Paul's Heart

“May Wan Tee”

“May Wan Tee”.  I am probably spelling it wrong, but this phrase is one that will stick with me forever.

In January of 2004, Wendy and I were notified that we had a daughter that we were going to be travelling to China to meet.  There were meetings to attend, forms to be signed, and monies to be prepared.  Most importantly, since we would be traveling out of the US, we felt that it would be in our best interest to notify our credit card banks about our plans in the event security checked in and shut done our cards because of activity in China.  This plan had been confirmed by many other families, especially with credit union banks.

And so our credit union was notified that we would be leaving for China on March 15 and planned to return two weeks later.  We were wished well, and the process continued.  On March 7th, we got a call from our adoption agency, travel time had been moved up and we would be leaving on the 13th now.  Of course we are all excited.  What an ”inconvenience” to leave for our daughter earlier?!?

So we arrive at Newark International and check in for our flight.  We bought three seats round trip to allow for our slightly larger than average needs, plus it gave us leg room.  Bringing Madison back using only three seats was not going to be a problem.  The problem occurred when we found out that not only were our three seats not next to each other, not only were we not seated next to our “open” seat that we purchased, but Madison’s seat was approximately fifteen rows in front of either one of us (who happened to be sitting on opposite sides of the airplane.  This was not a budget flight, this was a major international carrier.  After a panicked and irate phone call to our agency concerning this snafu, all was settled before we took off for Hong Kong.

I have mentioned two details now that do not coordinate with the original plans, and as you are about to read, they will have a major impact.  Once we land in Hong Kong, our entire travel group, consisting of nine other great families, meet our guide for this leg of the trip.  While Hong Kong is still considered part of China, it has its own government, currency, etc.  Are you with me yet?  First order of business is checking into the airport hotel.  We are recommended to do so quickly, and in spite of the thirteen hour time difference we must deal with, and the building excitement of our growing family, we need to get some sleep.  We will be a family with child tomorrow morning instead of two days from now as originally planned.  All we have to do is check in for tonight’s stay, and our return flight.  That is all.  Nothing more complicated than that.  Piece of cake.  Checked in plenty of times to a hotel.  English is spoken by the representative.  Yep, should be smooth sailing.

I hand him my credit union credit card.  He swipes it.  Wait for it…

“I’m sorry sir, card not working.”  I have been awake and on the road for nearly twenty hours.  But I know what I just heard.  Calmly, I asked him to try again.  He had to have done something wrong while swiping the card.

Here’s the pitch… just passes over the corner of the plate – STRIKE 2!  “I’m sorry sir, it is coming up declined again.”  ALL SYSTEMS… RED ALERT!  RED ALERT! ALL HANDS ON DECK!  OPEN THE TORPEDO DOORS!  Now I hit the panic button and do all that I can from jumping over the counter to swipe the card myself.  I urged him to try it again.  The card had to work.  I was told by the credit union that there would be no problem.  And finally, I struck out.  I was told for the third time, “declined.”

I called Ben, our guide, over to the counter and explained what was happening.  I had only $7500 in cash on me, $6000 which I needed for adoption proceedings and still had to buy our in-country flights, meals, and hotels.  And then Ben said it, “May Wan Tee.”  I said to him with a confused look, “What?  English Ben.”  Ben replied, “no worries.”  He was right.  My credit card was not working.  I was going to run out of cash in less than 24 hours.  Still had to buy meals.  All this while I was preparing for one of the most beautiful times in my life.  Why should I be worried?

The most reasonable thing to do at this point, with less than ten hours now until we met Madison, was to try and get some sleep.  Trying to save cash, eating was not a priority at the moment.  And with the time difference, it was already Saturday afternoon here in the US, so the credit union was already closed for the next day and a half.  How was I going to communicate and get this straightened out?  I had a calling card, but that was supposed to last me the entire trip and the minutes would be used up before even getting an answer and solution to this problem.  I decided to try using the internet and reach Wendy’s mom, giving her all releveant numbers and who to contact.  There was one representative at the credit union who knew me personally, and knew I was in China and could clearly help and I would have Wendy’s mom see her.

By the time we headed for the provincial capital city Nanchang, it was evening in the US, 10am in China.  And we boarded a flight to Nanchang.  We arrived at the beautiful Jiangxi Hotel where our current guide, De had us register.  As all the other families took turns doing so, I approached De soon to realize his English was not as good as Ben’s, but I gave it an effort anyway.  I explained everything so far that has happened.  And then… “May Wan Tee.”  Aw, come on!  You too?!?  And then De pulled out his credit card, put it on the counter, and the desk person took the card, and handed me keys to our room.  Just like that.  I knew De a total of five minutes, literally.

His kindness and belief in “May Wan Tee” taught me alot that day.  I was in a foreign country, very little to no English spoken, no credit card, and very limited cash, with two other people I was responsible for, all for the next eleven days, and I was told not to worry.  His favor to me allowed me time to communicate back home, even with the time difference.  It took three more days to resolve, but I was able to do it without worrying.  It all worked out, no worries.  May Wan Tee.

Somewhere Between (The Movie)

The movie “Somewhere Between” is due for DVD release in the beginning of February, 2013.

Last Friday night, Wendy and I got to be a part of something special.  Actually, it started out as Wendy and Madison.  We went to see a movie last Friday night, down in Philaelphia to see a movie that was in limited release at the Landmark Ritz on the Bourse.  It was called “Somewhere Between”.

Somewhere Between is a documentary about four very young women, all adopted from China at infant or toddler ages, and had all become young adult females.  The film deals with the emotional issues facing the four young women while at the same time, provoking conversation with hundreds of thousands of other adoptees and their families.

We were initially introduced to this project many years ago.  Ann, one of the features in the movie was a middle school teenager who lived up the street from us.  She also happened to have been adopted from the same province in China as both of my daughters were.  Ann was involved in an adoption support group called “Global Girls” which literally reached out to other Chinese adoptees across the globe.  Ann had organized an informational gathering at our local library, and knew that there were children from China living down the street from her.  Always enthusiastic about having our daughters involved with events and the Chinese culture, we gave our RSVP.  Ann had given us some sort of “warning” that someone might be filming for a documentary, just so that we were aware.  It never raised any kind of concern out of us, in fact, we never saw any camera.  But it was there.

Several years later, we received a phone call from Ann’s mother, Kathy.  Kathy wanted to inform us about a movie that was being produced and included footage from the meeting that we had attended years ago.  I was not really sure what she was talking about at that time, but she was happy to send me the internet link to see the trailer for this movie, now titled “Somewhere Between”.  As expected, when viewing, we saw footage of the girls that the film was about, scenery of the Chinese countryside, and some filming of their current home towns.  And then the trailer go to Ann’s hometown.  She was in color guard in school marching in a parade.  Then she is walking through the library past a table with a little girl sitting with her mother.  It is Madison at three years old with Wendy.  And then I hear, “Where are you from” from Madison.  Ann responds, “I’m from China.”  Madison answers, “Me too.  I’m from China.”

With no major stakes in the film itself, it still felt like forever that this movie would come out.  Finally, the film was released to select independent theaters and we got to see it last night.  There were a lot of people interested in seeing this movie, but for us, we had a personal interest in it.  I am sure Wendy may have been a little nervous about being seen on the big screen, but there was a ton of pride in me.  And then the theater went dark.  Some previews were shown, and then the movie began.

Just like watching the trailer, we had anticipation.  After all of the young women were introduced along with their stories, there were Madison and Wendy.  The theater was quiet as everyone was drawn to the images on the screen.  And then Madison gave her line.  A huge rush of happiness came over us, as we heard most of the theater respond with a chorus of “awwwww”.  The movie was much more than just a proud moment for Wendy and I.  The movie was an opportunity to learn that we have more to learn about being parents to Madison and Emmalie as they grow older.  Unlike biological children, adopted children (especially intenationally adopted children) are probably much more likely to develop identity issues, realize abandonment issues, as well as possibly deal with the ignorance that some people have in expressing comments about bi-ethnic families.

I will admit that plenty of tears were shed watching this movie, Wendy cried so much more.  We have talked about a heritage tour for the girls, and after seeing this movie, we realize just how important that decision will be to our daughters.  I will not spoil the movie as there are still premiers occurring across the country, and a DVD will hopefully be made available in February.  Younger children should not probably see this film as there are quite a bit of serious issues to deal with and understand.  Even for teenagers, it may be difficult for them to view.  But it is definitely for parents, of any adopted child not just from China, to see this film.

If you would like to see the trailer, go to www.somewherebetweenmovie.com and click on the trailer.  At about the :47 mark is where Madison makes her cameo.

Ann, we really do not know you that well, but by chance you came into our lives, and taught us perhaps one of the most important lessons with Madison and Emmalie.  We are hopeful that we will be better prepared for them when that time comes.  And Linda, thank you for putting this project together.

The Moment We First Held Our Daughters

There are times when I wonder what it must be like to witness your child being born.  I never had that chance due to the particular chemotheraputic drug I received which in turn saved my life, but left me sterile.  It is not something I can regret or take back.  As Wendy found herself dealing with her own fertility struggles, we found ourselves at a major crossroad as time was running out if we were indeed going to expand our family beyond the two of us.  As I am often known to remove emotion from my decision-making process to allow more prompt success especially with medical issues, this was going to be perhaps one of the most difficult.  I was not just urging a decision that would affect me, but my wife.  There was every chance that whatever we decided, she could turn around at a later time, and blame me for what she might just say was a rushed and decisive error, that I took away opportunity from her.

But Wendy knew that there was nothing more that I wanted in my life, than to be a father.  With all medical and financial options nearly spent, it was going to take blind faith that this final attempt, whether biological, fostering, or adoption, would help us reach our dream of becoming parents.

“Wendy, we both know, we only have the money to pursue IVF (test tube process and insemination) only once.  We know there is no guarantee as we found out with artificial insemination.  We know the heartbreak to come so close, have your body give signs that the attempt was successful, only to eventually get your period, even months late.  We have only one other option to consider, and that too will only have enough finances to try once, adoption.  Yes, we know that depending on the type of adoption we choose, the process could be long, have waves of false hopes, and worse, birth mothers changing their mind in giving up their babies for adoption.  That heartbreak would be devastating to us we know.  We are running out of time.  And I know this is going to come out cold and insensitive, but with all the emotions, we have to try to remain focused.  We want a family.  I know you want to keep trying.  But with all the love in my heart for you, I have to ask you this.  What is more important to you – the actual sensation and act of being pregnant and giving birth, or being a mom?”

In all fairness, at that moment, I felt like the biggest asshole.  Wendy had been through so much with hormone injections, false hopes of failed insemination attempts and I was not going to give her any time to grieve for this heartbreaking situation.  Though my fertility issue was dealt with more than a decade prior, it would be years before Wendy would fully come to terms with infertility.  But it was her body.  And ultimately, the decision had to be up to her.  I made it quite clear, what I had hoped she would do.

It was agreed that we would pursue adoption.  Adoption offered us the best opportunity for us to become parents.  Eventually, we would decide on International adoption, locate an organization to facilitate the adoption.  And then we began the seemingly endless amount of paperwork from legal documents for the United States, and for China.  Home studies and police clearances were completed as well as autobiographies to convince China that Wendy and I would be good parents.  And then, comparable to pregnancy, we began the wait.  We knew that it would be months before our dossier would even be seen by Chinese officials.  And near the end of January of 2004, word came that a child had been matched up to us and we should expect all of our information soon.  It would be delivered via FedEx on January 28th.  Just days before, our area had been blanketed by several inches of snow.  But that afternoon, just a little after 1:00pm, into our driveway pulled a FedEx van.  We freaked out the driver with our excitement urging her inside so that we could celebrate, oh, and eventually telling her what we were celebrating.  We took pictures of the driver and then let her on her way as we were not her only delivery to make.  (One side note, she would be our driver yet again for the delivery of our second adoption notice).

We sat down at our kitchen table, drew in a couple of deep breaths, and then opened the envelope.  Inside was a red folder (red is good luck in China).  The folder was packed with paperwork, and pictures.  Her given name was Fu Shu Ting and her presumed date of birth was March 25th, 2003.  There was acceptance documentation that needed to be completed and returned as soon as possible.  Preparations for travel within the next six weeks needed to be made, as well as attending one more very important information meeting.  There were ten other families traveling with us at that time on that sixteen hour non-stop flight, though most of us had never met before, and with a 13 hour time difference, once we landed, and were able to get to sleep, we had been informed to expect our children even earlier than anticipated.

We landed in our the provincial capital city of Nanchang in Jiangxi Province.  We were driven to our hotel, checked in, and were told we would be leaving in less than an hour to go to the Notary office, where Chinese officials, orphanage personnel, and foster mothers would be arriving with our daughters.  Again, to compare it to the biological process of giving birth, we had “conception”, gestatition, and now the water was “broken”.  Upon arrival at the city building, we were escorted upstairs, and explained a very simple process that would change our lives forever.  We were assigned numbers by familiy, our number being seven.  Shu Ting would be identified by the number seven, not necessarily the seventh child being brought into the room.

Only by the coincidence of who had been a total stranger just 20 hours earlier, snapped a photograph of the orhpanage personnel holding Shu Ting.  She was wearing a bright green sweater, obviously bundled up in layers of clothing.  Our guide De called out “NUMBER 7!”  And with that, we knew that she was ours.  We jumped up, squirmed through two of the other newly formed families, and then Madison was placed into our arms.  The was THE moment we had been waiting for, for so long.  It had finally happened, we became parents.  Though we were drowning in our own tears of joy, not even a sound had come out of Madison.  We were mom and dad.  It was at that moment that we realized we made the right decision, and also, that we would waste no time once we arrived back home in the United States, we would do the process again.