, trusting no one to do what is right, and an agressor who will lead companies by trampling the grown up rights of the youthful victims they began their reign over.

Posted in Bullying and tagged , ,

Post Navigation

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →