Paul's Heart

Just Saying “No”

One of the most powerful influences a parent can have on a child, is to say the word, “no”.  It is perhaps possible that parents do not say “no” enough to their children.  It is not that I get any pleasure out of saying it to my daughters, but rather I get much satisfaction in seeing my daughters smile.  I would rather surprise them with a “yes” than disappoint them with a “no”.

The best example is one that is the smallest of worth – those damn claw machines.  Most are rigged not to allow a player to win – either the prizes are packed to tightly, or are too heavy for the claw.  For the longest time, I had Madison convinced that every impulse machine whether the claw, gumball, novelty toy machines, were all broken.  It became even more challenging as I would make this statement just as a player had walked away from the machine victorious.

One particular example came to play while visiting close friends in Pittsburg.  Our hosts had told us of a neighbor  who mistook a pregnant female for a male, until the kittens were born.  While the gesture may seem harmless, “come on, come see the kittens”, it ends up being nothing less than a set-up.  Madison is very powerful when it comes to making your crack.  I have earned my stripes learning to stand straight versus her will.  But we came home with an extra passenger from Pittsburg after a nearly 20 minute breakdown and guilt trip.  I learned a very powerful lesson that day, not to underestimate her ability to use those around me, to put pressure on me to get her way.  This would not be the last time that she would test me.

Today was Christmas Eve.  Midnight was less than two hours away, as Wendy’s cousin feels it is important to show some baby bunnies that they had not been counting on being born, and needed a home.  No-brainer for me, I simply say, “no”.  But Madison is prepared for my answer and knows that she must get her mother involved, as well as her young cousins who also believe that they will be taking a baby bunny home that evening.

All I have to do is hear Wendy say, “I’m not saying yes, I’m saying I will think about it.”  That is enough for Madison to believe it will be a done deal.  All she has to do is come up with a name for the newest resident in our home.  The infant rabbit is handled by multiple sets of hands hoping for an opportunity to take one home.  And then the assault on Dad begins.  Madison goes as far as grabbing my hand and dragging me to a separate room asking to have a talk with me.  She has already heard my answer, and feels that she can pursuade me.

Wendy is upset with me because I gave absolutely no hope to Madison.  Wendy would have preferred for me to have dragged it out and then let Maddy down gracefully.  So tonight, Santa could be bringing Madison the world, but my rationalization of why another animal coming into our house could not, should not, and would not work.  I was single handedly going to destroy Madison’s Christmas this year just of my own selfhishness.

Though the answer was quite easy to get out, honestly, it was not without deep thought as more than half a dozen reasons came to mind as to “why not”.  An increase in animal allergens was evident when we had picked up the Pittsburg kitten.  Also, current feed and bedding bill for all of our pets is close to $150/month not including the vet bills.  Then of course, there is the labor, me.  I have been responsible for all the feeding and cleaning up of feces.  And there are more reasons.

And so, there it was, a battle that lasted close to four hours.  I am not proud in the stance I had to take.  I know it hurt Madison’s feelings which are genuine, she only wanted to provide a good home for the baby bunny.  Madison usually endures when she is surrounded by a strong supporting cast of people who cannot handle such a beautiful child bleeding her heart out for all to see.  I definitely get played in the role of an Ogre.

It is my hope, that when the girls wake up this morning, and see the bounty that Santa had brought them, they will forget about the bunny.  At least until we return back to Wendy’s cousin’s house for Part 2 of the Christmas celebration.  My answer will still be “no”.

no to new pets

no to claw machine

tears that follow

Decorating Christmas Gone Wild

There are some very special attractive features of the neighborhood that Wendy and I chose to buy a home to raise our children.  The first is that the development basically consisted of all first generation home owners.  The majority of the people were the original owners of the homes, just as the owner who sold us their house.  Though we were not the first of the next generation to move here, a boom of home sales to new and young families was exploding.  And just as the first generation of owners, a special area was developing with the second generation.

The other unique feature of our area, underground wiring.  This meant no telephone or electric poles.  It also meant that there were no street lamps which makes the neighborhood seemingly and unusually dark, especially during the winter.  In the Fall of 2001, darkness gave way to light, in a bright way.

Halloween came and went that year, but as November approached, I told Wendy of my plans to take her decoration of Christmas to a whole new extreme.  If Wendy had her way, our house would be decorated 365 days a year for Christmas.  I will not go that far, but I was willing to take care of the outside so that she could concentrate on the many rooms inside of the house.

And so, on the weekend before Thanksgiving, I went to several stores and wiped out their supply of 300 light strands of lights.  I had over a dozen bushes and shrubs, including a 25 foot holly tree, a porch, a cherry tree, and 30 feet of fence to light up.  And there is no doubt once turning down onto our street, where our house was.

To top it off, a very special tradition happened every Christmas Eve in “Sugar Valley”.  A luminary is a bag or plastic container with a candle or artificial light inside.  Several luminaries are placed along a walkway or driveway as decoration.  But when nearly and entire neighborhood does it, it is quite special.  To be honest, it makes no difference that it is done on Christmas Even, it could be any particular night.  But it is special when street after street is lit with these luminaries.  I have never seen an aerial view of this sight, but it would have to be amazing.  We are talking 300-400 homes.

Yes, then there is the inside of our house.  But Wendy has a habit of reading my stories when something grabs her attention, or when a reader decides to bust on her for something I have written.  But there is an entire story on “Mrs. Kringle” and her efforts to decorate the interior of the house.  There are at least fifteen totes of lights and decorations.  Normally, there will be a tree in every room of the house, a live one in our den, and two full artificial trees in the living room, and miniature trees in each of the bedrooms.  She has tried to decorate the car, with electric candles, miniature trees that stuck to the window, or last year’s disaster, reindeer antlers and a big red puffy nose for the grill.  The antlers met with a mutual and horrible end as they were not meant to withstand the air force of the Pennsylvania Turnpike (a fate suffered similarly by a set of bunny ears the following Easter).

We are no longer unique in our efforts to decorate.  Most of our neighbors now put out lots of decorations and lights.  And when it comes to extreme lighting, there are now homes that put the Griswald’s to shame.  I do not have that same desire.  I like the way that our house looks for the holiday.  And I would love to use hundreds of thousands of lights and make a huge holiday donation to the electric company to the music of the Trans Siberian Orchestra,  but I am okay with our presentation.

Happy Holidays everyone!

No Prouder A Father

Yes, this is going to be a story that brags about my daughters.  When Wendy and I made the decision that we wanted to have children, we spoke of how we would want to raise them and what we would expect of them.  One thing that we both agreed on immediately was that above all, we wanted loving and respectful children.  Some of the first words that they would be taught would be “I love you”, “Thank You”, “Excuse Me”, and “Please”.  There was so much more that both Wendy and I wanted to share with Madison and Emmalie.

I must admit, I entered into this with a bit of a handicap.  I grew up not only in a broken home, and not even spending a majority of the time with my mother, but rather my grandmother.  Just as I learned about growing up as a male, I was going to learn how to be a father, winging it.  With my daughters being adopted, I was going to have to deal with not only inexperience or lack of example, but there was no way to know what the girls had already been exposed to during the first year of their lives.

There have been plenty of studies to show the importance of bonding between mother and child, immediately following birth.  Just as many other adopted children, our daughters were going to be taken away from the only people they knew.  We had to be especially careful and sensative to their needs and expectations, as we tried to educate and nourish them both physically and emotionally.

I am only vaguely knowledgable of the process how the Chinese Center of Adoption Affairs decides who to place with which children.  But I do know that the CCAA struck gold twice with our daughters.  Both girls have enthusiastic personalities, a bit of an impish inclination, generous hearts, and endless consideration for others.

When it comes to competition, both girls take sportsmanship with the same grace whether successful, or needed to try harder.  They regularly offer congratulations to other victors and support to those who fell short in their goals.  If either sense that someone is of need or want, both girls have been known to offer what they feel they have ample supply of, whether it be food, toys, or clothing.

Do they have their moments when they are recognized as a nine or seven year old?  Absolutely.  Can the girls get into trouble?  Of course they can.  Do they occasionally suffer from brain farts?  Yep.

As Wendy and I continue to concentrate on our daughters’ education, and preparation for the next stage of their lives physiologically, we have a tendency to take for granted the way that they have behaved for so long.  It is expected, and when one needs to be reminded, it is just a mild conversation that lets them know, we remember they are children, but even as children, when it comes to manners, they know what is right and what is wrong.

But as we chug through life it is a wonderful feeling when we are reminded of the love and care that we have given our girls.  One of my big peeves whether I was a single adult or whether Wendy and I were out on a much needed date night, the last thing that we were looking for on a night out, was having to deal with someone else’s children by ways of screaming and tantrums whether in a restaurant or any other public place.

The four of us are very close.  It is rare that you see any of us without the rest when they are not in school or Wendy and I at work.  And on occasion, Wendy and I receive one of the greatest acknowledgements of our parenting.  It is one of our proudest moments, when we are out with friends for dinner, which means that our full attention might not be on the girls, and some directed to conversation with our other guests, that a complete stranger feels compelled to approach us as we are dining.

“Excuse me,” said a very relaxed and pleasant woman.  “I just wanted to tell you, my husband and I were out for dinner this evening.  We noticed you and your children when you came into the restaurant, but in the nearly hour and a half that we have all been here, my husband and I barely noticed that they were even in the same room.  Your children were so quiet and occupied that not having to deal with out-of-control children like we dealt with last evening, made this one of the more enjoyable evenings for my husband and I.  Thank you.”

Our friends that were dining with us, have done so before, so they too often take for granted how our girls behave.  But on this particular evening, even they seemed taken aback by the comments from the stranger.  This kind of recognition does not happen frequently, but when it does, you bet I am one of the proudest dads there could ever be.  And so on that evening, I made it a point to tell Madison and Emmalie that I was sending a special email to Santa to tell him how good our daughters have been, and that night was proof.

There are many things that I have looked forward to as a father:  first word, first step, pretty much any accomplishment such as an award or trophy.  Eventually and hopefully I would get to see them graduate, possibly from college, and if they so choose, I would consider it an honor to walk them down the aisle.  But for now, I will gladly take a moment like this for all it is worth.