Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Archive for the day “January 6, 2013”

Santa’s Last Christmas


While I am kind of known as a “scrooge” type individual around the holidays, contrary to this belief, one of the great joys that I get, is watching the expressions on my daughter’s faces when it comes to the fat man in red.  From the anticipation of the season, to the race home from relatives on the night before Christmas, culminating in the ability to focus on what will be their favorite gift, the excitement is genuine.

I have countless memories of the last eight Christmas’s in particular.  During a visit with Santa, a newpaper reporter had taken a photograph of Emmalie stopping and staring at a white glove whose finger was pointed at her making sure that she was being a good girl.

Then there were the shrieks that came from the girls’ bedroom as they spotted Santa Claus jumping up and down on our diving board of our pool.

The girls were never disappointed to come downstairs and see that Santa had enjoyed the cookies and milk (although for some reason, some beer had gone missing from my refrigerator as well – it appears he like Molson Ice), and of course, the reindeer gobbled up all the baby carrots.

For the first several years, as a way to “prove” there was a Santa, Wendy had videotaped and took photos of the big man in the house.  The girls have never figured out how Santa never spotted Mommy.  The first Christmas was just Madison.  And the tradition of Santa visiting our house had begun.  Close to 2am when I knew Madison was truly asleep (fortunately she loves her sleep and is good at it), I put on the suit.  Upstairs I went with a gift in hand to put under her tree in her bedroom.  I gave her a small kiss on the forehead and headed back downstairs and played with our golden retriever for the camera.  Then I dug into the goodies.  Everything was caught on film.

So the next morning, Madison woke up all excited as Santa had left her a present under her little Christmas tree in her room.  She recalled him even giving her a kiss on her head.  We then went downstair and she screamed in delight when she saw all the snacks demolished with a thank you note from Santa and a footprint signature of Rudolph.  I then suggested to Madison that we check the cameras to see what might have been captured.

We are going through the photos and Madison cannot believe her eyes.  There he is.  Santa was in her house.  Then we hooked up the video camera to the TV.  Her mouth wide open, the camera showed Santa walking in all the areas of the house and even showed Pollo and he having a great time.  They were best pals, amazingly so.

For some reason, the camera zoomed out and now Santa’s full figure was in plain view.  Immediately something caught Madison’s eyes.  “Hey Daddy!  Ho Ho is wearing your sneakers!”  It seems that my carelessness that evening, feeling that at 2am that I did not need to worry about footware, which the costume definitely came with, was exposed.  Forget Santa.  Forget everything special that occurred that night.  Little Madison Marcos noticed that Santa had the same size shoe as me, and was wearing my sneakers.

“Well maybe Madison, Santa’s boots were too dirty from the chimney, and he took them off, and saw my sneakers by the fireplace and put them on to deliver your presents.”  Unsure of why she should believe me, she took my story and accepted it.

Santa has existed for eight years in our house.  This is probably going to be the last year because of a couple of jerks in her class who have decided to convince Madison that Santa is not real.

Of course, next year will be taught just exactly “what” Santa Clause really is and that he will exist forever in her heart because she is just like him.

Hard For The Holidays


It is officially time for me to turn off the “anti” Christmas sentiment as Thanksgiving has passed.  I have always resisted and pretty much objected to not being allowed to celebrate Halloween and Thanksgiving without being overlapped by Christmas sale propaganda.  I have not always been this way.  But I have to go back to my childhood to remember when I embraced Christmas.  But my childhood is also when it began.

It was the year of my seventh grade, I was thirteen years old.  And of course, during the Christmas holidays.  Three relatives had passed away between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day.  That was the first year that I was not able to enjoy everything that I had received.

And then in 1988, just prior to Thanksgiving, I was diagnosed with cancer, Hodgkin’s Disease.  Admittedly, I was a “seasonal” Christian meaning that I went to church at least on Easter and Christmas Eve.  I still approached my minister as I chose that particular moment to recognize God.  And just as Job did, I questioned why, when for the first time I appeared to have turned my life around, everything going right for me, I would have it all brought crashing down.  Even two years later, as I was finally able to breath as I had been pronounced in remission, the scars had developed.  Over the next decade, things would get much worse as it seemed every crisis, whether it resulted in someone passing away or not, occurred around one of the big two holidays.

*  my stepmother, crossing the street, hit by a car, two days before Christmas

*  my former father-in-law being misdiagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease being kept in a nursing home drugged up on psychotropic drugs instead of realizing it was his regular meds that were causing the mental issues as his vitals were not being followed properly

*  my ex-wife (then still married to her) was hit head on in a car accident just after a New Year’s Day

*  Wendy was experiencing a severe bleeding issue that brought on other concerns right before an Easter holiday

*  my heart surgery was done just after an Easter Holiday

*  I was diagnosed Septic just before this past Easter

This list is more than three times longer.  But you get the general idea.  An approaching holiday to me, means most likely another crisis/tragedy for me to deal with.

This thought process, though in full swing though, has been shaken at least a little bit beginning in 2004 with the adoption of our oldest daugther.  The issues and events still occur, as I have come to expect, but I do my best now to not let these things interfere with my daughters’ enthusiasm.  Tonight, as we are walking through the Christmas Tree Shoppe, Madison came right out and asked me, “Daddy, why don’t you like Christmas?”  I love my daughters more than anything on this Earth and the last thing I would ever want to do is take their innocence away, especially when it comes to Christmas and Easter.

And even though every holiday comes and goes, and their smiles are endless as they spot their gifts under the tree, or see that the Easter bunny had delivered them baskets, at least my oldest has noticed that there is a grown up aspect to the holidays.  I have so much work to do to make sure that they do not grow up to believe about the holidays as I have grown accustomed to.

The Lesser Of The Two Evils


You can tell a decision that one does not want to make, when it is looked at as a decision between “the less of the two evils”.  This kinf of outlook is often given to political races as it is nearly impossible to find a candidate for a postition that meets 100% of your values.

Today is not a very good day for me health wise.  My back is acting up, and fatigue is kicking the crap out of me.  I knew this day would come.  I had a bone density scan last week and got the call Friday with the results.  As expected, my back has gotten worse, with my 9th vertebrae now suffering with osteopenia.  This is a change from the scan done four years ago, where osteopenia was diagnosed in L1-L4.  Last year my back also showed facet joint arthritis, perhaps the reason for the pain and shape.

Osteopenia is like the little sister to osteoperosis, bad enough to be called something, not bad enough to be called osteoperosis.  Osteopenia is still loss of bone density.  Translation, it is an increased chance of breaking a bone, especially in my hip, back, or legs.  From what I understand, the pain in my back does not come from the osteopenia, but rather facet joint arthritis which I am now just starting to read up on.

So, when you hear the word osteo, just like mentioning breast cancer, our assumptions go straight to a concern for women.  The truth is, men can develop both of these diseases.  In my case, there is a good likelihood that I could develop both due to cancer treatments.  The radiation therapy has increased my chances with breast cancer, and hi dose, extended use of prednisone is most likely the factor to the already diagnosed osteopenia.  So while treatments have their positive intended effects, there are side effects both short term and long term.  Now that I have a new diagnosis, that must be treated.

But the medication that I need to take, at the beginning level will only be equivalent to vitamin supplements.  Of course, that is possibly going to have side effects as I continue to alter the physiology of my body.  In this case, the two supplements, Vitamin D and OSCAL were to help boost calcium needed for bone support which I was now needing.  There is one major drawback with taking on all this calcium, kidney stones.  I’ve already told that story (see “Congratulations It’s A…” under the links at the top of the page), so this is going to be about the aftermath.

The hospital that helped me get rid of that pesky stone, screwed up, and did not test the remnants leaving it up to me to figure out what could have caused the stone.  All things considered, I blamed the supplements.  My dilemma?  I need to take those supplements to keep from being crippled by an increased chance of broken bones, but if I do, I can look forward to many more kidney stones.  To avoid the kidney stones,  I could end up incredibly hurt.

So following the release of my urologist, so too I made the decision.  There would be no more kidney stones.  I had to hope that my decision would be correct and there would be no further issue with my bones.  But a bone density scan to be compared with a scan done four years ago illustrate that I was wrong.  The osteopenia has continue to spread and worsen over recent years with the cessation of those supplements.  While I have not had any more kidney stones, it is clear what my doctor forewarned me, “it can be five years or twenty years.  It is a matter of your choices and how fast it progresses.”

This is not the first medical dilemma I have been caught in the middle of:

1)  treat and survive my cancer vs. potentially severe late effects even worse

2)  removal of spleen which was fully involved with my cancer vs. immune system permanently compromised with little certainty of protection

3)  carotid bypass due to conditions of carotids, risk of causing a stroke same as just allowing it to happen

4)  take calcium supplements to slow process of crippling or prevent the crippling pain of kidney stones

5)  to have a colonoscopy because it is my time vs. exposing an area of my body that has yet to be invaded and in 46 years, have not had an issue with.

The choice between the lesser of the two evils.  I have many more to make, some just as serious, and some a little on the lighter side.  But when it is looked at a between two choices we do not want to have, clearly it is something I would rather avoid all together.

Side effects of medications are perhaps the most confusing things we have to decide to follow through with.  Just watch a television commercial for a new drug and to cover the company’s ass you hear the following disclaimer, “may cause suicidal tendancies, high blood pressure, kidney failure, depression, stomach ulcers, and memory issues.”  But other than that, it is great.  You will not see me rush to the pharmacy counter I can tell you that.

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