Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the month “September, 2014”

16 Sep 2014

In Defense Of Adrian Peterson????


The headlines on one of my Facebook feeds read, “Coach’s Disgusting Defense Of Adrian Peterson:  If Family Member ‘Has Cancer, You Don’t Turn Your Back On Them.  You Keep Fighting For Them.”

This headline enraged me to the point, that I did not know where I wanted to begin.

First, the only thing accurate and decent to state, is that the coach is correct.  You do not turn your back on a family member who is battling cancer.

But if you want to make a comparison to cancer, the “cancer” which appears to be growing not just in the NFL, but now spotlighted on the Minnesota Vikings management and head coach is you.  How dare you compare someone who is in the fight of their life, to someone who is totally defenseless against a monster who beats the child to the point of leaving horrifying wounds?  As a cancer survivor myself, I know the difference, do you?  Clearly you do not.

I will first say, I am not a spanking parent.  I never have been, and never will.  I was never spanked as a child.  After all, what is the less you teach a child?  Mr. Peterson, you might be able to answer this one quite easily as you have repeatedly justified the scars on your child’s body, because you were “whooped” also.  But the lesson simple, you spank a child who is doing something bad, to make them behave and good.  Therefore, violence makes things good.  This is not silly, this is fact.

There was outrage decades ago, and demands for international intervention because some dumb 19 year old teenager, Michael Fay, had vandalized a property in the country of Singapore and had been sentenced to “caning”.  For us back in the states, look at the wounds on the child abused by Peterson.  We all heard the conversation on the wounds and welts that would be left from being whipped by a bamboo stick (back here, it is referred to as a “switch”).  Where are the demands for clemency for the defenseless child who was acting as nothing more than a child.  Not a mischievous young adult looking for trouble.

No, I do not believe in spanking.  I believe if a parent starts discipline right away, instead of being worried about being friends with their child, spankings would definitely be avoidable.  But for many, the spoiled behaviors of some children often compel parents to respond in a way that a parent feels has no other choice.  And I have seen my share of tantrums by other children, and as much as I detest those tantrums, I know they are just manipulations to get attention, so I ignore them.  You do not believe me?  Next time you are in a toy store, or amusement park, watch a child who is throwing a classic “I want this” or “I wanna stay” tantrum.  As they are screaming, they are looking all around to see who is looking.  The child knows the parent will do whatever they can to get the child to be quiet and behave so as not to be embarrassed.  But watch, disappear around the corner, out of sight, take a look back at the child, and often times they are looking for who will support them next.

My post is not meant to tell how parents how to raise children.  I am not an expert, just a an expert at raising my own children.

No, my post is about defending a thug by comparing it to a fight with mortality, dealing with cancer.

First, the NFL, you are disgusting for not taking any further action against Peterson.  He has admitted that he assaulted the child.

Next, the Minnesota Vikings, you have shown your true colors.  True, your team might only be that one person, who had the potential for being one of the greatest running backs, but how does that compare when you have shown all you care about is protecting your franchise team win-loss record by reinstating Peterson after your loss on Sunday?  A one game deactivation has taught the thug a lesson?  Very nice.  Remember my analogy, teaching that punishment makes right?  What is the lesson here?  Scarring a four-year old child for life = 1 game and pay.

But Head Coach Mike Zimmer… you are supposed to be a leader.  A leader is supposed to have empathy and understanding and compassion.  A four year old now bears scars from the hands of someone six times his size and ten times his strength, and will have those scars the rest of his life.  And you choose to defend this thug by comparing him to someone who is battling cancer.  There is a huge difference (and I want to stress, I am not using the vocabulary that I really want to use to illustrate my disgust with you as a human being).  I could have died from the cancer I had.  The child could have died from not only the beating (how many headlines have we read that someone beat a child to death because it just would not stop crying), but also from infections had the wounds not been treated properly.  If anything, the child who was so badly abused can be compared to having family stand behind him/her as they recover from the abuse.  But Peterson.  HELL NO!  You do not get to compare him to standing behind someone who is fighting cancer.  You are a piece of garbage for not only making that statement, but for believing it, and condoning Peterson’s admitted behavior.

Look, I am a huge fan of pro-football.  But I also believe in integrity.

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15 Sep 2014
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Cancer And Relationships


It is often difficult to go beyond the thought, that a diagnosis of cancer can go beyond that of the patient who has been diagnosed.  After all, it is the patient who is in the race against time to avoid one statistic, death, but become a statistic, survivor.  It is the patient who is going to undergo the testing, and the side effects from treatments.  It is the patient who is going to deal with the never-ending fear of recurrence.

But the truth is, when a patient has a significant other, whether it be boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, life partner, that person gets thrust into a role that comes as much a shock as the diagnosis of cancer itself, caregiver.  Most likely, neither patient or caregiver has any experience about the path they are going to go down.  From personal experience, this should not be taken lightly.

Relationships have enough difficulty surviving without constant effort.  And when things interfere with relationships on a daily basis, such as money, activities, sex, stress, work, a cancer diagnosis, just as any other illness, can complicate things further, or at the least, create issues.

Non-binding relationships allow the easiest escape, but for those that are married, there is that whole “for better for worse, from church until hearse, sickness and health”, which in spite of my track record (one divorce, one pending), I do believe in.

When I was diagnosed, I was six months away from getting married.  I explained to my fiancé, that I knew from that moment on, I was not going to be able to give her the “fairy tale” marriage that she may have always dreamed about.  I might not even survive.  I offered her the chance to walk out the door, for another chance at happiness.  I would not hold anything against her.  It was my fault that I would not be able to live up to what I thought she might have wanted.

Let’s face it though, if you have a significant other, who is facing a life-threatening and critical situation, any human being with an empathetic heart is going to do “the right thing” and stand by their partner.  No one would want to be labeled an asshole for bailing on someone in their time of direst need.  But the truth is, that might be the best option after all.  Especially if a person is incapable, not on purpose of course, of meeting the needs, emotional and physical.

My fiancé became my wife.  The wedding happened as planned.  The honeymoon was altered because financially, and physically I was not going to be up to the physical needs for the plans we had.  I had just completed my radiation therapy before the wedding and I was exhausted.  Upon return from my honeymoon, I was faced with the news that I would have to undergo chemotherapy.

But through all of my treatments, both radiation and chemo, and during my procedures, she and I never talked about my cancer.  In fact, when I finished my treatments, and received the news that I was in remission, she took that as a release, we would no longer have to hear the word “cancer” in the house, and it pretty much was not to be spoken again.  And if I did, I was often met with “why can’t you just get over it.”  And I tried, but I could not “just get over it.”  This laid the foundation for the eventual failure of my first marriage.  We could not deal emotionally with the scars we wore from my Hodgkin’s fight, so anything that came along on top of that, money, sex, attention, only made things worse.  And when we finally had our first true husband-wife conversation, it was an explosion that neither of us were able to prepare for, and emotionally it was crippling.  That was the end of my first marriage.

I do not blame her, not entirely.  But I did warn her.  I did not have access or knowledge of how difficult dealing with cancer was going to be, like I do today.  Looking back, she lacked attention from me.  Cancer dominated my life, and when I was done with it, I found out, I was never going to be done with it.  But instead of dealing with our issues, and I cannot stress it enough, YOU CANNOT DO IT ON YOUR OWN!, we hid them.  Our relationship suffered, and resentment began to build.  And it was only a matter of time, until that resentment would come out.  I wanted to get help for us, but she did not see the need, until I told her I wanted to file for divorce.  And I even patronized her by going to two sessions before I filed, but during those sessions, I heard the same thing that led me to believe there was no chance of getting her to understand how I felt as a cancer survivor.  All I heard was blame directed at me.

Over my twenty four years counseling cancer patients and their families, this is all just too common.  Pride keeps us from wanting to expose our laundry to any outsider.  But the option of “just getting over it” does not work.

I believe you are totally blessed if you have someone in your life who will be completely by your side, not just through the battle, but help with the scars that grow from within.  And they do exist.  I am a romantic at heart, and I know this can happen.  But I cannot stress, please do not underestimate the emotional toll that a cancer diagnosis and journey can take.  Be strong enough to admit when you need someone to lean on.

Posted in Cancer, Education, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart
14 Sep 2014

Lymphoma – Support And Information


There is not doubt, that the diagnosis of any cancer, will often leave the patient with a feeling of isolation.  After all, a diagnosis polarizes all attention to one person, the person diagnosed.  Nothing and no one else matters.  But that does not mean that others will not be affected by the diagnosis.  Before I get to that…

There is a world of information about lymphoma available today that was not when I was diagnosed.  All I was able to do, was to try and research, via news records at libraries for success stories on Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Needless to say, that took up a lot of time, and really only produced on story, which was about Carl Nelson, a football player for the New York Giants.  He had survived Hodgkin’s Disease.

But the majority of support came in the way of two counselors that I had come across.  John was a giant redwood of a man towering over me by at least two feet, but with a very soft heart.  He bore the initial brunt of my venting as I went through the various stages of Kubler-Ross, (anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance).  Later I would meet Ilona who would be with me through my chemotherapy days.  Sadly, she died a few years ago with her own battle of cancer, such cruel irony.  But I did not just have counselors, my oncology nurse is the only reason I was able to get through my treatments at all.  Her comfort to me, was not as a nurse to a patient, but almost as a son as I am pretty sure I was young enough to be her son.

Family can play a big role in support as well, but it can get very complicated.  Depending on the family member, you can find acceptance and true support, or possibly denial, avoidance, and even shame.  You have to remember, that for many older family members, they are only likely to know one thing about cancer, “everybody dies from it” or they can “catch cancer.”  I have already addressed that in prior posts.  For younger family members like young children, it is critical to be sensitive to what they hear about cancer.  They can be very quick to believe that a person will die if they hear that even just one other person had died.  Siblings and parents are profoundly affected by the diagnosis of cancer and I feel are probably the best source of support.

The most important support from a family member is going to be that of a significant other.  That person is going to be with you most likely every step of the way.  But just as a cancer patient can feel alone and isolated, so can the significant other who is thrown into the position of caregiver.  Not only does the patient surrender their life and whatever they were doing, but now, so is the significant other who otherwise has done nothing to deserve having to sacrifice their life and activities.  This can lead to resentment, and often does.  Which is why it is so important to keep the lines of communication open, and your minds.  Cancer is a difficult thing to deal with alone.

As I mentioned, I was limited with the support I could find.  Today, there is literally a whole world out there of information and support.  I have links listed on this page to organizations, support groups, and other information about dealing with Lymphoma.  But just as I offer in my disclaimer, I must remind you, it is important that realize who is your doctor, who knows your actual situation.  Those are the ones that you ultimately need to listen to, and if you have questions, ask.  The links that I provide are very good with that kind of support, making sure that you realize we are not doctors, will never give out medical advice, just personal experience and information.

I am glad that you have found “Paul’s Heart.”  It is a start to finding support and information that I know would have been beneficial to me had I had it back then.

Posted in Cancer, Family and Friends, Inspired By..., Side Effects, The Heart | Leave a comment

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