Paul's Heart

Life As A Dad, And A Survivor

Custody Rules Of Conduct Or Common Sense


common sense

I need to stress for the “trolls” of my blog, that I am not making any reference to the details of my divorce or custody in this post.

Pennsylvania includes in its custody paperwork, something called “General Rules Of Conduct”.  Now while an actual custody agreement is put into order, this list of rules, actually is not written into the order, but rather it is “assumed” that the rules will be followed.  But when you think about it, should the rules even be necessary?  In the relationships between the mother and the child, the father and the child, and the mother and the father, exactly what part of the divorce is the child’s fault, that rules like the following actually need to be stated:

  • neither party shall disparage, deride, ridicule, or condemn the other party in front of the child, nor allow third parties to do such
  • shall not conduct arguments in front of the child or over the phone within hearing distance of the child
  • not to use the children as spies for the other party
  • not to make extravagant promises to gain an edge over the other parent
  • putting the best interest of the child first

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  • cannot expect proper moral conduct from the child if not exhibited by the parent
  • do not make arrangements through the child
  • consistency of rules and support by both parents regardless if rules are different between the households
  • phone conversations between the child and the parent should be unmonitored (not eavesdropped)
  • and of course, proper communication between the parents

Sure, the rules are a little more detailed than that.  But what it comes down to, the child plays no role in the process of the divorce, and the parents are not divorcing the child, therefore common sense would tell you that you do not need rules of conduct.  The status of “parent” and “child” never changes in a divorce.

Recovering From Hair Loss After Treatments


“Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair.  Flow it, show it.  Long as God can grow it, my hair”

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I ran into a friend the other night, and though it had been a while since I had seen him, his greeting caught me off guard.

“OY!” (he’s Brittish), “I got a pair of blunt scissors in me truck!” he said with his big friendly grin.

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It had been a while since I had seen him, and for those who have not seen me in a while, I have continued to let my hair grow.  And for a very good reason.

I lost the majority of my hair back when I was treated for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma back in 1988 from chemotherapy.  Radiation therapy to the back of my skull left an odd pattern down the middle permanently.

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I have always been sensitive to this.  And one of the things that I swore I would never do, is ever take my hair from granted again.  It was bad enough that baldness ran in my family.  But it is odd, hair loss, is one of the major concerns that a cancer patient has.  We cannot wait for the hair to grow back.

I will admit, that I get a little confused and concerned when I see hair colored lime green, or shaved into some bizarre tribal symbol.  I am not so sure that those people would do that if they had the chance that “cut” or “style” was permanent, or if some other change against their hair style desire was done.

And so, throughout the 1990’s, I made a promise, not to cut my hair (except for styling it).  Unfortunately I did a very bad thing, and it pretty much ended up being “mulleted.”  Sorry, plenty of clip art for that, but it actually turned my stomach trying to select a picture.  But you all know what a mullet is.

At any rate, I ended up cutting my hair after all just into the new millennium, and up until last year, I kept it a fairly short length again.  It was not what I wanted, but for the most part, what everyone else wanted.

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Well, it has been a year now, and only “trims” being done, and I am almost back to the length that I was comfortable covering up my “skunk stripe” on the back of my skull.  It may seem silly to some people why this would be so important to someone, but unless you have been in this situation, you really cannot understand it.

Sorry, no selfie of the length just yet, but to give you an idea…

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Being Balanced


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So my last post, was about mothers who choose to keep their children away from their fathers, either physically, or emotionally.  It was a powerful post, and as it was pointed out to me by a reader, and although unintentional, it was quite one-sided.  The accuracy of the post was not questioned, because these were nationally documented news stories, but rather it was felt that I could have posted an example or two of a mother who was being kept from her children by the father, or perhaps even grandparents being kept from seeing their grandchildren.

And I am trying to currently write a post exactly about those two sides.  However it does not appear as easy for the level of examples that I used in my last post.  I have spent several days researching news articles about mothers who had reached an end to their suffering, being kept from their children by the father due to bitter divorce or separation.  I am hardly able to find anything but some old blogs (which means that I cannot confirm events or claims).  But that does not mean at all, that these situations do not exist.  I have two friends personally who deal with this issue, but out of respect for them, I will not discuss their case.  And since their story is not newsworthy, it will not reach Google or Wikipedia.

There are several stereotypes that present themselves in a divorce and custody battle.  These stereotypes are grown courtesy of the media.  You very rarely hear of a divorce going smoothly, because it does not sell news.  Therefore you will not find many stories about successful divorces.  And when it comes to custody issues, you will very rarely hear the term “deadbeat” referring to the female gender because calling a mother a “deadbeat parent” does not create the emotional upheaval that we all feel when the “deadbeat” term is used against the male parent.  It is very easy to find stories against men, not so much against women.  That is not to say the situations do not exist, they do.  It just is not publicized.

So I would like to request this of my readers, I am looking for a couple news examples of mothers who have been alienated from their children by the fathers of the children.  I will keep your name anonymous, but in keeping my last post about parental alienation balanced, I want to try and present the side of the mother who is alienated by the custodial father.  You can reply to this post with the news link, as I have to approve all comments before they are published, and I will simply remove your name from the reply before it is printed to protect your identity.

Parental alienation is child abuse.  And it makes no difference if it is done by the mother or the father, and yes, even other family members.  Anyone who partakes in trying to persuade a child to hate one of their parents is committing child abuse.

 

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