Paul's Heart

The Only Mother And Father My Children Will Ever Have

I guess I need to put a disclaimer at the beginning of this post, as to why, if the title is “The Only Mother And Father My Children Will Ever Have,” how come I do not post a picture of my daughters’ mother with this story.  Well, the obvious would be that I do not have her permission to do so, nor would I expect it.  But I know she and her family read my blog, and well, if she wants a picture on this, all she has to do is ask.

So you can tell from the disclaimer, my children are like many others, growing up with a divorced family.  It is not the way any of us intended.  After all, my daughters have already been through enough trauma in their young lives, and in the years ahead, possibly dealing with identity issues and their adoptions, on top of the fact, that their parents some time in the future, will no longer be husband and wife.

I will say right from the start, I love my daughters as much if not more as each day goes by from the day that I saw their “referral photo” that announced the pending arrival of my daughters.  Both girls know that somewhere across the world, is a mother and a father who biologically were responsible for them being born.  In reality though, all that currently matters to them now, is that they have only one mother, and one father.  And that is my estranged wife and I.  Sure, perhaps some day, there will be someone significant again in our lives that would introduce someone else to share love with my daughters, either with my estranged wife, or myself.  But I state with 100% certainty, I will be the only father my daughters ever call “Dad.”

That being said, during the divorce process, and beyond, there are definite adjustments to the roles of mother and father.  The obvious, we are no longer living in the same house, nor have been for years now.  As an adult child of divorce myself, I know first hand, the importance of keeping in touch with my children every day.  And unlike the choice my father made with me and my sibling, I do everything I can to speak to my daughters either through video or telephone at least once a day.

We talk about everything from the day’s activities, school, exchange jokes, assist with homework, even read to each other, as if I were there in person.  But the one thing that does not happen, they NEVER hear anything negative about the marriage, the divorce process, or their mother from my lips.  Any questions that do happen to come up are answered vaguely.

I will always believe that if a child has both parents when they are brought into this world, they will need both parents forever.  And there is no reason whatsoever, that a parent should ever be kept from being in that child’s life.  But the fact is, that all too often, one parent, focused only on malicious and vindictive revenge for the other spouse filing for divorce, will often strive to turn the child against the other parent, using either selfish or deceitful methods to gain the advantage, resulting in what has existed in divorce for decades, only recently being recognized, as “parental alienation syndrome.”

Parental Alienation Syndrome is emotional child abuse.  To turn a child against either parent, the only parents that child has known, for that parent’s own gain and satisfaction, at the expense of the relationship between the child and the targeted parent, is child abuse.

As I said, I have many conversations with my daughters, and I do all that I can, to remind them of happier times, when they can actually remember their mother and I being happy.  I remind them that their mother is there for them to talk to, and help them.  My children have happy memories of our family, and I will not take that away from them.  I assure them that I will never put them in the middle of any disagreement between their mother and I.

Other children are not so lucky.  Blatant brainwashing or programming, often results in the other parent being undermined, pushed out of the child’s life, through no fault of the targeted parent.  The offending parent has a desire that does not take the needs of the child to have both parents in his or her life.  There is absolutely no reason for this destructive and negative behavior.  In no time, children find themselves forced to choose, and of course are guided to the parent alienating the child, the targeted parent completely and involuntarily eliminated from that child’s life.

Though clearly parental alienation has gone on for decades, without a name, only in recent years has it garnished any attention.  Of course, without having had a name for it, or diagnosis if you will, the current statistics of 15% of children impacted by parental alienation is probably a very low estimate.  But now, with parental alienation being reclassified as child abuse, emotional child abuse at the very least, it is getting a lot more attention.  Alienated children face many more issues besides low self-esteem, depression and trust issues with future relationships because later on in life, as the child grows and learns that they were simply a pawn by a parent they loved, for their own gain, turned that child against the other parent.

The time lost by a parent and child alienated from each other can never be gotten back.  And the resentment can do permanent and irreversible damage.

Recently, my oldest daughter asked me about the “absent” relationship with my father, in particular, “why did I hate my father?  Hate is such a mean word.  You should not have hated him.”  Talk about the expression “out of the mouths of babes.”  She really could not have hit it more on the head.

Comedian Dennis Leary gave out this line, although in fairness it was stated to address racism, but it applies to parental alienation as well… “I have a 2 year old son.  You know what he hates?  Naps.  End of list.”  Anything else his son would hate in life, it would be taught to him.  And so it goes with parental alienation.  It is unnatural for a child to hate a parent.  But there I was, being asked a very intuitive question by my oldest daughter, as she was clearly trying to understand either why I reacted the way that I did, or perhaps, feelings she may have been struggling with.

I explained to her, that I grew to hate my father (whom I did make amends with later on in my adult life), because of comments that were made about my father, combined with the fact, that I never really got to see him.  Of course that resulted in a follow up question, “why would you believe the awful things said about your dad?”  Two great questions now from my daughter, my youngest daughter now listening in on the conversation.  Again, I want to stress, I do not discuss the current situation with my daughters.  All they know from me, is that I recognize my estranged wife as their mother, and I will not say anything negative about her to or around my children.

My answer seemed elementary.  I told them, that as a child, we expect to be able to trust the grown ups around us when they tell us something, which means whatever they tell us, we expect to be true.  And in spite of the things being said about my father being mean, the absence of my father from my life, meant that he was not there to defend the lies and the mean comments.  And without him there to defend himself, all I ever knew, and thus believed, was what I heard from other adults.  And that, is why I told my daughters I was able to “hate” my dad.  I was taught to do that.  Clearly, my daughters have no concept of what it would be like to be in my position.  And it is safe to say, they do not ever want to be in that position.  And I know, that as their father, I will never put them in that position, nor will I tolerate anyone in my life, to act that negatively in the same manner.

And that is the one reason I will never disappear from my daughters’ lives.  I realize that they may hear negative things from me by certain family members or friends.  And that is sad, because the one thing that my daughters know about me, is how much I love them, and there is not one negative thing that anyone could say to them, that would change that.  Which ultimately puts that person at risk of actually being hated instead.

It is natural for a child to love their parent.  It is not natural for a child to hate their parent.  And to expect a child to hate or forget a parent for the selfish act of revenge for divorce, is parental alienation, child abuse.

Celebrating Life

A fellow survivor has put together an inspirational short “film” featuring photos and comments from survivors of all kinds of cancers.  It can be found on the web site:

Mission Positive Film Blog

The link is below:

http://missionpositivefilmsblog.com/mpf-the-celebrate-life-events-fighter-and-survivor-slide-show/

And yes, there is a cameo by yours truly.

An Unexpected Face Of Sepsis

Many people my age grew up watching a lot of black and white television sitcoms.  And for many puberty stricken boys, some of our first hints at hormonal activity came courtesy of “Patty”, or “Cathy” depending on which twin she was playing on “The Patty Duke Show.”  Of course my preference was the more fun, “Patty.”  Later on in life, she would marry another television icon, “Gomez Addams”, actor John Astin.

Most of today’s youth know Patty’s son, Sean who has had many movie roles, including “Mommy’s Night Out”.

While Patty Duke always remained involved in acting her whole career, and at one point became Screen Actor Guild president, her most important role came as an advocate for mental health.  In 1982 she was diagnosed with being bipolar.  It was ironic because of her role as twins, she played both parts, and quite differently.  In hindsight, people involved with the show were always curious how the two “sisters” seemed to be so different.

Patty Duke passed away this week from a complication of a medical emergency.  The complication is relatively unknown to the majority of the public, yet it is probably more common than even a heart attack.  It was reported that she had died from a ruptured intestine, but it was the fatal condition, called sepsis that took her life.

What is sepsis?  Taken from the website Sepsis.org, “Sepsis is the body’s overwhelming and life-threatening response to infection which can lead to tissue damage, organ failure, and death.”  It is a chemical reaction within the body.  Your body basically poisons itself.  And it is so quick, that without immediate treatment of antibiotics, death can occur within hours of diagnosis.  Sepsis is taken from the Greek word “decay”.  This is no joke.  And unfortunately for so many patients, we are unaware when we develop this condition.  Worse yet, all too often, the condition is not looked for, until the situation is too late.  It is believed that many deaths, while attributed to other causes, may actually have been caused by sepsis.

Once sepsis occurs, the pathogens simply attack the body, the blood, organs until it is too late.

I know that up until the late 1990’s, I had never heard of sepsis until one of my fellow long term cancer survivors had informed me that she had recently had a bout, having gone as far as septic shock.  But even at that point, it was not a regular occurrence for me to hear, until my first case of pneumonia in 2012, a doozy of a case, that left me fighting for my life with sepsis levels indicating I was in danger of losing my life.  Initial blood tests revealed that my lactic acid levels were so high, I was dealing with sepsis as much as 24-48 hours earlier than when my body finally had enough.

Seriously, I had no cold or bronchitis issue.  No allergies or anything pulmonary.  Yet when I went to bed that evening at 11am, I felt completely fine, in spite of sepsis raging inside of my body.  Five hours later, I woke up violently vomiting, my body in extreme pain.  The only thing I remember about that moment, was being wheeled on an ambulance gurney in front of my then 5 and 3 year old daughters.  Still at that point, the paramedics, nor the emergency staff waiting at the ER had any idea what was coming.

I was heading into septic shock.

Of course, clearly I survived.  But this is a fear that I have and live with every day.  I never saw my case coming.  And the fact that my immune system is compromised from being asplenic, and having had my body challenged by chemo and radiation therapies, the odds are solid that I will face it again.

But there was no reason, as is many the case, of someone being treated for one obvious issue, that sepsis could be a contributing factor, and until recently as one of my survivor friends, who is a nurse pointed out, is finally getting the attention of medical personnel when patients come into the ER.

Yes, I had barely heard of sepsis.  And on my Facebook page, when I posted Duke’s death, attributed to sepsis, more than a dozen had related personal life stories affected by sepsis.

Patty Duke was an advocate for those with mental illness such as bi-polar conditions.  In her death, she now can be an advocate, much like Jim Henson of The Muppets fame when he passed away from pneumonia due to immunity issues, in bringing awareness to the frequency and dangers of dealing with sepsis.

As a friend of mine who is a paramedic once told me back in 2012, more people die of sepsis than what is actually realized.  It is up to us to be our own advocate.  Recognize at least these possible symptoms as pictured below, provided by Sepsis.org.