Same Time, The Next Year, Same Reason, Different Meaning
When I travelled back to China to adopt my second daughter (my older daughter also from China), there was a different feeling, an increased confidence, in knowing what was expected to happen, because I had already done it once before. Many of the days throughout their lives, often played out this way, my older daughter, setting the bar, “teaching” the experience, as if to make it easier for her younger sibling.
And for the most part, that is the way that it has always played out, until now. My older daughter graduating last year was rough on me emotionally, but I am finding out, all the experiences that led to this day, my younger daughter graduating, have not made this time any easier.
As my older daughter graduated last year, for me personally, it was a major milestone for me on two counts. I had navigated custody and divorce successfully, and retained my relationships with my daughters, in spite of efforts of many to see otherwise. But the other issue that made this date so special, I really did not know if I would ever see either of my daughters graduate because of my health issues, related to late developing side effects from my treatments for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma thirty-five years ago. On at least three occasions, my health reached critical levels, nearly dying, and four others severe conditions requiring extended hospital stays. To say me getting to see my older daughters graduate is a milestone, is an extreme understatement.
To be clear, my milestones included seeing both of my daughters graduating. And that time is upon me now again, this week. But it feels differently this time with my younger daughter. My health has been stable for two years now, and I see something different approaching me now with her graduation. Both of my daughters, of adult age, are out of high school, and on to the next chapter of their lives. And no matter how many times I go through childhood photos, I cannot stop this next step.
Nor do I want to stop this next step. As they begin their adult lives, they have chosen their paths, and it is up to them to walk those paths. I recognize this part of their lives. I have seen this play out once before, in my life.
As I have mentioned, I am an “ACOD”, adult child of divorce. I spent a majority of my childhood estranged from my father. It was in my adulthood however, that my Father and I turned a major corner in our relationship, reconciling the time of my childhood, lost by decisions he had made. Instead, we would build what I call our first stage with each other, just learning how to relate to each other as adults, trying to learn things from him, that I might just need to know as a grown up myself.
My Dad ended up not in the greatest of health also, and I would often end up coming to his assistance for tasks around his house, and of course through his battle with lung cancer toward the end of his life. But I needed to learn as much as I could about my role as a father to two grown children while at the same time, witnessing the joy he experienced as a grandfather. Together, he and I learned so much from each other.
As my younger daughter processes down the aisle to receive her diploma, along with over a thousand other students, this time, instead of reaching a milestone, I will also be turning a page, looking forward to the next milestone, quite some time away, but it will be as adults, all of us.
I have done my best during their childhoods to be the best role model I could be for my daughters. Not having a normal relationship with my Father growing up, I winged the relationships with my daughters, going on instinct, as well as recognizing what I felt that I missed in a broken relationship with my Father, to make sure that the same would never happen to my daughters. I have taught them values, morals, what to expect and demand in relationships, and to respect themselves as well. I am hoping that I have been able to teach them, by example, not to make the mistakes that they may have witnessed by me and their mother, by showing the correct way to value materials, live within means, and to experience life. I have made sure they understand, while life is something that just happens, and while some things may come with ease for them, much if not most, will only come with hard work, intelligence, and some luck, not to rely on things just to fall into their laps.
So yes, I do not look at this graduation as just having reached another milestone, though clearly I have, I am turning the page to a new chapter, officially with both daughters now heading into their own adult lives. And just as I was with their childhood, I will be there every step of the way, supporting their decisions, answering questions they may have, and hopefully be relied upon for advice in the many grown up decisions they will be making as adults themselves, such as serious relationships, buying a house or any other large purchase, and God forbid, and support with their health.
I could not be any more proud of both my daughters and what they have achieved. And as my younger daughter walks into that stadium, my camera will be focused on her, for her final moments of her childhood.
Paul's Heart 